IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN

It has now been over 7 years since we laid our son to rest.  My heart at times aches that I did not reach out more.  That I did not sit in his room as home day after day letting him lay in bed me feets away not knowing this Macho Man who di ot want to show he needed someone close with him, he had changed, the cancer had changed him.  He needed me in his room...not knowing I would sit only feets away wondering should I go in there and sit with him...finally asking if he wanted me to sit with him...finally sitting by his bed. with the only hand he could use reaching out to me holding hands as we sit and watched his favorite shows, now knowing I could have been in the room everyday...the cancer had changed my strong Macho Son, he needed his mom's touch, how I wish I had know then what I learned, forget the Macho man he was as the cancer was comsumming his body.  Forget, that he hid his emotions and now yet his emotions were flowing with tears as he sit on the edge of the couch tears running down his face trying to let me know he needed to go to the bathroom....still a part of him that wanted to be the man he was....watching him as he struggeled half useless body now as the cancer now had full control trying to pull up his jogging pants crying yet trying to still hide the tears that he was not capable of pulling them up....finally helping him as if he was my new born baby that could not put on his own clothes.  How I wish I had known what he needed, not thinking he was still the same person as he wanted to still be, a little part of the cancer had not taken all him away.  Watching one day as he walked from the conference room to our Motor Home to assure me the cancer was not in his heart...going to meet him as I watched him strugge to get to me...he had something important he needed to shard, finally rushing out the door to him as he tried to tell me the cancer was not in the heart as the cancer had invaded his brain and he had lost his ability to say what he tried so hard to say,,,,,beating his fest on his heart somehow trying to get me to understand the cancer was not in his heart, finally he was able to convey and I said I know and the look of relief as he knew I finally understood.  Understood he still needed to live, yet still needed his mom to understand what he wanted to tell her watching the frustration as the cancer had taken away his ability to speak or form words to know how important it was that he still wanted to tell me somehow convey his message...we called them the 20 thousand question trying to figure out what he was trying to tell us, as he beats his head trying to get the words out...why why did my strong Macho Man Son get reduced to what know was the inablity to say words...How I wish I knew them what I finally learned...seeing his beautiful blue eyes with the dark circles from the chemo and illness that he needed me closer to him...not knowing that a Pepsi would cause such a look of excitement in his eyes as I gave him one....from Sept 09 staying with him for hours until he had no more ability to do anything and entered the hospital the week before Thanksgiving...wishing I had known as that night seeing the scared look in his eyes as he laid helpless until the ambulance arrive...How much more if I had over known.

NOW I know and now it is too late, but the good memories are there even when the cancer continued to spread, and he was able to say lov u mom, not fully but enough to understand the words as I would leave after taking care of him daily.  Yet with the good memories still come the hauting memories that if I had only known....I could have had more good memories by sitting by his side, holding hands....My Macho Man Son had become my little boy again, as I recealled one day when he was six years old, I was late comeing home seeing him walking up and down the road as I drove to the house, finding him with tears streaming down him face now covered in dirt and tears as our little ones do, crying cause mommy wasn't home and he feared she had had a wreck and died. This was now the son he had gone back to as the cancer racked his brain.  Not knowing the cancer was there..in the brain...trying to still let him be the Man he had been...If I had only known, more memories would have been held on too as we could have sit and held hands just sitting ....him trying to figure out in his mind what was going on...why where was his ability to form words, to get them to come out...banging his hand against his head tyring to know what was happening...wanting desperatly to be able to say a word a sentence, but the cancer had taken that part of the brain, yet as the cancer took the part of the brain, he now was back to my little boy, trying so hard to say words that I could understand, the cancer had taken away that Macho Son...IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN...I LOVE YOU KEN, I WOULD HAVE HELD YOUR HAND FOREVER IF I HAD ONLY KNOW.  ONE DAY WE WILL WALK IN HEAVEN AND I WILL KNOW, I WILL KNOW TO REACH OUT WALK HAND AND HAND IN HEAVENS STREETS AND KNOW THAT YOU JUST NEEDED THE MOMMY, NO LONGER DID YOU NEED THE MACHO MAN, THAT WAS TAKEN AWAY.  IF ANY GOOD CAME FROM THE CANCER WAS THAT AGAIN YOU WERE ABLE TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE, YOUR TRUE FEELING..NO LONGER TRYING TO BE STRONG....JUST IF I HAD ON KNOWN...LOVE YOU MISS YOU AND ONE DAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN AND WE WILL WALK  HAND AND HAND AND FEEL THE JOY AND LOVE...ALL THE PAIN GONE...THE LEG NO LONGER LIMPING...THE EXTREME PAIN AS THE TUMOR WAS GROWING ON THE SPINE....ONE DAY AND NOW I KNOW....YOU WILL WANT YOUR MOMMY TOUCH AS YOU DID THAT DAY AT SIX YEARS OLD....BUT STILL IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN.......