Idle time is my enemy.
You know as sketchy and as harsh as the process was for me of using my voice and truth with a family member. I have to admit it was a building block of feeling like myself again and capturing my self worth.
After being in a roommate situation for the last year and half with a person who made the situation very un-reliable. I am finding that being back on my own has been very good. I know what to expect with myself (Not necessarily my feelings day to day) but I can expect myself to get through it and be nice to myself.
So it feels good to be out of the living situation where my home WAS NOT my sanctuary. I encourage anyone who is in a living situation where the toxicity levels have reached a point where you can't even make a decision for yourself and you don't feel like a human being any longer-more along the lines of a caterer or nurse or mommie, to GET OUT!!
I swear it was like a 6 month grieving process after moving out, think I am now in the withdrawl of not having to be emotionally invested in "fixing" anybody so I am sort of lost with myself on what to do with feelings that come up, and now am trying to look at my co-dependency for real. I had heard the term for many years from my mom but would dispute her and say " No I am just a loyal friend". People have told me all my life that I am too patient and too nice......I get it now. But I certainly didn't get it before at all......my tune is changing.
However one thing I have been struggling with is "free time". I work in an industry which allows me to work from home at times. Granted I am busy right now, but I am worried about when I am not. There is some weird thing in this process that is coming up for me. In my process, I don't really wanna be out and about and "run into" people I know. There is a desire to be a stranger, in a strange town (The Doors anyone??). I don't want to be social with my circle, I am not really wanting to step out of the frying pan and into the fire...I feel I am hyper sensitive and can only be around 'safe' people right now. As a result, I have found myself with a lot of time on my hands. This has created me 'going down the rabbit hole of my mind" and finding a lot of sorrow and sad feelings coming up and tons of self loathing thoughts. It was especially rough last week when I was beating myself up a lot for being "curt" with the source of my issue.....I have a mile long list of hobbies, TO DO's, etc. but I find myself laying in bed watching movies instead.....oi vay....terrible.
I have been on work travel the last week and have been feeling so good, it is as if I don't want to let this feeling go and now am semi-dreading the idea of going back home.......scaredy cat going on......Ugghhh.. I will have to walk thru it...but I am sketched out a bit in my head. *Sigh*
After being in a roommate situation for the last year and half with a person who made the situation very un-reliable. I am finding that being back on my own has been very good. I know what to expect with myself (Not necessarily my feelings day to day) but I can expect myself to get through it and be nice to myself.
So it feels good to be out of the living situation where my home WAS NOT my sanctuary. I encourage anyone who is in a living situation where the toxicity levels have reached a point where you can't even make a decision for yourself and you don't feel like a human being any longer-more along the lines of a caterer or nurse or mommie, to GET OUT!!
I swear it was like a 6 month grieving process after moving out, think I am now in the withdrawl of not having to be emotionally invested in "fixing" anybody so I am sort of lost with myself on what to do with feelings that come up, and now am trying to look at my co-dependency for real. I had heard the term for many years from my mom but would dispute her and say " No I am just a loyal friend". People have told me all my life that I am too patient and too nice......I get it now. But I certainly didn't get it before at all......my tune is changing.
However one thing I have been struggling with is "free time". I work in an industry which allows me to work from home at times. Granted I am busy right now, but I am worried about when I am not. There is some weird thing in this process that is coming up for me. In my process, I don't really wanna be out and about and "run into" people I know. There is a desire to be a stranger, in a strange town (The Doors anyone??). I don't want to be social with my circle, I am not really wanting to step out of the frying pan and into the fire...I feel I am hyper sensitive and can only be around 'safe' people right now. As a result, I have found myself with a lot of time on my hands. This has created me 'going down the rabbit hole of my mind" and finding a lot of sorrow and sad feelings coming up and tons of self loathing thoughts. It was especially rough last week when I was beating myself up a lot for being "curt" with the source of my issue.....I have a mile long list of hobbies, TO DO's, etc. but I find myself laying in bed watching movies instead.....oi vay....terrible.
I have been on work travel the last week and have been feeling so good, it is as if I don't want to let this feeling go and now am semi-dreading the idea of going back home.......scaredy cat going on......Ugghhh.. I will have to walk thru it...but I am sketched out a bit in my head. *Sigh*
Replies
I can relate to a lot here - I am on my own for 3 months now and it feels great! Good for you! I can also relate with not wanting to run into people. And, it\'s OK to keep to yourself and not be social for a while. I hope you are not pressuring yourself to hurry up and get back out there with your mutual friends like nothing has happened. I hope some of your \"safe\" people are also friends that you like to spend time with. Maybe it won\'t be the same with your old friends for a while. I think the more you keep to yourself, the more respect you will get. That is what seems to be happening with me, anyway.
Too patient and too nice...I can relate too. My whole childhood, I was taught that you must forgive over and over, and you can never be too nice...only to grow up and find that there is a lot to learn that I\'ll have to figure out myself.
Do you have pets? If not, have you thought of getting a pet for company? I have not had a pet in a while but I am thinking of getting a cat to help out with \"critter\" problems...since it\'s on my mind I thought it might apply to your situation too.
I have a dog, he is the absolute light of my life. The safest place to put all my codependency hahahahaha! Also a safe place to love 100% unabashedly and without fear. He has opened my heart like nothing else. But frankly he and I will lay in bed all day together (like today)....he is so loyal he will do whatever I want to.....poor little bugger. But yes. Pets are definitely a win win situation for us who have a lot to give, but find we are giving it to people who are triggers for sickness/toxicity. But now to start working on getting active in my life..........I am back from my week of travel and the cycle has begun of laying in bed again watching TV........