Icky Blue Grumpies
Ugh. Angry. Bitter. Resentful. I don't know if this is lash back from the depression funk I've been in, A related, PMS, or if the whole world really is out to piss me off.
H is home for most of this month. He signed up for it as vacation time ages ago to compensate for last year's totally jacked up December. I don't know what he was hoping to gain. He has farted around a lot and we've watched a lot of TV shows and we have had a little (very little) quality time but mostly we've been in each other's way. In an effort to placate his attempts to spend "down" time together, I tried to find a movie on Netflix to watch together. By the time I was done sifting through the new releases, I was a wreck. WTF. Has every new movie released to video in the last year been required to make fun of marriage and/or glamourize infidelity???
Then today on FB a friend posted some well meant advice for those who must spend holidays alone. In essence: be good to yourself and do the things you enjoy to pamper yourself and meet your own emotional needs. Well, it may not apply this year, but I will say I have spent more holidays alone (or with just the kids) in the last 17 years than with friends or extended family. At any rate, one of my friend's friends commented something to the effect of: it's one's own fault for alienating friends and not reaching out - there is no excuse for ever being alone on the holidays. Is this lady cracked??
Im so angry and it's so stupid. After all, this woman can't possibly know every single peron in the world nor the circumstances in which they must function. She is not my friend. She doesn't know me. Why should I give a fig what she is saying? I guess it's like the sweeping generalization that if your spouse cheats then there must be something you aren't doing right. (This just simply is NOT always true!!)
On top of everything else, my daughter has (yet again!!) neglected to do her book report. She pulled this crap last time (before Thanksgiving break) and I'm ready to sell her to the gypsies. H is working with her on it. I offered but frankly my patience is thin and the last thing I need now is a tween in tears. I think it won't matter much if she turns in the written part tomorrow and then does the oral part after winter break, but it still bothers me. I think I'm mostly mad at myself for not riding her harder to get it done.
But then. I haven't done much of anything. I stay in PJ's all day or even stay in bed. I hurt inside and outside - and yes - some is legitimately FMS, but mostly I've just been drowning in depression. I know I should get back incounciling or else break down and start taking meds, but the last time I was put on meds I had a horrific experience and nearly killed myself. It was so bad. I have never flipped out so badly - gone so "crazy" - and the follow up care I received was dismal. I have a new doc now, but I just don't have it in me to bother.
Because.
Yep. I'm depressed.
Maybe anger will pull me into some sort of action. *shrug*
H is home for most of this month. He signed up for it as vacation time ages ago to compensate for last year's totally jacked up December. I don't know what he was hoping to gain. He has farted around a lot and we've watched a lot of TV shows and we have had a little (very little) quality time but mostly we've been in each other's way. In an effort to placate his attempts to spend "down" time together, I tried to find a movie on Netflix to watch together. By the time I was done sifting through the new releases, I was a wreck. WTF. Has every new movie released to video in the last year been required to make fun of marriage and/or glamourize infidelity???
Then today on FB a friend posted some well meant advice for those who must spend holidays alone. In essence: be good to yourself and do the things you enjoy to pamper yourself and meet your own emotional needs. Well, it may not apply this year, but I will say I have spent more holidays alone (or with just the kids) in the last 17 years than with friends or extended family. At any rate, one of my friend's friends commented something to the effect of: it's one's own fault for alienating friends and not reaching out - there is no excuse for ever being alone on the holidays. Is this lady cracked??
Im so angry and it's so stupid. After all, this woman can't possibly know every single peron in the world nor the circumstances in which they must function. She is not my friend. She doesn't know me. Why should I give a fig what she is saying? I guess it's like the sweeping generalization that if your spouse cheats then there must be something you aren't doing right. (This just simply is NOT always true!!)
On top of everything else, my daughter has (yet again!!) neglected to do her book report. She pulled this crap last time (before Thanksgiving break) and I'm ready to sell her to the gypsies. H is working with her on it. I offered but frankly my patience is thin and the last thing I need now is a tween in tears. I think it won't matter much if she turns in the written part tomorrow and then does the oral part after winter break, but it still bothers me. I think I'm mostly mad at myself for not riding her harder to get it done.
But then. I haven't done much of anything. I stay in PJ's all day or even stay in bed. I hurt inside and outside - and yes - some is legitimately FMS, but mostly I've just been drowning in depression. I know I should get back incounciling or else break down and start taking meds, but the last time I was put on meds I had a horrific experience and nearly killed myself. It was so bad. I have never flipped out so badly - gone so "crazy" - and the follow up care I received was dismal. I have a new doc now, but I just don't have it in me to bother.
Because.
Yep. I'm depressed.
Maybe anger will pull me into some sort of action. *shrug*
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