I write this in tears

I wish I could be writing a happy journal entry right now, but I can't. I go back and read the past entries and I see a girl who is going through a lot but still has hope. Right now I feel as though I have no hope. The past year has been the most difficult, and I know it has been for all of us. Emotionally I am wrecked. I started out 2020 lonely. Spending New Year's by myself in another country trying to finish a master's degree that I had to drop out of in October because I just had a mental breakdown and couldn't do it anymore. Consistent failure and not being good enough to stay in the program that was so far away from family and with no friends was doing more harm to be than it was good. I wish I had dropped out a year earlier. Now,  here I am with a minimum wage job living with my parents and having no clue what to do next. Should I try school again in the US or should I chose a new path. I am lost. All I know is I am grateful to have a job and to have a family that was willing to take me back, but I urn to be independent and on my own striving towards a goal again.  

Last year I found a man that I thought I could love and would love me back. it started as a friendship that became a best friendship, but I wanted more and he was hesitant but we made baby steps until one night he told me that he would never love another person that way again and he just wanted to spend the rest of his life alone, but that I was his best friend and he really enjoyed our friendship. I was devastated and to make things harder it was two weeks before Thanksgiving and our families are so close that we were spending the holidays together. It was tough. We didn't talk the whole time leading up to Thanksgiving until he sent me a message saying that we just wanted us to be okay. To which I replied so did I knowing that I was lying because I just wanted the next day to go okay and it did but it was painful. A part of me thinks he only said that because he hates talking about things that make him uncomfortable. I don't think he wanted to talk about it in person that day. a couple of days after I asked him to go hiking. I wanted to see if we would talk and if our friendship would be okay going and doing the activities we enjoyed the most together. I ended up breaking an ankle to which I take as a clear sign that maybe it wasn't the best idea. Our families spent Christmas together, too. It was fun while we were together, but after each time I see him there is a bitter after-taste and the tears just flow. Now, I am conflicted. Do I distance myself from him to protect my feelings because I am having a hard time or do I suck it up because I genuinely enjoy spending time with him and hope these feeling, this love I have for him turns platonic. Part of me often wonders maybe he just doesn't want to be with me. Maybe he does want a relationship but with someone else. I await the day when maybe he gets a girlfriend and our friendship is forced to end because I can't handle it and he lied to me to protect my feelings. I want just him to be happy, and I know this is my anxiety talking. Here I am in my 27th year of life alone. Never having known love or what it feels like. Never having a relationship or having been on so much as a date. When is it my turn to find love? To be Love? I just want to be given a chance. 

In March of last year, I was at my lowest weight, but with the closure of gyms, a broken ankle, and the emotional fallout of my life I've gained a significant amount of weight. My goal for this year is to lose the weight I gained and the weight I hope to lose in order to meet my goal weight and learn proper maintenance and coping mechanisms for when things get tough so I don't gain it back.

I want to believe 2021 is a year of healing and not the year that will take the shattered pieces and break them to where I can't put them back together again.