I wonder if today will be any different
Getting my hair done in a lil while - fun! Still hanging a bit from last nite. Hard to believe Joe doesnt pick up on the fact that Im drinking more than he sees. He only saw me have one 10 oz glass at dinner, the other 4 mini bottles were my secret. I want sobriety. I want to want sobriety come evening, but usually come evening, I just want a drink. Lately I havent particularly wanted it, but I just feel like I need it to cope, or to clean, or to go out, to stay in, to anything- ugh ridiculous. I do not need it- I want to want sobriety, it's the thought of how it feels on drink 2 -3 that gets me to the store and buying it. That thought of that feeling is just SO hard to deny! WHY?! It only feels great for like 20 minutes! And that's it -you idiot- then you feel worse for WAAAYYY longer! SO STUPID!!!! If I could just not leave the apartment Id be ok, but anytime I have to leave its like a given- I'm gonna go buy some wine. This SUCKS sucks suck sucks sucks. I'd rather not lose my freakin' mind, thank you, but Jeeeesus! how can I keep wanting/needing something so bad everyday and simultaneously despising and fearing and hating that very same thing. I have to just laugh at my stupid self or Ill lose it entirely & just go asylum ready ape-shit gloriola crazy. Ok, it's time- gotta go - off to get ma hair did!
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I can relate. I use to self medicate with alcohol, and before alcohol, is was narcotic pain killers. I thought I needed that stuff to get me through the day. After a few years of going to AA meetings, I figured I didn't need them anymore so I stopped going and stopped doing the kinds of things that kept me sober to begin with. Then my life began to get worse but it took me awhile before I put two and two together. My wife divorced me, I lost my job, and I had a bad accident at home which required major surgery which I couldn't pay for having lost my job and insurance. That was my lowest of lows so I called my AA sponsor and he shared his wisdom with me after picking me up to take me to a meeting. I was thankful for the long ride because he told me all the right things.. I am pretty sure, my own Higher Power was working through him that day...had to be and that was just one of a series of things that started the ball rolling on my life coming back together..
Now, I have a great life and I have never been happier. I am thankful for the bad things that happened to me because I learned alot from it.
There is no better teacher then life itself and it drove me to do what I had to do to reconnect with that spiritual part of me which I had neglected for so long.
God Bless