I Wonder
I really wonder how I am doing about my son Ken's death...I read journal's and I read that some think the second year is harder. I have not even reached the 6 months yet.
I wonder what to expect. I wonder if I will feel like a breakdown as some time passes. I wonder if I just hold a lot in cause of my surgery and knowing I can not let myself get upset as my body is still too weak...I just really wonder.
Some say it just changes, which I know is true...But have I really felt the loss of Ken. Of course I have felt the loss, and pain, but I wonder if that is just the early beginnings of grief. I wonder if I have experienced the real grief yet. Father's Day is Sunday, I know his kids will be sad, yet we are rejoicing the birth of his grand daughter. I just wonder how will I feel when I know that I can not visit him this summer, that we can not go out to dinner and have fun as before, as he always looked and found new special places to take us to eat...The last place was a Pizza place. A mom and pop Pizza place and they can't be beat, but can I go there again knowing Ken can't. Remebering the day he took me there and was explaining directions. Remebering the last time we broght it to his house and he could not eat a bite....I don't think I can enjoy that Pizza anymore..but to the owners it is the best Pizza ever and so happy Ken got to enjoy it if only for a couple of months.
So much has happened since that horrible day in Dec. So many things I have gone through myself, my surgery, mom in a nursing home, changes ....so I wonder today
Have I just had to put my grief on the back burner and when it comes out of hiding, after I recover and my strenght has returned, I wonder what to expect.
Just my thoughts, no one else's thoughts, just know that I sure miss that son of my, that voice on the phone when he was so happy and would answer with "This is Pastor Ken"...How I miss that smile....the talks, the fun times, the workiing time and yea even the times we did not agree...But that's okay we are human....How I wish he had not had to get the horrible word "Cancer"...How I wish he had not had to live in pain for 2 years 20 days....How I wish I could have fixed him,,,that's what mom's do...But it did happen and someday if I have to go through the pain of total grief (which I don't think I have yet) some how someway I will get through it and I will always remember I sure have a wonderful son. He is in Heaven now, but his brother's so much remind me of him....His family continues to grow...Ken's life continues to live in this life and in Heaven.
Sure do miss you my son, sure do love you with all my heart...Sure wish I could see you, hold you and tell you what you mean to me....All I can do is say it from my heart and I know you know I SURE LOVE YOU SON...MOM
I wonder what to expect. I wonder if I will feel like a breakdown as some time passes. I wonder if I just hold a lot in cause of my surgery and knowing I can not let myself get upset as my body is still too weak...I just really wonder.
Some say it just changes, which I know is true...But have I really felt the loss of Ken. Of course I have felt the loss, and pain, but I wonder if that is just the early beginnings of grief. I wonder if I have experienced the real grief yet. Father's Day is Sunday, I know his kids will be sad, yet we are rejoicing the birth of his grand daughter. I just wonder how will I feel when I know that I can not visit him this summer, that we can not go out to dinner and have fun as before, as he always looked and found new special places to take us to eat...The last place was a Pizza place. A mom and pop Pizza place and they can't be beat, but can I go there again knowing Ken can't. Remebering the day he took me there and was explaining directions. Remebering the last time we broght it to his house and he could not eat a bite....I don't think I can enjoy that Pizza anymore..but to the owners it is the best Pizza ever and so happy Ken got to enjoy it if only for a couple of months.
So much has happened since that horrible day in Dec. So many things I have gone through myself, my surgery, mom in a nursing home, changes ....so I wonder today
Have I just had to put my grief on the back burner and when it comes out of hiding, after I recover and my strenght has returned, I wonder what to expect.
Just my thoughts, no one else's thoughts, just know that I sure miss that son of my, that voice on the phone when he was so happy and would answer with "This is Pastor Ken"...How I miss that smile....the talks, the fun times, the workiing time and yea even the times we did not agree...But that's okay we are human....How I wish he had not had to get the horrible word "Cancer"...How I wish he had not had to live in pain for 2 years 20 days....How I wish I could have fixed him,,,that's what mom's do...But it did happen and someday if I have to go through the pain of total grief (which I don't think I have yet) some how someway I will get through it and I will always remember I sure have a wonderful son. He is in Heaven now, but his brother's so much remind me of him....His family continues to grow...Ken's life continues to live in this life and in Heaven.
Sure do miss you my son, sure do love you with all my heart...Sure wish I could see you, hold you and tell you what you mean to me....All I can do is say it from my heart and I know you know I SURE LOVE YOU SON...MOM
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