I woke up
I often wonder where do I start to explain why I feel the way I do. My bipolar has damn near ruined my relationship with my wife. I am shocked we are still together. Through the last 9 years along with my drug and alcohol abuse I have destroyed our intimacy. It was for sure broken during a huge manic phase that lasted 3 months that turned psychotic and I ended up cheated on her with a man, that I didn't remember doing until I had to clarify with the man in question. Also during this last 9 years I have put her trust to the test, I was also raped, which I believe she thinks was partly my fault for putting myself into that position. My depressive phases are very difficult to handle, I usually end up getting inpatient. I relate emotionally, you know, love, through intimacy like love making, necking, kisses, fondling, that sort of things, but she has completely shut down. Says she doesn't have a libido anymore, shes' 43, im 33...the next paragraph is what I wrote her in an email after last night when she rejected me again.
We've known each other and been together for almost nine years and in those years I have done some damage that to our relationship that would have lasting impressions and repercussions on any relationship. I know I fucked up. Multiple times. I have to live with what happened everyday. I'm working on me all the time: I go the therapy, I see Nikki, now I see dr goodman, now I'm gonna see a neurologist to get the other shit looked at and maybe even check out why I don't sleep. I often feel like the pendulum is one sided, I try not to push I try not over step by boundaries I try not to talk too much I try not to touch you I try not to make you angry....I try I try I try. I feel like you don't find me attractive any more because of all the ugliness I've done or said or become. You don't touch me at all like you used to or even kiss me, I wait for you to make any kind of moves on any type of touch or kissing because I don't want you to get mad that I'm pushing. But instead it ends up like today where I have to write it down because I thought just maybe, maybe if I tried to make a subtle move by coming out in your robe and sitting beside you on the couch that maybe you would just hold me or just touch me a little. It isn't about sex or getting off its about the holding each other and the kissing and necking and hugging the passion that I need from you that you are not showing me or trying to show me at all. It's that your not even making an effort. I feel so ugly and alone and heart broken each time I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but it's the truth. I still get butterflies each time I look at you and kiss you and when you don't respond with my advances it kills me on the inside. It's not just your libido that's the problem it's me I know it because I see it in your face every time the subject comes up. You don't want me that way anymore. It's almost like I'm damaged goods. I feel damaged, I'm sorry Mimi I never meant to put you through any of that pain. I wish you could forgive me. Then maybe it would be easier to forgive myself. I love you. I'm sorry.
It took her awhile to respond back and I got this: I don't know why Im in such a mood this weekend this isn't like every weekend. I honestly don't know why I don't want to make love I just don't feel it inside of me. then she goes on to say what if it can't be fixed or what if she never wants to make love again...
I was so disappointed when I woke up this morning, a small part of me was hoping I wouldn't...
We've known each other and been together for almost nine years and in those years I have done some damage that to our relationship that would have lasting impressions and repercussions on any relationship. I know I fucked up. Multiple times. I have to live with what happened everyday. I'm working on me all the time: I go the therapy, I see Nikki, now I see dr goodman, now I'm gonna see a neurologist to get the other shit looked at and maybe even check out why I don't sleep. I often feel like the pendulum is one sided, I try not to push I try not over step by boundaries I try not to talk too much I try not to touch you I try not to make you angry....I try I try I try. I feel like you don't find me attractive any more because of all the ugliness I've done or said or become. You don't touch me at all like you used to or even kiss me, I wait for you to make any kind of moves on any type of touch or kissing because I don't want you to get mad that I'm pushing. But instead it ends up like today where I have to write it down because I thought just maybe, maybe if I tried to make a subtle move by coming out in your robe and sitting beside you on the couch that maybe you would just hold me or just touch me a little. It isn't about sex or getting off its about the holding each other and the kissing and necking and hugging the passion that I need from you that you are not showing me or trying to show me at all. It's that your not even making an effort. I feel so ugly and alone and heart broken each time I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but it's the truth. I still get butterflies each time I look at you and kiss you and when you don't respond with my advances it kills me on the inside. It's not just your libido that's the problem it's me I know it because I see it in your face every time the subject comes up. You don't want me that way anymore. It's almost like I'm damaged goods. I feel damaged, I'm sorry Mimi I never meant to put you through any of that pain. I wish you could forgive me. Then maybe it would be easier to forgive myself. I love you. I'm sorry.
It took her awhile to respond back and I got this: I don't know why Im in such a mood this weekend this isn't like every weekend. I honestly don't know why I don't want to make love I just don't feel it inside of me. then she goes on to say what if it can't be fixed or what if she never wants to make love again...
I was so disappointed when I woke up this morning, a small part of me was hoping I wouldn't...
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