I Wish I Was Dead Every Morning and Night

After these past weeks worrying about my final exams, I realized that I tend to think about killing myself the most during the night and the morning. I mean, I think about dying every day, but it always starts in the morning and the thoughts come back during the night. Each morning, I keep thinking, "I don't want to do this anymore. I want to die. This is too much. I don't want to get up. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I hate being alive," and stuff like that. Then, I turn off the alarm clock and go back to sleep and wake up some time in the afternoon. I have similar thoughts every night when the day is over and everyone at my house is asleep.

What I think I mean is that I don't want to live anymore, my responsibilites are too much for me, and I don't want to deal with my life anymore. I don't have many responsibilities. I really don't. I admit that I'm one of those people who currently live with their parents and don't pay bills because I'm unemployed. Besides getting a few groceries and chores and taking care of a couple of my mom's dogs, I don't have much responsibility. Now that exams are over and college is out, I have less responsibilities now. A weight is off my shoulders, but I still feel the same. I think I'm easily overwhelmed and I don't like it.

I think every morning and night, the truth comes out. The truth is, I'm not getting better. No matter how much I laugh or cheer myself up everyday, I still want to drop everything and die. Maybe I'm just using depression as an excuse for laziness. Maybe I deserve to have to guts to killy myself one day. I'm scared of the future and I'm scared of bettering myself because I'm scared of failure for some reason.