I wish i could let it out!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to do anymore. I am sick and tired of living here. I am sick and tired of living with my mom and fighting with her all the time. She makes me out to be a liar and denies ever spanking me as a child even though i remember those things clearly and i do not lie. I am sick and tired of it. She denies ignoring and me and not being very attentive to me as a child also, and i am sick and tired of it. She acts like she did nothing wrong. She has no idea what i went through with my sister as a child, who lives with me still.. I cant get away from her. I hate her. I hate her voice. I hate her being around me. I hate it.
As a child I was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abused by my sister. She's 2 years older than me. She was always so mean to me. She stole things from me. My toys, Barbies, Dolls, and even the little friends i ever had she took from me and got them to be her friends. She used to throw toys at my head too. And sometimes she would lock me in the closet for like two minuets. She would put something in front of the door so i couldnt get it. It was pitch dark in there and very stuffy and hot. It was terrible. And then sometimes she would put her hand over my mouth and i felt like i couldnt breathe, it was very scary. My mom has NO IDEA she even did this stuff to me and she thinks that my sister is an angel and never did anything wrong. She even said to me a few weeks ago that me and my sister used to get along great... No we did not. It just looked that way. I was very afraid of her when i was a kid and still am.
She sexually abused me until i was 12... and no one even noticed. She did it very secretly. My mom has NO IDEA about it. She doesnt know that this happened to me. She doesnt know that my sister did this to me. Every time me and her get into an argument i want to scream out, "MY SISTER SEXUALLY ABUSED ME!!!!!" But i dont. Because for one I dont want my sister on my back and i dont want her to come after me or something scary like that, and i honestly think she would. And two because i HIGHLY doubt my mom would believe me over my spoiled, selfish, bratty sister. I hate that i cant just scream it out. It puts a lot of pressure on me to keep quiet about it. It's a terrible feeling. Its at the tip of my tongue during EVERY SINGLE argument and our arguments are an everyday thing..
Im so lost. I dont know what to do. I need to get that out off the tip of my tongue before i go crazy. It's driving me nuts. My mom is probably wondering why i cant be around my disgusting piece of crap sister. Well i wish i could just TELL HER why. But i refuse to. SHe wont believe me anyways. She doesnt believe me about anything anyways. She didnt believe me when i told her one of my ex boyfriends raped me all the time she WILL NOT believe me that MY SISTER sexually abused me. I know it already... I dont know what to do.. Im lost. Im scared im gonna scream it out and then im going to get the crap beat out of me by my sister... when she gets mad shes extremely terrifying. I hate to say this but i think this will be on the tip of my tongue forever unless i get angry enough to let it all out. Ive come close to that plenty of times these past few arguments...
This wreaks havoc on my nerves and it makes me EXTREMELY anxious. I feel like telling someone else in my family so that it will somehow get back to my mom so that i dont have to tell her in an argument myself. I need to ... I feel like telling my aunt who i was close with as a child. I really do. But i dont know how she will react. And at this point i really dont care. It needs to come out. I cant keep having it there on the tip of my tongue 24/7 even when im not arguing with my mom its there.
As a child I was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abused by my sister. She's 2 years older than me. She was always so mean to me. She stole things from me. My toys, Barbies, Dolls, and even the little friends i ever had she took from me and got them to be her friends. She used to throw toys at my head too. And sometimes she would lock me in the closet for like two minuets. She would put something in front of the door so i couldnt get it. It was pitch dark in there and very stuffy and hot. It was terrible. And then sometimes she would put her hand over my mouth and i felt like i couldnt breathe, it was very scary. My mom has NO IDEA she even did this stuff to me and she thinks that my sister is an angel and never did anything wrong. She even said to me a few weeks ago that me and my sister used to get along great... No we did not. It just looked that way. I was very afraid of her when i was a kid and still am.
She sexually abused me until i was 12... and no one even noticed. She did it very secretly. My mom has NO IDEA about it. She doesnt know that this happened to me. She doesnt know that my sister did this to me. Every time me and her get into an argument i want to scream out, "MY SISTER SEXUALLY ABUSED ME!!!!!" But i dont. Because for one I dont want my sister on my back and i dont want her to come after me or something scary like that, and i honestly think she would. And two because i HIGHLY doubt my mom would believe me over my spoiled, selfish, bratty sister. I hate that i cant just scream it out. It puts a lot of pressure on me to keep quiet about it. It's a terrible feeling. Its at the tip of my tongue during EVERY SINGLE argument and our arguments are an everyday thing..
Im so lost. I dont know what to do. I need to get that out off the tip of my tongue before i go crazy. It's driving me nuts. My mom is probably wondering why i cant be around my disgusting piece of crap sister. Well i wish i could just TELL HER why. But i refuse to. SHe wont believe me anyways. She doesnt believe me about anything anyways. She didnt believe me when i told her one of my ex boyfriends raped me all the time she WILL NOT believe me that MY SISTER sexually abused me. I know it already... I dont know what to do.. Im lost. Im scared im gonna scream it out and then im going to get the crap beat out of me by my sister... when she gets mad shes extremely terrifying. I hate to say this but i think this will be on the tip of my tongue forever unless i get angry enough to let it all out. Ive come close to that plenty of times these past few arguments...
This wreaks havoc on my nerves and it makes me EXTREMELY anxious. I feel like telling someone else in my family so that it will somehow get back to my mom so that i dont have to tell her in an argument myself. I need to ... I feel like telling my aunt who i was close with as a child. I really do. But i dont know how she will react. And at this point i really dont care. It needs to come out. I cant keep having it there on the tip of my tongue 24/7 even when im not arguing with my mom its there.
Replies
Dear Leah, I feel for you and I believe what your telling us and I\'m glad you felt safe to confide in your DS friends. I do believe it needs to come out to your mom and i understand the fear of telling and not being believed, that had happened to me before. But its just like we teach small children if somebody hurts them to tell their parents, a teacher, churchmember MOST OF ALL YOUR THERAPIST WOULD BE A GOOD START AND SHE CAN GUIDE YOU THRU THE HEALING PROCESS.Your therapist is educated on how to deal with these situations, maybe even a therapist on Ds could advise you. Do you have a womens safe house in the town you live in, if your in fear of physical harms. How about a family medical doctor? I personally think a great burnden would be off your shoulders if u didnt have to carry that secret around anymore and got the therapy and support you rightfully need and deserve. Please reach out and keep telling the people i have mentioned until someone hears you and listens and gives you the help your wanting. You did really well in your journal and you didnt even bring up the stroke obsession. be kind to yourself and find safe people u can talk to. Your friends at DS care but are not therapists therefore all we can do is listen. I will be praying for you feel free to kep us posted, and keep journalling if you can it is therapeutic i feel..sincerely your friend.....God bless L.
I thik you should tell your mom and confont your sster when you are ready. It always hard. But maybe dealing with it will be a release that you stood up for yourself. you may not here what you want but atleast you get it out and if they deny it then you can make a choice to have them in your life. It may be time to take back your life. But only at your own speed. You could feel some relierf.