I will keep fighting!
Some days, I think I'm the biggest whinger. Maybe the pain isn't that bad? I can put up with it - people are sick of hearing about it! I've noticed lately, instead of saying "I'm in pain again =(" I'll just go get my head pack, take my panadine forte, curl up on the lounge and just be quiet for awhile - I think bf is noticing too....
Im so nervous about having a bigger operation - and you know what, it's not even the RISKS involved, I want to take them, I want to play sports, I want to socialise, I want to give my bf and I a better life because mostly I cant/dont do much...He puts up with so much and is such a sweetheart - It's not fair on him either. my biggest fear lays in how much an operation so 'big and risky' as my professor says will cost. I have private health insurance, mostly it will be covered, but here in Australia alot of doctors have excesses. my laparoscopy cost me almost $1000 out of pocket - being a student earing $200 a week off government youth allowance money for those who study (I know people are worse off) it's difficult to save, with rent, phone bills etc etc.
Also, I keep running through my head the fact he tells me "it's a disease, you have it for life" - I'm emotional enough without having to deal with this FOREVER.
I keep thinking even if I just chip away at my degree it's better than nothing, and this teachers aide/intergration aide course, it can help me get a job.. or I can do a community college course on the side which is normally one or two days a week. I mean I have options - BUT this disease takes over those options, it breaks you down and everything you wanted isnt so attainable anymore. But I have to do it - for me!! I have to keep going and come next year if I'm no closer then I'll choose a different path...
I just need to be positive, I CAN DO THIS... even if its in bed some days..reading books and writing notes.. I have a laptop - take that in there! it can be done, I need to be positive, I need to keep fighting.
I know other women have it worse off than me...it's just this constant throbbing, aching, stabbing, cramping etc it gets to you sometimes worse than others, but having a chronic constant pain - regardless of how severe or how often - it's heartbreaking to see what it does to everyone around you and to yourself.
Im so nervous about having a bigger operation - and you know what, it's not even the RISKS involved, I want to take them, I want to play sports, I want to socialise, I want to give my bf and I a better life because mostly I cant/dont do much...He puts up with so much and is such a sweetheart - It's not fair on him either. my biggest fear lays in how much an operation so 'big and risky' as my professor says will cost. I have private health insurance, mostly it will be covered, but here in Australia alot of doctors have excesses. my laparoscopy cost me almost $1000 out of pocket - being a student earing $200 a week off government youth allowance money for those who study (I know people are worse off) it's difficult to save, with rent, phone bills etc etc.
Also, I keep running through my head the fact he tells me "it's a disease, you have it for life" - I'm emotional enough without having to deal with this FOREVER.
I keep thinking even if I just chip away at my degree it's better than nothing, and this teachers aide/intergration aide course, it can help me get a job.. or I can do a community college course on the side which is normally one or two days a week. I mean I have options - BUT this disease takes over those options, it breaks you down and everything you wanted isnt so attainable anymore. But I have to do it - for me!! I have to keep going and come next year if I'm no closer then I'll choose a different path...
I just need to be positive, I CAN DO THIS... even if its in bed some days..reading books and writing notes.. I have a laptop - take that in there! it can be done, I need to be positive, I need to keep fighting.
I know other women have it worse off than me...it's just this constant throbbing, aching, stabbing, cramping etc it gets to you sometimes worse than others, but having a chronic constant pain - regardless of how severe or how often - it's heartbreaking to see what it does to everyone around you and to yourself.
Replies
Sweetie im so sorry youre feeling like this, first of all you are not a whinger, the whole time ive known you you have rarely complained and besides this site is for you to let it all out to be yourself and tell the truth and when youre having a crap day you can tell us even if you dont want to burden the people in your day to day life... all of us with endo regardless of the level of severity know exactly how you feel and i take great comfort in that on here you all know what i mean when i say im in pain..... It is overwhelming if you lok at it as a lifetime condition, because that takes your breath away, we cant think of it like that or we wont find the strenght to go on.... just do one day at a time or minute at a time if you have to, im sayign all that i know how it feels when you are overwhelmed and im here if you need to talk sweetie xoxoxo
You\'re such a wonderful friend! =)
I try and blurt it out and then re-think the situation - I can do this!
I have wonderful support from every angle! =)
I hope you\'re having a great day and thankyou so much for your caring words everytime =)
I honestly take great comfort in being here,
xoxoxo