I was raped

I was raped! I just started saying those words. I've gone back and fourth with myself. Some days I would land on the "it happened" side and other days I would land on the "you concocted this story all on your own" side. I guess that has to with the memory loss part of it. I'm not saying anyone who is raped has it easy because they sure as hell don't. But when you are drugged you always have the little bit of doubt in the back of your mind. Do I keep it there because I really think maybe it didn't happen, or do I keep it there because I wish it didn't happen. If I'm honest with myself it's both. Here is what I am sure of. I got in a car with a childhood friend with the intensions of going to meet a boy that I met online. It took us a lot longer to find him then we thought it would because we didn't really know where we were going. But we found him. Me and him climbed in the backseat and started making out while my friend drove my car unlicensed. She blew through a stop sign and a cop car was sitting there in the dark. He pulled us over. He asked if I knew she didn't have a license and I said I didn't know that. She said the same, after all that's what friends do. He said that he was going to take her back to the station with him and that I having a license was free to go. I remember crying because I knew that her abusive father would really do a number on her for this. If only I hadn't let her drive. I don't remember how I ended back at his house or how I got undressed or even what I was doing in the bed. But I remembering waking up and seeing him sitting at his computer. I tried to speak but couldn't, I tried sitting up but he came over to the bed and started pushing me back down. I remember him pushing his lips very hard against mine and I remember the disgusting feeling of his fingers entering me. I remember wanting to fight and not know why I couldn't. I couldn't even keep my eyes open. They were as heavy as my limbs. I must have passed back out because the next thing I remember is waking in the morning and being extremely thirsty. I opened the door to the bedroom and found the kitchen. I got a glass of water and looked over and there was a woman standing there doing the dishes, she didn't seem surprised to see me. Then I remember being in my car driving home and not really being able to read the street signs, but this time I knew where I was going and somehow made it home. I don't remember if I went to my aunts house first then my house, or if I went straight home. But I woke up in my room. Of course at this time I remember absolutely nothing after the cop takes Melissa so I just put it out of my mind. I would always find my mind wandering back to that night and trying really hard to remember what the hell happened but I never could. It wasn't until years later that the dreams started and then as I when I was awake little pieces would find their way back into my mind. So as of today 06-24-2016 I can sadly say "I was raped". But I don't know by who. I don't remember his name or where he lives or anything about him. I've kept it a secret all this time because who is going to believe me when I say " I was raped but I can't tell you by who because I don't know."