I was hoping not to have to write this.

June 22 was the day I brought Ben home. Here we are, not quite a month later, and he did crack tonight. He has $100 more to spend before the night is over--at least that is how much I'm sure he has at the moment. Not that he can't get more somewhere. I haven't been on this site in awhile, and now that I'm here, I'm forced to face the fact that the reason I haven't been on here is because I didn't want to think about needing support. That sounds so silly! I wanted to think it was all over even though in the back of my mind I was really just waiting for the next slip up. Brodie just looked at Ben yesterday and said, "I'm so glad you come home at night now." My poor little boy. And here I am tonight, exhausted, stressed, and heartbroken. I want to say, "Get out and stay out of my life." Why can't I do it? I've read one codependency book and I'm getting ready to reread it again. It is just so hard to follow through. I don't understand how to make myself detach from him. I'm already improved in some areas, but the detachment seems impossible. How do you not care? How do you not stress? How do you stop feeling? How do you quite worrying? And how can I possibly walk away and separate myself from him? I'm so sad that I'm back and writing about this again because I never wanted this to be the focus of my time again. Yet, what a relief to know that the people on this site have been here before me and gone through the same situations. What a relief to know that other people understand and aren't judging. I don't want to tell my family tomorrow. I don't want to hear the "I told you so's." I can stand the looks of sympathy and the looks that make me feel pathetic for sticking around with him through this. I'm so sad right now that I can't even write about it anymore. I just want to go to bed and pretend none of it is happening--until the morning brings the heartache back.