I wanted so much for you

I wanted so much for you, my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you down.
I wanted to hear the sounds of you crying for me at night, not my own sounds of crying for you, my innocent, misconceived baby.
I wanted to watch you grow, not the grass above the grave.
I wanted to see you asleep in the crib, not in the casket.
I wanted to give you Life, not Death.
I wanted to show you off, not alone go on.
I wanted to comb your fuzzy hair, not save a lock of it.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not this doll.
I wanted to walk you late at night, not my fears
I wanted so much for you, my newly born, newly gone child.
I wanted so much more
I wanted so much I wanted
I wanted you!
 
Maria Visscher.