I WANT TO SCREAM!!
WELL, HERE I SIT ANOTHER DAY WITH MY SEVERE PAIN THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE BODY, AS WELL AS THE EXHAUSTION AND TIREDNESS OVERWHELMING ME SO MUCH LATELY!!!!!!! I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO SAY IN MY JOURNAL TODAY. I JUST FEEL SOOOO DOWN AND FRUSTRATED AND DOWN!! MY HUSBAND (TERRY) WAS HOME AGAIN FOR THE WEEKEND, AND LEFT AGAIN EARLY THIS MORNING FOR HIS WORK WEEKLY OUT OF TOWN. RIGHT NOW I JUST FEEL EMPTY, SOOOO ALONE! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF???? THE WEEKENDS WHEN TERRY IS HOME I TRY TO BE AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE, BUT IT ALWAYS ENDS UP WITH ME IN MY TERRIBLE PAIN, AS FOR YESTERDAY SUNDAY THAT LAST DAY TO BE WITH MY HUSBAND BEFORE HE HAD TO LEAVE FOR WORK OUT OF TOWN AGAIN, WELL, I ENDED UP IN AND OUT OF BED ALL DAY, SOOO MUCH SEVERE PAIN AND EXHAUSTION!! THIS IS VERY MENTALLY UPSETTING TO ME, AS WE HAVE SOOO LITTLE TIME TO BE WITH EACHOTHER THAT WHEN I DO GET THIS SICK ON THE WEEKENDS I FEEL EXTREME GUILT AND SOOOO ANGRY WITH THIS SICKENING ILLNESS THAT I WANT TO KICK SOMETHING!! IT IS JUST SOOO VERY UNFAIR!!! ALOT OF THE TIME I WISH I HAD ANOTHER ILLNESS ANYTHING, JUST SO I WOULDN'T BE IN THIS TERRIBLE PAIN AND EXHAUSTION!! BUT THEN I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT ARE WORSE THAN ME, AND PROBABLY WISH THEY HAD MY ILLNESS???? WHO KNOWS??? ALL I FEEL IS THAT LIFE SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY, FOREVER STRUGGLING EVERY DAMN DAY!!! THE LOSS OF ENERGY IS VERY BAD AS RIGHT NOW I HAVE A SINK FULL OF DISHES, WASHING TO DO, ERRANDS TO DO, ETC. BUT EVEN GOING TO THE BATHROOM IS A FULL USE OF ENERGY THAT I LACK SO DESPERATELY. I LOOK FORWARD TO THE MESSAGES AND HUGS THAT ALL OF YOU SEND TO ME, AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE SUFFERING SO BAD YOURSELVES!! SO I WANT TO THANKYOU ALL SO VERY MUCH FOR KEEPING IN TOUCH WITH ME WHEN YOU CAN!! I HAVE NOTICED THOUGH THAT I AM GETTING FEWER AND FEWER MESSAGES AND HUGS, SO I THINK THAT EVERYONE IS SUFFERING IN THERE OWN WAY, AND IT SEEMS TO BE GETTING WORSE!! I READ YOUR JOURNALS AND EVERYONE SOUNDS SOOO SAD, DEPRESSED, IN INSANE PAIN, EXHAUSTED ALSO!! WHAT IS THIS ILLNESS DOING TO ALL OF US?? THAT WE DON'T EVEN HAVE THE EFFORT OR HEALTH TO EVEN WRITE TO EACHOTHER??? THIS IS VERY SAD, AND IT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY AT THE HEALTH SYSTEM FOR NOT HELPING US VERY MUCH MORE THAN THEY ARE!! DON'T THEY KNOW HOW BADLY WE ARE ALL STRUGGLING?? DOES NO ONE CARE??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ALL OF THESE NEW SO CALLED "MEDS"? NEW "TESTS" AND THIS SO CALLED "CURES"??? I THINK IT IS ALL BULLSHIT! AND WE (US) THE SUFFERERS HAVE TO SOMEHOW COME TOGETHER AND DEMAND SOME SORT OF ANSWERS, WE ARE AND CONTINUE TO BE IN SERIOUS PAIN AND MENTAL TURMOIL!!! I AM SORRY BUT I AM SOOO ANGRY AT THIS SYSTEM FOR OUR FIBROMYALGIA AND CHRONIC FATIGUE, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND MENTAL STABILITY!!!! I CRY FOR HELP LOUD AND CLEAR TO WHOEVER CAN HEAR ME!!! PLEASE, LORD LET THEM OR WHOEVER TO FIND US SOME ANSWERS WE DO NOT WANT TO CONTINUE TO LIVE THIS KIND OF LIFE IT IS KILLING OUR SPIRIT, OUR SOULS!! OR RELATIONSHIPS, OUR FAMILIES, FRIENDS ETC.!!!! I HAVE LOST MANY FRIENDS TO THIS DISEASE I FEEL SO VERY ALONE ALL THE TIME, WITH VERY FEW THAT TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH DAILY, HOUR BY HOUR , AND MINUTE BY MINUTE!!! DEAR FRIENDS I AM VERY SORRY FOR GOING ON AND ON REGARDING MY FEELINGS, DESPERATION, FRUSTRATIONS, AND DEPRESSING LIFE I AM SOOO ENTANGLED IN, I CAN'T BREATHE ANYMORE, I THINK I WILL END THIS AS I FEEL I NEED TO HAVE A VERY GOOD CRY AND SCREAM I HAVE TO RELEASE SOME OF THIS THE ONLY WAY I CAN!!! FORGIVE ME BUT I AM IN SOOO MUCH PAIN AND ANGUISH I JUST GIVE UP.........
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