I want to cancel Christmas.......

I don't know what to do with myself.  I look at the decorations and just want to pack them up.  I don't want to look at them.  I am trying to force myself to still celebrate it, but I can't be in the mood.  In September, my son moved to Colorado hoping to find a job more along his interest level than what was offered here.  That was just before my daughter flew to China to teach English.  Her dream job.  Sometimes she posts photos.  Sometimes she will send me some through we chat.  We moved to Alabama in 2015.  Before the move I had some friends.  But, since our move, I have found only fake friends. I have not a single real friend here.  So I don't have anyone to say hey can we go get a coffee or get dinner.  I only have my husband. Not for lack of trying. I try to be involved and put myself out there.  But, people already have their friend groups when you are over 30.  I had a hard time at Thanksgiving we honestly didn't do much as far as food we actually at our Thanksgiving dinner on Friday.  Then I was lifted. I said ya know what this is my new normal, I have to find my path. 

I got really organized for 2019 on my youtube channel.  Started ordering things to do videos for....I started prepping my video room.  I started planning things to sell on etsy.  Then we had a couple of bills crop up for breaking things.  Then I ordered things on Cyber Monday from Michaels and they called me and said they had them and then they just put them on the floor and sold them immediately?  Yeah someone stole them and we never got our refund...So they gave us a michaels gift card because we didn't have a scan code.  We paid online.  I told my husband to fight it online and tell them that we never received our product.  Then we found out my husbands debit card was compromised and we have to wait to get the money refunded after a process with the bank. 

Most of what I got my husband for christmas is stuff for blacksmithing (handles for knives and stuff) and stuff to make worms for fishing (something he has really wanted to try).  they are all so small. I told him what I want and it was all small stuff.  SO we have like 10 small gifts under the tree and it looks so empty.  My son took his ornaments with him.  My daughter always hangs hers so I couldn't do it. 

Then I mailed them their Christmas presents.  My son got his....as of today 2 weeks later.  My daughter now has to maybe pay a bribe to the Chinese mail office to get her boxes.  And they told her they may make her open everything including her Christmas presents.  We had agreed she would open them with me online so I could at least see her open them...now that has been taken away.  

I just want to cancel Christmas now.  I don't want anything to do with it.  Im over it. Im just sad all the time and now I don't want to do anything.  i have no friends to talk to.  My husband doesn't get it.  So I feel completely alone.  

Meanwhile, my grandmother who raised me...well...she has alzheimers. When I called her today because it always makes me feel better....she didn't know who I was.....at all.  She told me an uncle died who didn't die.  i was crying because he died and then I went to message his wife on fb only to realize there was nothing about him dying...no messages of so sorry for your loss. Also a tagged comment from today from her Granddaughter talking about being on her way to see both of them.  SO I messaged another uncle and my dad to find out and found out he was alive.  My dad said she can't tell the difference between reality and dreams.  When she goes so does any connection to family.  My biological mom is toxic as are my half brothers.  My aunts and uncles have made it clear that I don't belong because I don't make as much money as they do.....So i am seriously alone.  My dad I have to call him and he never calls me...we don't have a relationship persay.  Once she goes...Im alone.  Im all I have from my family. And her mind is going so fast.  I am mourning too many things right now.  

I need to leave this all behind in 2018.  I have to be better in 2019.  I don't know how.  I don't know where to start.  Im running out of time to figure it out.