I wanna die...
I am seriously contemplating suicide right now, well as seriously as a pussy like me can contemplate it. Iv been a cutter for quite a while now but iv never really killed mmyself. you know up until now i never really understood why Japanese committed group suicides, i do now its so that they dont chicken out. they help each other end their lifes n their suffering. thats exactly what i need i need a suicide partner someone who'll assist in my suicide help me kill myself now that would be something wouldnt it... im thinking nikki would be a good person to ask given that shes half japanese. I wonder if she would help me finish my life samurai style. I think il ask her just now. nikki sigh how i really wish nikki were online right now...
Iv cut myself
last time i cut was 17 aug 2012 waow i just realized its been exactly one month since i last cut.
funniest thing the symptoms last time were
off sodium divalproate 15 days, its been 12 days since i stopped the sodium val
another symptom was looking at her pictures over and over, well Iv been refreshing my gmail all night hoping for her to mail even though its night and I know shes asleep.
I havent been pity partying as long as last time though only maybe 8 9 hours
also my moods been pretty hypomanic iv been working really hard and alot and i was applying for my SAT's n everything and making up with mom but iv suddenly been derailed
why does she fuck me up like this? what is wrong with me? Im an addict I dont love anyone or anything but myself this isnt love it cant be love this is just my OCD acting out. This is just the OCD, I will not stalk her I will not stalk her.
god dammit shendelzare you are not sending her another fucking mail stop it, dont you get it you just make things worse, you only end up making her hate you more. you know the mails will just piss her off and she'll swear at you and that'll hurt man that really fucking hurts, n then you go all whiny bitchy feely and well that just pisses me off cuz that aint who we are man it just aint who we are.
pull yourself together my friend por fala nodor tolini dura
ur a dog boy you were born a dog, bred on the streets the streets are your home the night your cover and scum your people. remember who you are silkwood always remember who you are. ur an avatar of vengeance.
dont ever forget this boy ur a dog the streets your home night your cover and scum your people.
there is a song playing in my head "bitter sweet symphony" by verve
Well I never prayBut tonight I'm on my knees yeahI need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeahI let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free nowBut the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
who do we turn to in times of utter despair and darkness? who?
Elune? will the goddess shine her light upon me?
no... she doesnt exist beyond the confines of my twisted mind.
maybe i should pray to the wicccan winter goddess the prayer goes
O! Mighty goddess, in silvery ice,watching over us as we sleep, a layer of shining white,covering the earth each night,frost on the world and in the soul,we thank you for visiting us.Because of you, we seek warmthin the comfort of our homes and hearths.
nope... the winter goddess isnt responding neither
maybe i should call upon the elements like the orcs
Storm Earth and Fire heed my call...
but they are nothing but innate elements how would they hear me or come to my aid.
reminds me of Abraham he saw his father worship gods of stone and thought these were made by man how can they be gods? so he looked to the moon and thought it was god but when morning came it disappeared, so he thought the sun was god, but it too disappeared and so he called out to the god of the sun and the moon.
and Jacob said to his sons "I plead my grief and sorrow before God. I have knowledge from God that you do not have."
and Zakarayah called out to his lord in secret ‘Lord, my bones have weakened and my hair is ashen grey, but never, Lord, have I ever prayed to You in vain."
Perhaps i should pray to this lord the lord of Jacob and Zakarayah and Abraham.
Ya rabb please let me dig a way out this hole iv dug for myself...
god I know im a fuck up I burn everything I touch but lord you are god and you are omnipotent you have the power to forgive me you have the power to fix everything. lord i might not be as righteous as Zakarayah but I too am your creation just like him he never prayed to you in vain i dont expect you to exalt me to his level i just ask that you accept my prayer today just this one time just right now.
lord grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference
god I really wanna give the SAT's please make that work out somehow
god I was really bad to my father last night, i really hurt the old man please fix that somehow
and god my friend lucille is really sick, god please dont let her die a few days ago i logged on after a while n she said where've you been iv missed you you make my nights. after so long i felt relevant again, god I have no friends in this godforsaken desert not one. I dont talk to anyone from back home i have too dark a past to do that god please dont let anything happen to luci please...
and god i know im stretching it now but please please dont let me fuck things up with sara today please...
oh god she just mailed after 11 hours she mailed i wanted to send her a gift but she said i wished and thats all that matters. She said "haha. thats ok. you dont have to overcompensate anymore. im over it. you should be too"
o god shendy things are good leave them on a positive funny cool non weird state just stop mailing her before it gets confrontational just stop buddy you gotta calm down calm the fuck down relax deep breaths deep breaths boy steady now.
SHENDELZARE SILKWOOD YOU STOP THIS INSTANT!!!!!!!!!
its been 12 mails thats more than uv exchanged in this whole year just let it go now buddy it will get explosive be careful...
I wanna ask her if shes seeing someone i wanna ask her so bad if shes seeing someone but im afraid what if she is that'll hurt so bad and if she doesnt reply n gets angry that'll hurt worse god im such a mess. my hearts pounding in my chest pounding so hard like iv run a mile... I cant feel my hands they are so cold and i cant even be bothered with the cuts all i can think is shes writing to me im talking to her is this a dream?? or is it really her...
okay so we exchanged 47 emails pure small talk nothing of consequence i tried really hard to find an in; try wriggle back into her life but she pushed me out every time i tried to gain an inch.
oh god im soooo exhausted i havent slept in soo long and theres soo much work to be done
i have to do a 10 page essay on privatization in china
write a report on marketing of high end fashion cloths in australia
write a press release for a web company
make a sitemap for the website
oh god i just wanna crash in bed.
dammit i need something to keep me up
come on shendelzare you are a warrior ruthless fearless you dont need rest you dont need food or water or sleep you body burns you anger your hate that is your fuel that is what drives you
gentleman start you engines get the turbines into full speed
we do not stop until everything is done we do not rest until its all done do you understand solider?
Iv cut myself
last time i cut was 17 aug 2012 waow i just realized its been exactly one month since i last cut.
funniest thing the symptoms last time were
off sodium divalproate 15 days, its been 12 days since i stopped the sodium val
another symptom was looking at her pictures over and over, well Iv been refreshing my gmail all night hoping for her to mail even though its night and I know shes asleep.
I havent been pity partying as long as last time though only maybe 8 9 hours
also my moods been pretty hypomanic iv been working really hard and alot and i was applying for my SAT's n everything and making up with mom but iv suddenly been derailed
why does she fuck me up like this? what is wrong with me? Im an addict I dont love anyone or anything but myself this isnt love it cant be love this is just my OCD acting out. This is just the OCD, I will not stalk her I will not stalk her.
god dammit shendelzare you are not sending her another fucking mail stop it, dont you get it you just make things worse, you only end up making her hate you more. you know the mails will just piss her off and she'll swear at you and that'll hurt man that really fucking hurts, n then you go all whiny bitchy feely and well that just pisses me off cuz that aint who we are man it just aint who we are.
pull yourself together my friend por fala nodor tolini dura
ur a dog boy you were born a dog, bred on the streets the streets are your home the night your cover and scum your people. remember who you are silkwood always remember who you are. ur an avatar of vengeance.
dont ever forget this boy ur a dog the streets your home night your cover and scum your people.
there is a song playing in my head "bitter sweet symphony" by verve
Well I never prayBut tonight I'm on my knees yeahI need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeahI let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free nowBut the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
who do we turn to in times of utter despair and darkness? who?
Elune? will the goddess shine her light upon me?
no... she doesnt exist beyond the confines of my twisted mind.
maybe i should pray to the wicccan winter goddess the prayer goes
O! Mighty goddess, in silvery ice,watching over us as we sleep, a layer of shining white,covering the earth each night,frost on the world and in the soul,we thank you for visiting us.Because of you, we seek warmthin the comfort of our homes and hearths.
nope... the winter goddess isnt responding neither
maybe i should call upon the elements like the orcs
Storm Earth and Fire heed my call...
but they are nothing but innate elements how would they hear me or come to my aid.
reminds me of Abraham he saw his father worship gods of stone and thought these were made by man how can they be gods? so he looked to the moon and thought it was god but when morning came it disappeared, so he thought the sun was god, but it too disappeared and so he called out to the god of the sun and the moon.
and Jacob said to his sons "I plead my grief and sorrow before God. I have knowledge from God that you do not have."
and Zakarayah called out to his lord in secret ‘Lord, my bones have weakened and my hair is ashen grey, but never, Lord, have I ever prayed to You in vain."
Perhaps i should pray to this lord the lord of Jacob and Zakarayah and Abraham.
Ya rabb please let me dig a way out this hole iv dug for myself...
god I know im a fuck up I burn everything I touch but lord you are god and you are omnipotent you have the power to forgive me you have the power to fix everything. lord i might not be as righteous as Zakarayah but I too am your creation just like him he never prayed to you in vain i dont expect you to exalt me to his level i just ask that you accept my prayer today just this one time just right now.
lord grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference
god I really wanna give the SAT's please make that work out somehow
god I was really bad to my father last night, i really hurt the old man please fix that somehow
and god my friend lucille is really sick, god please dont let her die a few days ago i logged on after a while n she said where've you been iv missed you you make my nights. after so long i felt relevant again, god I have no friends in this godforsaken desert not one. I dont talk to anyone from back home i have too dark a past to do that god please dont let anything happen to luci please...
and god i know im stretching it now but please please dont let me fuck things up with sara today please...
oh god she just mailed after 11 hours she mailed i wanted to send her a gift but she said i wished and thats all that matters. She said "haha. thats ok. you dont have to overcompensate anymore. im over it. you should be too"
o god shendy things are good leave them on a positive funny cool non weird state just stop mailing her before it gets confrontational just stop buddy you gotta calm down calm the fuck down relax deep breaths deep breaths boy steady now.
SHENDELZARE SILKWOOD YOU STOP THIS INSTANT!!!!!!!!!
its been 12 mails thats more than uv exchanged in this whole year just let it go now buddy it will get explosive be careful...
I wanna ask her if shes seeing someone i wanna ask her so bad if shes seeing someone but im afraid what if she is that'll hurt so bad and if she doesnt reply n gets angry that'll hurt worse god im such a mess. my hearts pounding in my chest pounding so hard like iv run a mile... I cant feel my hands they are so cold and i cant even be bothered with the cuts all i can think is shes writing to me im talking to her is this a dream?? or is it really her...
okay so we exchanged 47 emails pure small talk nothing of consequence i tried really hard to find an in; try wriggle back into her life but she pushed me out every time i tried to gain an inch.
oh god im soooo exhausted i havent slept in soo long and theres soo much work to be done
i have to do a 10 page essay on privatization in china
write a report on marketing of high end fashion cloths in australia
write a press release for a web company
make a sitemap for the website
oh god i just wanna crash in bed.
dammit i need something to keep me up
come on shendelzare you are a warrior ruthless fearless you dont need rest you dont need food or water or sleep you body burns you anger your hate that is your fuel that is what drives you
gentleman start you engines get the turbines into full speed
we do not stop until everything is done we do not rest until its all done do you understand solider?
Replies
Oh god there is nothing easy except what you make easy and you make the difficult easy if it be your will
wow
xoxox
Thinking of u. Please stop mailing Sara. It is time to move on my friend.
pray for you
aww..if only that girl sara only saw and cared about how much u love and miss her.You deserve to have someone special in ur life if she\'s not making an effort anymore then it\'s time to move on you deserve to have someone who loves u and treats you good.:)
I understand how you feel about Sara. You love her, but you don\'t want to fuck things up with her. That\'s happened to me before. With a guy, I mean, but other than that, it\'s pretty similar.