I've Turned Off That Snooze.....
As I have been taking breaks from housework today, I check in here and there. I would come across others struggling and as I would type and share kind words, it did remind me to again extend them to myself. I reread my last few journals and I see and feel all the encouragement from so many here . I actually spend alot of time thinking about what it will be like to finally just have to be responsible for myself and finally finding some satisfaction, contentment and "happiness".
I cannot imagine not having to spend every waking moment doing for everyone besides myself . Don't get me wrong,I will always care about others and do what I can to help anyone in need. (And I would like nothing more than to be able to actually find someone special who actually wants to open up and share everything... hopes,dreams, flaws, fears, fantasies as well as affection and the most intimate connection two people can share... sex) I know it will be hard and I am in for a struggle, but it is one I chose to go after.
I could be content just going through the motions.Surviving day to day..... but for me that is a waste of time and energy.... why even bother? Stbx did mention something yesterday of a concern with his bloodwork. Mentioned another thing they wanted to watch. It again brought meback to the days when we spent time in the ER all the time. (All I could think is how can i be so cruel to want to leave now? Then I realize for a long time , there is always another worry or concern to keep me here. ) I will always care, but I can't continue to be responsible for everything and everyone.
I am a bit ashamed to say it out loud, but it is my turn now.
Replies
I DID FORGET THE MAIN REASON OF MY JOURNAL...... I HAVE MADE THE APPT TO BEGIN AND FILE FOR DIVORCE. (Better late than never? I hope)
Yay super happy dance!!!! *clapping hands*
Great news! Hugs.
thank you both. :)
Hugs my friend, you will be fine. Just be gentle with yourself. Post as much as you need to. Be ready for him to morph into something that you never thought was possible. Remember if their lips are moving they are lying. They will try all they can to make themselves look like the victim.
That is something I dread. I have always worried far too much what others think of me. Since I am the one who is actually moving forward, I do appear to be the "troublemaker". Yes well, that does seem to be my middle name these days. lol
(I am just dreading telling him THIS TIME I have actually gone ahead and filed. Either way, the sadness or that anger again... I do dread either one but I have to start to face those fears and move forward. I have wasted so much time already)
Someone did share with me that it is more important to actually DO what we need to than simply become aware. I have spent alot of time contemplating .and imagining how things can be.. As excited as I am, I am also scared to death... I do pray for the strength and courage i need to do this. (It does help to know so many here are behind me as well. . That means alot.)
A Wise woman once said......"Fuck this Shit" and lived happily ever after.....
Funny, I have been thinking that for years. lol
Well, you don't actually have to tell him. You can let the process server do the telling for you! That's what I did, not because I dreaded doing it (which I did) but because that's what the lawyer recommended. Boy my ex was pissed - I had asked if they could serve him at the end of his work day, but it was just another stop on the server's schedule - he was going to do it when it fit best in his schedule. That's about the only benefit of being the one to file, you avoid the potential embarrassment of being served at a public place. Keep up the good work VQ.
Now you're on the right track!!!! I'm so happy for you my friend :)
Good for you ! It can only get better veggie queen and at least now there is hope.
thinking of you and wishing you all the good things in life.
Thank you all for your support. It means alot.