I've had enough of dating... at least for today!

Oh, Mother Goddess! I am such an impetuous little boy! I met a real nice woman and we started to see each otheron a regular basis. All was going well, until I interrupted things. I felt like I was hiding things from her. So I wrote her a letter detailing some of my issues with sexual identity, having had sex with many women and even more men, being molested by my sister and other boys and men. Anyway, as could be expected, the budding relationship is budding no longer! We went from talking, texting, and emailing everyday, to no communication whatsoever! Needless to say, my wacked out thoughts went insane. First, I thought, she hates me, I am so screwed up that no woman would want me; second, that the best I could ever hope is to be alone for the rest of my life or stuck being someone's good little "whore." It's been really tough, emotionally. It's difficult to want to get out of bed in the am; and just as difficult in getting in the bed at night. I don't fall asleep, I pass out from exhaustion! I must force myself to eat or I might suffer a serious hypoglysemic reaction, which could easily lead to a stroke or worse. I eat only enough to stay out of the hospital! Being diabetic and having access to needles, the temptation to inject something other than insulin in my body has not completely disappeared!
I have learned something, though! I am still trying to find a woman to be my mother(She died about 45 years ago-I have absolutely NO memories of her!); and I still believe that if I have sex with enough or the "right" woman, I might be able to get my power back that was stolen from me when my sister molested me! This sounds crazy, but, it is only when the "woman" in me takes over that I feel I have any power or confidence. When I'm the "man", I feel weak, afraid and with no confidence whatsoever! Sounds crazy, huh?! I wonder why do I even try with women anyway? Is it just so people will think I'm like other heterosexual men, when I know that I am not! It's like, "When am I ever going to learn!!!" I feel like I am soooo stupid or something! Oh, well!!