i've forgotten i guess

tonight i went to my sister's favourite watering hole to hang out with her for a while. i had fun watching people and laughing about bad karaoke. she introduced me to a couple of friends of hers, one of whom she always said was a really dry wit. i thought it was okay that i made a joke with him about taking a math class when he got confused about the age difference between me and my sister. i wasn't trying to be offensive or insulting, but she said later that he asked her what my problem was. i guess i've forgotten how to be social. i feel bad about making her friend uncomfortable and embarassing her. i told her i won't go back to the bar with her again so she won't have to worry about me making a bad impression on her friends.  i feel down now and i was doing really okay today but this just makes me think that maybe i'm always going to be lonely and the odd one out. she doesn't invite me to go with her very often and now i guess she won't again. i need to make some friends of my own but i don't really know how to anymore. i've been so isolated for the last few years. and things like this just make me feel like i'm a burden and unwanted. i wish i could be the bubbly happy person others want me to be. looking back on this afternoon i think i was being obtuse when she said she didn't think i'd enjoy tonight because i'm cycling. i told her i'd be fine, but maybe she really didn't want me to come and just said that to drop a big hint i obviously missed.  being around people actually felt good for once but maybe i don't deserve to be social if i can't act with the right kind of tact and etiquette. and since i don't know or can't always tell what's good in social situations it's better that i continue to be isolated, even if i get lonely sometimes.  at least with school starting soon i won't have time to be bored and i'll just be sure to stick to class and not try to get involved with the others there.  i'm nervous about school though. i have been cycling and dealing with some pretty blue moods. i don't think about drastic action yet, but it's always a bad sign for me when i start thinking about not being here, even fleetingly.  i worry that the stress of school will send me into crisis again. i don't want to end up in the hospital again. i'm trying to plan everything out so i don't have as much anxiety, or too much time to think bad things. still it's hard sometimes.  i remember what it was like to have someone who put me first and loved me so much. i can't say unconditionally because of the way our relationship ended, but i miss that and i don't think i'll ever have it again. going out with my sister and seeing her enjoy herself so much is bittersweet i guess. watching others have fun is a way to forget the lonliness but when the night is over the emptiness really rolls in.  and now i'm feeling a bit of self-pity which is stupid, and very much like a crying fit is coming on which is even stupider.  i wish i was different.