I've forgotten how to be happy ....
Daily Strength .... boy I have so many good memories from this support group. Just opening this website and seeing the names of all the people I went through my divorce with brings a flood of feelings.
I was on DS in 2008, probably through 2011. I was blind sided by a divorce in 2008/2009 by a man I spent 24 years with, 21 of them married. I was an emotional and physical wreck and the group of friends I made on this site was a God send. I still keep in touch with almost all of them through FB now.
Most of the friends I had here on DS have moved on to happier lives. I've watched them meet someone wonderful, get remarried or simply embrace their new single lives and I'm so very happy for them.
For me that time has not come. It's been 7 of the longest years of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm no longer harboring feelings for my ex. That passed a long time ago. I am, however still harboring anger from the financial fallout he left me and his kids with. I really don't know if I will ever get over what he did to us. It's funny because I thought I would never getting over the cheating but I did. I could care less that he married the woman he left us for. But to leave us with nothing, knowing his kids still needed support, that's the part I don't think I'll ever get past.
I truly believe the stress from the last 7 years has taken it's toll on my body and my mind. I was a strong, confident woman before all of this. I had good self-esteem and a positive attitude about life. But the stress has taken a toll on my health, my body and (I think) my looks. I no longer carry myself with my head held high. I developed an auto immune disease that is attacking my kidneys and at 54 I'm on medications I never knew existed. I hurt every day. My face, of all things, has a skin condition from out of no where and the medications have added 25 lbs. I don't date. I keep thinking who the hell wants this .. me and all my problems. I've let go of all my post-divorce friends because I couldn't participate in evenings out or dinners or vacations or road trips. I didn't have the extra cash for those kinds of things.
For 7 years I've focused on keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table and all the other life necessities. I'm proud of how much I have accomplished on my own but angry that I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel so many times. To be thrown into poverty after living a good and happy life is humbling to say the least. I owe so many people money that have helped me along the way. This weighs so heavy on my mind and is the main reason I dropped out of their lives. How to face these people knowing I will probably never be able to repay them All the while my ex is living like a king with new cars, boats, $300K home, vacations ... to say it's not fair sounds so childish and envious but I can't help thinking I never deserved this. I know I was a good wife and mom to our kids. I know we didn't have a perfect marriage but we had a pretty GREAT family. My kids don't talk to their dad. They are young adults now and have no respect for their father. I've tried to mend that fence but it's something they will eventually have to make a decision on their own about.
For the record, I don't show them my anger towards their dad. We don't talk about him and I try, for their sake, to keep a happy face on. They don't know I still cry after all these years. They don't know how unhappy I am. It's not their problem and they've gone through so much already.
I don't have much of a family to pull me out of this pit. No family gatherings on holidays or any day for that matter. It's just me and my 2 kids ... he took our family with him when he left. I miss that more than anything.
There are days when all I really need is someone to put their arms around me and tell me it's going to be ok but there is no one in my life to do that. Literally no one! I know most of this is my own doing at this point. I know that I'm the one who let go of life but when one thing after another keeps hitting you, eventually you just stay down. And no, I'm not depressed, I'm just unhappy. There is a difference. If I was depressed I'd say, cool, there are meds for that, hit me up, but being unhappy in life is different. I've forgotten how to be happy. I've forgotten what it feels like to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day and what it could bring. My body doesn't work like it did so I can't participate in normal activities ... like dating.
I used to think that I would meet someone wonderful and I'd love to be married again someday, but I don't see that happening in my current state of mind and body. It's tough facing that possibility. It's not that I'm lonely but it would be nice to have someone (other than my kids) who gives a damn about me. It would be nice.
Well ... I didn't expect to come here to DS and pour my heart out in this journal. But since the words flowed so easily and readily, I think it's something that I needed to do. This is not the kind of encouraging journal those of you who are going through a divorce need to hear but it's something I needed to get out ... for me. Self therapy in a way, I guess.
I've always said "the best is yet to come". I still believe this ... if I didn't I can't imagine what there would be to look forward to. My time will come and someday I'll reflect on this moment and realize that I truly made it through the fire and rose from the ashes of my previous life.
I was on DS in 2008, probably through 2011. I was blind sided by a divorce in 2008/2009 by a man I spent 24 years with, 21 of them married. I was an emotional and physical wreck and the group of friends I made on this site was a God send. I still keep in touch with almost all of them through FB now.
Most of the friends I had here on DS have moved on to happier lives. I've watched them meet someone wonderful, get remarried or simply embrace their new single lives and I'm so very happy for them.
For me that time has not come. It's been 7 of the longest years of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm no longer harboring feelings for my ex. That passed a long time ago. I am, however still harboring anger from the financial fallout he left me and his kids with. I really don't know if I will ever get over what he did to us. It's funny because I thought I would never getting over the cheating but I did. I could care less that he married the woman he left us for. But to leave us with nothing, knowing his kids still needed support, that's the part I don't think I'll ever get past.
I truly believe the stress from the last 7 years has taken it's toll on my body and my mind. I was a strong, confident woman before all of this. I had good self-esteem and a positive attitude about life. But the stress has taken a toll on my health, my body and (I think) my looks. I no longer carry myself with my head held high. I developed an auto immune disease that is attacking my kidneys and at 54 I'm on medications I never knew existed. I hurt every day. My face, of all things, has a skin condition from out of no where and the medications have added 25 lbs. I don't date. I keep thinking who the hell wants this .. me and all my problems. I've let go of all my post-divorce friends because I couldn't participate in evenings out or dinners or vacations or road trips. I didn't have the extra cash for those kinds of things.
For 7 years I've focused on keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table and all the other life necessities. I'm proud of how much I have accomplished on my own but angry that I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel so many times. To be thrown into poverty after living a good and happy life is humbling to say the least. I owe so many people money that have helped me along the way. This weighs so heavy on my mind and is the main reason I dropped out of their lives. How to face these people knowing I will probably never be able to repay them All the while my ex is living like a king with new cars, boats, $300K home, vacations ... to say it's not fair sounds so childish and envious but I can't help thinking I never deserved this. I know I was a good wife and mom to our kids. I know we didn't have a perfect marriage but we had a pretty GREAT family. My kids don't talk to their dad. They are young adults now and have no respect for their father. I've tried to mend that fence but it's something they will eventually have to make a decision on their own about.
For the record, I don't show them my anger towards their dad. We don't talk about him and I try, for their sake, to keep a happy face on. They don't know I still cry after all these years. They don't know how unhappy I am. It's not their problem and they've gone through so much already.
I don't have much of a family to pull me out of this pit. No family gatherings on holidays or any day for that matter. It's just me and my 2 kids ... he took our family with him when he left. I miss that more than anything.
There are days when all I really need is someone to put their arms around me and tell me it's going to be ok but there is no one in my life to do that. Literally no one! I know most of this is my own doing at this point. I know that I'm the one who let go of life but when one thing after another keeps hitting you, eventually you just stay down. And no, I'm not depressed, I'm just unhappy. There is a difference. If I was depressed I'd say, cool, there are meds for that, hit me up, but being unhappy in life is different. I've forgotten how to be happy. I've forgotten what it feels like to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day and what it could bring. My body doesn't work like it did so I can't participate in normal activities ... like dating.
I used to think that I would meet someone wonderful and I'd love to be married again someday, but I don't see that happening in my current state of mind and body. It's tough facing that possibility. It's not that I'm lonely but it would be nice to have someone (other than my kids) who gives a damn about me. It would be nice.
Well ... I didn't expect to come here to DS and pour my heart out in this journal. But since the words flowed so easily and readily, I think it's something that I needed to do. This is not the kind of encouraging journal those of you who are going through a divorce need to hear but it's something I needed to get out ... for me. Self therapy in a way, I guess.
I've always said "the best is yet to come". I still believe this ... if I didn't I can't imagine what there would be to look forward to. My time will come and someday I'll reflect on this moment and realize that I truly made it through the fire and rose from the ashes of my previous life.
Replies
Chrissy - I am sorry that you are suffering still, but wanted to let you know that WE ARE STILL HERE FOR YOU! I have had one new life since the divorce in 2007 and now am onto yet ANOTHER ONE! I have maintained a presence here over the years because of a promise I made to my Heavenly Father when I was in the throes of divorce -- that I would do whatever I could to HELP OTHERS who found themselves in the same, crappy situation as I did back in 2005.
Yes, you have had some big challenges the past 7 years but I also hear HOPE in your journal -- that, indeed, the BEST is yet to come! Hold onto your hope and your faith -- that\' what will get you through.
Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
kathi
Hi Kathi .... so nice to see a familiar face. :) I remember how much encouragement you gave me and many others back in the beginning of my divorce. You had everything I hoped to have again someday. I\'m not sure what you mean by \"another one\" but I pray it\'s a happy one. It\'s people like you who have committed to helping others that makes it easier. I was hoping to be one of those supporters too but not yet ... maybe someday though. And yes, I still hang onto the hope that God has a good plan for me. ((HUGS))