I've come through bigger things than this

Good morning journal,the time is 7:50am,I am fully awake,and I feel  a little stronger physically.My back still feels like red hot coals and my muscles are cramped and painful;but my will and resolve are strong and positive.I slept until late afternoon yesterday after becoming ill at my desk,as always,my astonishing wife tended to me like a modern day Florence Nightingale,sitting by my side till I fell asleep,holding my hand and running her fingers through my hair.When I finally awakened,she had a bowl of her home made beef stew ready for me,I managed to eat all but a very small amount,and for the rest of the evening,she kept watch on me like a mother hen;I am so very fortunate among men that this beautiful lady is mine to love.I think it was right then that I decided that I was up for the fight ahead.I went through in my mind various events and setbacks in my life,my wonderful baby girl who passed away twenty six years ago tomorrow,the accident that left me blind in one eye and deaf for thirty eight years,my struggle with alcoholism,and an event that happened in prison when I was a much younger man that I still have nightmares about today.It was then that I thought about me,about the kind of man I am,the kind of man I've always been;I've always been stubborn,determined and do not suffer fools gladly,always said what I thought,admittedly sometimes ill advisedly,and although I may have lost a few battles in my lifetime,I have never lost a war.This morning, physically I am a little weak still,but my mind is clearer and sharper than it has been for a long time,and one thought keeps repeating itself;I've come through bigger things than this and come out the other side,if this thing,this illness,whatever it may be,wants to beat me,then it will have to kill me,otherwise,I will win.I am never better than when my back is against the wall,I am still that same man,I would be lying if I said I am not afraid because I have no idea about psychotic depression or bipolar,but I have someone in my corner who does,my wife and the Good Lord above. My wife is armed with a ton of research that she has gathered from the internet,and the faith we both have,despite all of our current problems,in a loving Creator who holds us in His care.My therapist John is a young man,but a very well informed and professional mental health nurse as well as a cognitive behavioral expert,he knows what he is doing,and my doctor is also an excellent practitioner,with all of these behind me,and my own stubborn doggedness,failure is not an option.I looked in the bathroom mirror when I got out of bed,there is a light in my eyes that has been missing for a long time,I have always had vivid green eyes,but they have been very dull since I became ill,this morning they are burning fiercely,I am ready for whatever is ahead of me.John and I also spoke about senile dementia regarding my mental gaps when I am awake,there is a history in my family,my own mother succumbed to it,and that is a possibility we will look at once I am stable,hopefully through this new drug in time,I have already told him that if I do turn out to have dementia,I will not be robbed of my mind,I will not allow that to happen;and we both knew what I meant.Sitting here right now,I feel like the old me,I can feel my heart strongly,beating and determined,and adrenalin is pumping through my veins,for after everything that's happened in my life,I am still here,and my message to whatever the hell this illness or illnesses are is this;I will fight you,no matter how strong you are,I will be stronger,no matter how hard you hit,I will hit harder.My family need me and I need them,BRING IT ON!.