I tried. I'm still trying...

   Finals are coming up, like, soon. Really soon. My 1st period final is on Friday, which is drama. All I have to do is memorize a monolouge, which I've pretty much done already and I'm good. I am completely petrefied of my math final... If I don't pass the class I can't graduate. It makes my stomach sick just thinking about it. I would do anything to go back three years, grab 14 year old me by the shoulders and just tell her to try. Now I'm paying for it, big time. I am SOO stressed out...
   Today when I went to school I looked different. I my eyelids were black, my lips were painted and I hardly matched, but in a good way. I tried so hard to not care. To ignore everyone. To be a bitch. I really did try... But I just couldn't fucking do it. When I travel after graduation I'm going to be completely different, lie to everyone. Black eyes and red lips, always. Say 'fuck off' to sweet strangers and smoke with the backwards crowd. That's what I need, it's what I'm craving. Something strange. But I know I can't stay that way. I'll die for sure.