I thought best friends meant "Friends Forever"..
For a couple years now I have become close friends with a girl named Anna. We met at a bar in my neighborhood; she is the cousin of one of my old coworker/friend Richie. When we met we immediately clicked. Afterwards I would see her at Richie's and eventually exchanged numbers. I started inviting her to all the bars I would go to and before I knew it we became what seemed like best friends. We did almost everything together. Drank, went shopping, had dinner, etc. It felt nice to have a good female friend since my best friend moved away and my other best friend and I basically ended terribly. I found friendship in a coworker who eventually set me up to get fired so she can replace me with her sister. It was hard trusting females but Anna was different. We truly had fun together. We were basically two peas in a pod and everyone knew it. We would call each other cousins at the bar and everyone knew we were a packaged deal. I had finally found a best friend who was here not far away.
Or at least I thought we were...
I was on unemployment for a while after getting fired and eventually that unemployment ended. I was left with absolutely no money or support from family. My friends were supportive though, Anna being the biggest one. I never liked them paying for me and would find a way to pay them back. Eventually it became Anna, Richie and I hanging out constantly. I enjoyed it. I was going through a lot in life and they and they made me feel better. We would grab a bunch of beer and sit around Richie's table and vent. I felt a part of something. They were my friends, but they were more like family to me.
Everything was great up until about a year ago..
Suddenly Anna became distant. I decided to quit smoking so I decided to take a break from bars/drinking. When I felt ready enough to be around people I started hanging out again. My friends acted weird around me, as if what I was doing was temporary. As if I would start smoking again. We were all drinkers/smokers so to have one stop was like...weird. I promised them I was done with smoking so they tried their best to not bother me with it. It was strange in the beginning but eventually things got back to normal. We started hanging out and drinking minus me smoking. Richie and I had some problems for a while because of his personality when he was drunk but I let them go and forgave him. During that time for some reason Anna would become distant. I guess she felt like she had to choose sides (which is ridiculous). She chose to side with Richie. I ignored it and let time pass. Eventually I let everything go and before I knew it all was well in my world.
In the last couple of months things have truly changed. Richie ended up in the hospital and decided to quit drinking liquor as I did years ago. He stuck to wine and beer which was great because he wouldn't get too drunk and would remain the great person I knew he was sober. Anna and I stopped hanging out as much and eventually I called her out on it. She promised me that nothing was wrong and she had just been truly busy. I knew she would go out and hang out with other people but it didn't bother me because we did have other friends. Eventually we started hanging out more and I felt like I finally got my friend back. Of course that didn't last..
We spent a lot of time going to a karaoke bar. There is a group of regulars there that for unknown reasons didn't like us. It made me upset because I am a very friendly person and never give anyone a reason to dislike me. Yet, every time I would go up there to sing these people would purposely sing over me or talk really loud and laugh my way, and afterwards refuse to clap. They were mean, and I never understood why. Anna said they were jealous because I was pretty and had a great singing voice, but I didn't believe her. I just went about my night and ignored them.
Eventually Anna became extremely distant. I almost never heard from her and when I heard OF her Richie would tell me they went out, or she came over, or he went by her. I was never invited. He didn't understand why she never invited me although he would ask if I was coming. She would pretend that she was texting me to shut him up. It hurt my feelings so much. Any time I approached her about it the excuses came and she tried to turn it on me blaming me for assuming everyone hates me. She said I never let anyone in and blame everyone or things they don't do. But.... I was right this time... She didn't want me around. Why couldn't she just admit it.
Any time we fought she made it a point to invite me out and feel welcome. I almost every time forgot that we fought and moved passed it. Everything would be okay for a while then it would go back to her ignoring me. It drove me CRAZY. I decided I would do the same and leave her out of my plans. Two could play this game!
Richie decided that he wanted to go to Seaside in NJ and wanted me to come. I was pretty broke but he reassured me that he would pay for everything. After a lot of beer and convincing I agreed. He said we would drive up there with Anna and her older sister. They promised me that money was not an issue. I got some money together just in case and we went up there. We ended up staying in a really dirty/shitty motel room but it was right off the boardwalk so it was worth it. We stocked the fridge with beer and started our trip. I started noticing that Anna and her sister focused their attention on Richie and not me. I felt like the fourth wheel if that is even possible. They liked to drink during the day on vacation which is not something I was used to. I take glucose medication two times a day so if I am going to drink I have to skip it. I make sure i take the morning pill and skip the night for drinking. They knew this, but didn't care. I ignored it because it was their vacation too.
I started becoming a little depressed and left out and Anna saw so she called me out on it. I asked her if she wanted to walk the boardwalk with me and she agreed. We talked about my feelings and almost immediately we passed by a really loud bar with a live band. Our eyes lit up and we ran inside to get a drink. FINALLY I was starting to have fun. We drank and talked and sang songs and it almost felt like we were home at the local bar. Afterwards we got pizza and ended up meeting some guys who were staying at our hotel. I finally felt like my vacation was getting good.
That didn't last long..
After that night Richie, Karen (Anna's sister), and Anna got up early in the morning and went to the beach without bothering to wake me up to invite me. They had been doing little things like that during the trip but I ignored them. They were little things like shopping, picking up food, etc. But, the beach??? Why wouldn't they invite me?? After the beach they came home right as I was waking up. They all cracked open beers to tell me how they were going back out to shop. I stood back and two minutes later Anna came back to ask me if I was going out with them. I told her that I needed to get ready but I would meet her there. I told her to text me when they get to the bar and I should be ready to meet them.
I truly tried to liven up my mood. I showered and got ready to meet them. I never received a text from her so I decided to just walk the boardwalk and I was sure to find them. As I walked I thought about the trip and how many emotions were going through my head. I really did feel like I wasn't wanted on that trip besides Richie. Richie and I have different party ways. He likes to party during the day and I like the night so we have that understanding. We usually have a couple drinks before he passes out and I continue my party elsewhere. But, Anna. Anna and I were each other's partner in crime and she acted as if she didn't want me around except for that ONE night she saw I was sad. While walking the boardwalk I happened to pass by a bar with a song I liked. It was "Wonderwall" by the band Oasis. I said wow... that's the bar I want to be at. I thought I would contact them and have them meet me there. I assumed they were still shopping and didn't get to a bar yet.
Suddenly, I heard familiar (loud) voices outside the bar on the side where the private tables are. I turned my head and saw Anna, Karen, and Richie drunk, chugging their beers, and toasting to life. I stopped in my tracks and stared at them. They laughed and smiled and sang. I can't explain in words how my heart felt. I felt like a ghost. I was right in their general direction and they didn't see me. They must have been there for a while because I saw a bunch of empty cups. I couldn't understand why Anna didn't text me like she said she would. I felt an extreme feelings of sadness and started walking away. I kept walking and walking and walking and before I knew it I was on the end of the boardwalk by the rides. I decided to get fried pickles, a soda, and sat on a bench by the beach.
I held my tears in although they begged me to release them...
I felt so unwanted. Why didn't she call me? Why didn't she do what she said she would? I thought when people are drunk they want their friends around even more? Why would they sit there and drink and party and not think of me? I told her I would be ready quickly. Why wouldn't she contact me? I sat there and looked at the ocean which was empty, just like the way I felt in that moment. Empty and alone. Completely alone. I decided to call my best friend Desiree in PA and told her about everything that was going on. She was really upset and angry over the situation. I asked her honestly if I was overreacting and she promised me that she would feel the same way. I told her that I was going to sit there and wait and see if she would contact me. She never did. So, I got off the phone and asked her where they were. She said they were bar hopping and were at a place close to the motel. I told her I was by the rides and would be there soon. As I got to the bar I realized it was the same bar I passed by about 2 hours ago. Some bar hop?
They were sitting in exactly the same spot they were when I saw them earlier. As I arrived they were drunk. Wasted. Belligerent. Richie was the only one who was overly excited to see me and asked what took me so long. He decided to get up and use the bathroom. I felt very out of place. Karen and Anna kept bothering me about getting a drink and I said I didn't want to. There was an older guy playing an acoustic guitar and I felt so sad knowing that THIS was the kind of bar I had been waiting to go to this entire trip and here they were excluding me from it all day. Karen and Anna took their cups and toasted to each other as I heard Karen say "I am so happy we did this together you Richie and I." I looked away understanding how unwanted I was. The man on the guitar starting playing another familiar song this one a favorite of mine, "Wild Horses" from The Rolling Stones. As the words started to hit me I felt those same tears come back and this time I wasn't sure if I could hold them. At the same time Richie comes back to sit down. As the chorus arrives Richie asks me what was wrong. I covered my mouth with my hand and shook my head. He asked me again and within seconds I broke down. Tears started pouring from my eyes as I got up to run away from the table. My breakdown had started.
Before I knew it I was on the boardwalk passing by crowds of people sobbing. Before I continue let me just say that it takes a LOT for me to cry sober. I hold a lot in and rarely do I ever burst out into severe sobs. I heard someone calling my name; it was Richie. He ran after me and asked me if something happened. He looked so concerned. I just told him I was really sad and wanted to go back to the room. He looked upset and asked him if he wanted me to go too. I said I wanted to be alone and spent the whole way back to room crying. I was a wreck.
When I got back to the room I called my dad and told him what was going on. He was angry but told me to just lay down, relax, and wait until the trip was over. I promised I would never go on vacation with them ever again. When they came back Richie asked me if I wanted to talk. I said not yet. Anna and Karen fake cared and asked me if I want to talk but I ignored them. Anna was the only one who really didn't make an effort to talk to me. She laughed more. She made it a point to express how happy she was as I hid under my covers hiding my tears.
Eventually the trip ended and when I got home I kept my distance.
She tried to contact me but I had nothing to. This went on for a while until she bothered me to talk to her. We argued and she tried to convince me that I was overreacting and that she was concerned about me. She gave me my space because it was apparent I didn't want to talk. She would never understand why I was upset so I dropped it and continued to keep my distance. Eventually one night I got drunk with a friend and she showed up and I was over everything. Anna and I hung out and pretended like nothing happened.
After a while we would hang out here and there. Eventually everything went back to how it usually does; her not calling me. I started getting all these phone calls from Richie wondering why I didn't show up or if I was going to Anna's or out to the bar. I told him that I was apparently not invited and ignored it. I told him about all the times I called her to hang out and she wouldn't answer till the next day or two days later. He would tell me about her doing the same thing to him. We realized that when she calls him she won't call me and when she calls me she won't call him. It was insanity and uncalled for. We used to do everything together. Why the separation now?
I went on Facebook one night and saw all the new pictures she was tagged in. Apparently she befriended the group who didn't like us from the karaoke bar. She is in a shitload of pictures in different clothes which means she has been hanging out with them for a long time now behind my back. I was furious. Eventually I called her out on it and we argued. She did her usual and switched the blame on me saying I don't know how to let anyone in. She claims that they like me but I won't give them a chance. Wait, WHAT?! YOU ignore ME and go behind my back to hang out with people you claim you don't like/who don't like us and IM the one who is wrong? But this is her thing... She gets caught in something wrong and she turns it around on you. NOPE! Not happening... NOT THIS TIME!
I decided that enough was enough. She was NOT my friend. I stopped talking to her. I started ignoring her texts although she blows up my phone if she doesn't get an answer. I decided one night to go hang out with Richie and have a couple drinks. We started talking about why we don't like her new found ways and why she never wants us all together. That was when he told me about Seaside and what she said about me. Apparently she called me a "miserable bitch" that day before I showed up to the bar. Me? Miserable bitch? Seriously?! He called me again to tell me that she invited him over and has been asking him to hang out but he has been ignoring her. He is angry but says there is nothing he can do. Richie unfortunately lets everyone get away with murder because he rather have friends then none at all..
THAT IS NOT ME!
After our phone call I decided enough was enough. She WILL hear what I have to say. So, I texted her and told her that we need to talk. I knew Richie was at her house so she ignored me. I then informed her that I know about her games and I am done with them. I told her that I don't understand why she claims she is my friend yet purposely doesn't invite me over and ignores my messages. She is fake and I know this now. She of course ignored my messages and that is fine with me. As long as she KNOWS that I know of her shit games that is all that matters.
I am done giving people a bunch of chances to be a better friend to me. It shouldn't be hard to be a good friend to someone. I know my worth now and I deserve better than what I have. She can ignore my text messages all she wants. I know eventually she will find out that I am at Richie's and will show up to "confront me" about all these messages and I will simply tell her that our "friendship" is over. She will cry and get overdramatic and I will just finish my drink and walk away. I do NOT need people like that in my life who only want me around when it's convenient for them. I am NOT a game and I refuse to be played like one.
I am moving on now. I rather have no friends than be in a crowded room and feel alone.
No one deserves that.
I understand this now.
My eyes are finally open.
I am walking away now.
I am moving on.
Rant over.
=)
Or at least I thought we were...
I was on unemployment for a while after getting fired and eventually that unemployment ended. I was left with absolutely no money or support from family. My friends were supportive though, Anna being the biggest one. I never liked them paying for me and would find a way to pay them back. Eventually it became Anna, Richie and I hanging out constantly. I enjoyed it. I was going through a lot in life and they and they made me feel better. We would grab a bunch of beer and sit around Richie's table and vent. I felt a part of something. They were my friends, but they were more like family to me.
Everything was great up until about a year ago..
Suddenly Anna became distant. I decided to quit smoking so I decided to take a break from bars/drinking. When I felt ready enough to be around people I started hanging out again. My friends acted weird around me, as if what I was doing was temporary. As if I would start smoking again. We were all drinkers/smokers so to have one stop was like...weird. I promised them I was done with smoking so they tried their best to not bother me with it. It was strange in the beginning but eventually things got back to normal. We started hanging out and drinking minus me smoking. Richie and I had some problems for a while because of his personality when he was drunk but I let them go and forgave him. During that time for some reason Anna would become distant. I guess she felt like she had to choose sides (which is ridiculous). She chose to side with Richie. I ignored it and let time pass. Eventually I let everything go and before I knew it all was well in my world.
In the last couple of months things have truly changed. Richie ended up in the hospital and decided to quit drinking liquor as I did years ago. He stuck to wine and beer which was great because he wouldn't get too drunk and would remain the great person I knew he was sober. Anna and I stopped hanging out as much and eventually I called her out on it. She promised me that nothing was wrong and she had just been truly busy. I knew she would go out and hang out with other people but it didn't bother me because we did have other friends. Eventually we started hanging out more and I felt like I finally got my friend back. Of course that didn't last..
We spent a lot of time going to a karaoke bar. There is a group of regulars there that for unknown reasons didn't like us. It made me upset because I am a very friendly person and never give anyone a reason to dislike me. Yet, every time I would go up there to sing these people would purposely sing over me or talk really loud and laugh my way, and afterwards refuse to clap. They were mean, and I never understood why. Anna said they were jealous because I was pretty and had a great singing voice, but I didn't believe her. I just went about my night and ignored them.
Eventually Anna became extremely distant. I almost never heard from her and when I heard OF her Richie would tell me they went out, or she came over, or he went by her. I was never invited. He didn't understand why she never invited me although he would ask if I was coming. She would pretend that she was texting me to shut him up. It hurt my feelings so much. Any time I approached her about it the excuses came and she tried to turn it on me blaming me for assuming everyone hates me. She said I never let anyone in and blame everyone or things they don't do. But.... I was right this time... She didn't want me around. Why couldn't she just admit it.
Any time we fought she made it a point to invite me out and feel welcome. I almost every time forgot that we fought and moved passed it. Everything would be okay for a while then it would go back to her ignoring me. It drove me CRAZY. I decided I would do the same and leave her out of my plans. Two could play this game!
Richie decided that he wanted to go to Seaside in NJ and wanted me to come. I was pretty broke but he reassured me that he would pay for everything. After a lot of beer and convincing I agreed. He said we would drive up there with Anna and her older sister. They promised me that money was not an issue. I got some money together just in case and we went up there. We ended up staying in a really dirty/shitty motel room but it was right off the boardwalk so it was worth it. We stocked the fridge with beer and started our trip. I started noticing that Anna and her sister focused their attention on Richie and not me. I felt like the fourth wheel if that is even possible. They liked to drink during the day on vacation which is not something I was used to. I take glucose medication two times a day so if I am going to drink I have to skip it. I make sure i take the morning pill and skip the night for drinking. They knew this, but didn't care. I ignored it because it was their vacation too.
I started becoming a little depressed and left out and Anna saw so she called me out on it. I asked her if she wanted to walk the boardwalk with me and she agreed. We talked about my feelings and almost immediately we passed by a really loud bar with a live band. Our eyes lit up and we ran inside to get a drink. FINALLY I was starting to have fun. We drank and talked and sang songs and it almost felt like we were home at the local bar. Afterwards we got pizza and ended up meeting some guys who were staying at our hotel. I finally felt like my vacation was getting good.
That didn't last long..
After that night Richie, Karen (Anna's sister), and Anna got up early in the morning and went to the beach without bothering to wake me up to invite me. They had been doing little things like that during the trip but I ignored them. They were little things like shopping, picking up food, etc. But, the beach??? Why wouldn't they invite me?? After the beach they came home right as I was waking up. They all cracked open beers to tell me how they were going back out to shop. I stood back and two minutes later Anna came back to ask me if I was going out with them. I told her that I needed to get ready but I would meet her there. I told her to text me when they get to the bar and I should be ready to meet them.
I truly tried to liven up my mood. I showered and got ready to meet them. I never received a text from her so I decided to just walk the boardwalk and I was sure to find them. As I walked I thought about the trip and how many emotions were going through my head. I really did feel like I wasn't wanted on that trip besides Richie. Richie and I have different party ways. He likes to party during the day and I like the night so we have that understanding. We usually have a couple drinks before he passes out and I continue my party elsewhere. But, Anna. Anna and I were each other's partner in crime and she acted as if she didn't want me around except for that ONE night she saw I was sad. While walking the boardwalk I happened to pass by a bar with a song I liked. It was "Wonderwall" by the band Oasis. I said wow... that's the bar I want to be at. I thought I would contact them and have them meet me there. I assumed they were still shopping and didn't get to a bar yet.
Suddenly, I heard familiar (loud) voices outside the bar on the side where the private tables are. I turned my head and saw Anna, Karen, and Richie drunk, chugging their beers, and toasting to life. I stopped in my tracks and stared at them. They laughed and smiled and sang. I can't explain in words how my heart felt. I felt like a ghost. I was right in their general direction and they didn't see me. They must have been there for a while because I saw a bunch of empty cups. I couldn't understand why Anna didn't text me like she said she would. I felt an extreme feelings of sadness and started walking away. I kept walking and walking and walking and before I knew it I was on the end of the boardwalk by the rides. I decided to get fried pickles, a soda, and sat on a bench by the beach.
I held my tears in although they begged me to release them...
I felt so unwanted. Why didn't she call me? Why didn't she do what she said she would? I thought when people are drunk they want their friends around even more? Why would they sit there and drink and party and not think of me? I told her I would be ready quickly. Why wouldn't she contact me? I sat there and looked at the ocean which was empty, just like the way I felt in that moment. Empty and alone. Completely alone. I decided to call my best friend Desiree in PA and told her about everything that was going on. She was really upset and angry over the situation. I asked her honestly if I was overreacting and she promised me that she would feel the same way. I told her that I was going to sit there and wait and see if she would contact me. She never did. So, I got off the phone and asked her where they were. She said they were bar hopping and were at a place close to the motel. I told her I was by the rides and would be there soon. As I got to the bar I realized it was the same bar I passed by about 2 hours ago. Some bar hop?
They were sitting in exactly the same spot they were when I saw them earlier. As I arrived they were drunk. Wasted. Belligerent. Richie was the only one who was overly excited to see me and asked what took me so long. He decided to get up and use the bathroom. I felt very out of place. Karen and Anna kept bothering me about getting a drink and I said I didn't want to. There was an older guy playing an acoustic guitar and I felt so sad knowing that THIS was the kind of bar I had been waiting to go to this entire trip and here they were excluding me from it all day. Karen and Anna took their cups and toasted to each other as I heard Karen say "I am so happy we did this together you Richie and I." I looked away understanding how unwanted I was. The man on the guitar starting playing another familiar song this one a favorite of mine, "Wild Horses" from The Rolling Stones. As the words started to hit me I felt those same tears come back and this time I wasn't sure if I could hold them. At the same time Richie comes back to sit down. As the chorus arrives Richie asks me what was wrong. I covered my mouth with my hand and shook my head. He asked me again and within seconds I broke down. Tears started pouring from my eyes as I got up to run away from the table. My breakdown had started.
Before I knew it I was on the boardwalk passing by crowds of people sobbing. Before I continue let me just say that it takes a LOT for me to cry sober. I hold a lot in and rarely do I ever burst out into severe sobs. I heard someone calling my name; it was Richie. He ran after me and asked me if something happened. He looked so concerned. I just told him I was really sad and wanted to go back to the room. He looked upset and asked him if he wanted me to go too. I said I wanted to be alone and spent the whole way back to room crying. I was a wreck.
When I got back to the room I called my dad and told him what was going on. He was angry but told me to just lay down, relax, and wait until the trip was over. I promised I would never go on vacation with them ever again. When they came back Richie asked me if I wanted to talk. I said not yet. Anna and Karen fake cared and asked me if I want to talk but I ignored them. Anna was the only one who really didn't make an effort to talk to me. She laughed more. She made it a point to express how happy she was as I hid under my covers hiding my tears.
Eventually the trip ended and when I got home I kept my distance.
She tried to contact me but I had nothing to. This went on for a while until she bothered me to talk to her. We argued and she tried to convince me that I was overreacting and that she was concerned about me. She gave me my space because it was apparent I didn't want to talk. She would never understand why I was upset so I dropped it and continued to keep my distance. Eventually one night I got drunk with a friend and she showed up and I was over everything. Anna and I hung out and pretended like nothing happened.
After a while we would hang out here and there. Eventually everything went back to how it usually does; her not calling me. I started getting all these phone calls from Richie wondering why I didn't show up or if I was going to Anna's or out to the bar. I told him that I was apparently not invited and ignored it. I told him about all the times I called her to hang out and she wouldn't answer till the next day or two days later. He would tell me about her doing the same thing to him. We realized that when she calls him she won't call me and when she calls me she won't call him. It was insanity and uncalled for. We used to do everything together. Why the separation now?
I went on Facebook one night and saw all the new pictures she was tagged in. Apparently she befriended the group who didn't like us from the karaoke bar. She is in a shitload of pictures in different clothes which means she has been hanging out with them for a long time now behind my back. I was furious. Eventually I called her out on it and we argued. She did her usual and switched the blame on me saying I don't know how to let anyone in. She claims that they like me but I won't give them a chance. Wait, WHAT?! YOU ignore ME and go behind my back to hang out with people you claim you don't like/who don't like us and IM the one who is wrong? But this is her thing... She gets caught in something wrong and she turns it around on you. NOPE! Not happening... NOT THIS TIME!
I decided that enough was enough. She was NOT my friend. I stopped talking to her. I started ignoring her texts although she blows up my phone if she doesn't get an answer. I decided one night to go hang out with Richie and have a couple drinks. We started talking about why we don't like her new found ways and why she never wants us all together. That was when he told me about Seaside and what she said about me. Apparently she called me a "miserable bitch" that day before I showed up to the bar. Me? Miserable bitch? Seriously?! He called me again to tell me that she invited him over and has been asking him to hang out but he has been ignoring her. He is angry but says there is nothing he can do. Richie unfortunately lets everyone get away with murder because he rather have friends then none at all..
THAT IS NOT ME!
After our phone call I decided enough was enough. She WILL hear what I have to say. So, I texted her and told her that we need to talk. I knew Richie was at her house so she ignored me. I then informed her that I know about her games and I am done with them. I told her that I don't understand why she claims she is my friend yet purposely doesn't invite me over and ignores my messages. She is fake and I know this now. She of course ignored my messages and that is fine with me. As long as she KNOWS that I know of her shit games that is all that matters.
I am done giving people a bunch of chances to be a better friend to me. It shouldn't be hard to be a good friend to someone. I know my worth now and I deserve better than what I have. She can ignore my text messages all she wants. I know eventually she will find out that I am at Richie's and will show up to "confront me" about all these messages and I will simply tell her that our "friendship" is over. She will cry and get overdramatic and I will just finish my drink and walk away. I do NOT need people like that in my life who only want me around when it's convenient for them. I am NOT a game and I refuse to be played like one.
I am moving on now. I rather have no friends than be in a crowded room and feel alone.
No one deserves that.
I understand this now.
My eyes are finally open.
I am walking away now.
I am moving on.
Rant over.
=)
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