I Thought a Change Was Coming, But .....

As I stated in my first Journal, it has been over two years of a sexless marriage.

Back in early November on a Sunday night, my wife and I got into an argument. What it was about doesn’t matter. But the last two things she said to me were, “I don’t care about you” and “you’re going to die a grumpy old man”. I just looked at her and said nothing. I was stunned.

The next day while she was at work, I decided I should start thinking about my own sanity and move out. I decided that during the holidays I would look for a job and an apartment and move out along with telling her that I was going to take 30% of my monthly pension so I would be able to live. That would still leave plenty for her along with her wages. When she got home from work, she asked me how my day was, which shocked me. I told her it was nothing special and that the furnace guy said our furnace was okay and ready for winter. She sat down with a strange expression on her face and said, “to be honest with you I figured you would have packed up and left. I didn’t expect to see you home.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her my plan. I said, “well, you did say you didn’t care about me”. She apologized and said she really didn’t mean it. I looked at her and said, “really?” She look sad and said she was just upset with work and that the upcoming holidays were stressing her out because of all she had to do. I looked at her and started to say something and stopped. She said, “what”? I told her I didn’t want to start another argument. She told me to say what I had to say and it wan’t going to start another argument. I said, “you told me I was going to die a grumpy old man and I want you to know it will be because of you! No I love you’s, no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no goodbye or goodnight kisses, no cuddling, no intimacy, no nothing! How do you think that makes me feel? I feel unloved!!” She looked at me and said, “I miss it too!” I looked at her in shock and asked her what the problem was. She said she didn’t think it was fair to start anything with my inability to perform after my prostate cancer. I told her I didn’t care about that because I miss the closeness, the caressing, etc. She said she would try harder. The next three nights before she went up to bed she gave me a nice kiss and said goodnight. But that was it. Nothing since. I thought things were going to get better.

In early December we somehow got on the subject of sex. In our conversation, I found she thought I couldn’t have an orgasm. I told her orgasm ‘yes’, ejaculate ‘no’. She said that changed everything. I thought I’d be going to my urologist to get the meds for injection. Well, she had 2 1/2 weeks off for Christmas and nothing happened. I know being tired from all the activity will happen, but there were days we did nothing. Now it’s mid January and still nothing. Since she get’s up early for work, my only hope is weekends. I feel more empty now than before. I guess nothing will ever happen. I may be 70, she’s 63, but I still have desires. She still says we’re on opposite ends of the spectrum, but I wish she’d see it my way once in a while. What really bugs me is how jealous she gets if a woman looks at me or I talk to one. Why? She doesn’t seem interested in me and it hurts!

I don’t want to have an affair, but the thought of finding a lady just to talk to has crossed my mind. That’s probably wrong too and should forget about it. If I knew things would be this way, I probably would have become MGTOW! Look it up if you don’t know what it means. Not being nasty. It takes awhile to explain the philosophy.