I think im becoming an Addict.

Ive told myself since i was a child, that I would NEVER become an addict or a drunk, because I've seen what it does to families. How it tears them apart, But my family is already torn apart. My dad is dead. Never really had the chance to even get to know him. My step father wants nothing to do with me. My mom.... She moved to a new state, with my sister, we barely ever talk... She stole 2 grand from my bank account....

I stole some pills a few weeks ago. Hydrocodone. i did research on how much it would take for me to overdose and actually die... I made it half way before i broke down. My moms real dad died of an overdose. I couldnt do that to my Mother... I had 10 or so left. i took two. and then the next day i took another one. and the next day. i told myself it was to help me sleep... even though those are for pain not sleep. tonight i took three. (30 mg) and realized why i was taking them. because of how they made me feel...

I felt Numb.

Which is what ive been wanting to feel for along time. I feel too much. Im an empath, and overly emotional. Im sitting here in my bed in the dark unable to sleep. Typing this journal entry. while thinking about the one im going to type up right after this one. Thinking about how i can stop or get help with out losing my SSI income. 

Im looking for jobs. but its hard to get a job with no reliable transportation and no diploma. If i go to rehab my insurance is through SSI meaning they will see im in there for Drugs... not depression and ill lose my income. the only reason im not homeless right now..

Im all alone. i have NOTHING keeping me here. I have nothing left in this small town. but i cant afford to just leave and follow my dreams. not until i get my diploma. not until i save up. not until i get my license... so i can live on the open road.

I have an addictive personality... And i can see my life going down the drain but im unable to do anything about it. other than take the rest of these pills so i dont have access to anymore... 

I feel so bad for what i have put my mother through

I feel terrible that i was born to her... that i was born at all

She had to raise a child on her own with mental illness's...

Im a burden on her

She may say otherwise but that is how i feel..

She never wanted me 

She doesnt need me 

She doesnt care. 

Im useless. A waste of space, of air, of life... 

Pathetic.