I Think I Married A Narcissist

For the last four years since we've been married, my husband and I have been off and on again. Mostly because I get fed up with the disrespect and I take off. This time I thought it would be different. I was finally out. I got my own place; I was living alone. I had my own space to breathe for a while. Him and I talked on a bi-weekly basis. Mainly because we share bills. But even though it got lonely, I could actually breathe. I didn't feel like someone was stepping on my throat. I got to wake up in the morning, and get dressed without being asked what the scale said or if I was going to start a diet plan. I was able to go out and order a bowl of pasta without it being suggested that I just get the salad. (I had gained 20 pounds since I met him 6 years ago) No more "I can't have sex with you because you're not attractive to me anymore." "How dare you expect me to pay for you, you should be paying for me." "I don't want to hear about your day because it's probably annoying." "Fuck off and Leave me to play my video games." It was just me and the sound of silence. Don't get me wrong there were days when we would laugh and go out and enjoy each other. It just never was able to last more than a day. Then I started losing hours at work, bills became more than I could handle, and I had no choice but to leave my apartment and go back to the very house I had just escaped from. He welcomed me with open arms. So excited to get his wife back in his arms. For a day. It was only 48 hours into my re-arrival at this 1970's home that the abuse began again. "Wow, I would have figured with all that time away you would have lost a lot of weight." "How could you be so financially irresponsible." "You probably got fired." Now, being away from him had taught me some things. It taught me how to find more love in myself than before. It taught me how to block out some of his reoccurring comments. And it taught me that I wasn't trapped behind a bolted door. It was there, ready to be opened if I needed it. For weeks, the abuse continued and the arguments didn't settle. I found myself spending more time at my parents house and not telling him where I was going. It was getting worse. He told me one night that he didn't understand how anyone could find me pretty, and that they may think I had a cute face but they can't see what's under my clothes. Which brings me to today. I woke up around 4:45am. I wanted to get into work early in case there was traffic after the madness of the solar eclipse yesterday. I hopped in the shower and when I jumped out, I gracefully woke my husband to get him up and going. I went into my bedroom (we sleep in separate rooms) and I got dressed for work, mind my own business while he showered. I proceeded to do my makeup at our dining room table. The lighting is better in there and I didn't want to disturb him in the bathroom. As I was finishing up my face, he walked into the kitchen with an angry look on his face. "Ugh! What are you doing? I wanted to sit there!" Looking at the other chairs at the table and back at him, I stared back at him confused at the childish statement that just came out of his mouth. "God did you just totally give up on dieting. You need to stick with it, keep going, because if you don't, there will be consequences." I stared at him more before saying "Do you ever just take a step back and listen to how you talk to me?" With that comment he walked out the door, and as he was passing the window outside I heard him say to himself, "Do you ever look in the mirror?" At this point I'm not even sure what to do. I'm not financially able to move out on my own and I'm drowning in his abuse. I was able to put up a shield for a while and now it's gotten so bad that I am sick to my stomach. As I sit here in my room, I hear him playing his game and making mocking jokes about my response to his mediocre comments. I don't want to give up on this marriage.. but I no longer can feel happiness in my life..