I think I'm in trouble...

Part of me hates being the whiney, crybaby, piss and moan kind of person that I have become as of late. But another part of me, deep down inside knows the that I'm in trouble. I'm not ok at all. Everyday is a struggle to be a decent parent to the boys. Every day I fight to not drink myself stupid. Every day I force myself to get up out of bed and go to work, when a day wasted under the covers crying sounds like the most appealing way to go. I know I am in a pretty deep depression, and I have no insurance to go to the doctor to get help. I don't qualify for free medical and I sure as hell can't afford Obama care. So I try every single fucking day to put a smile on my face and put on a good show for everybody around me. I feel dead inside. I have no happy place. I miss him, and I wonder if he misses me too. Am I hanging on to what should be let go? But then I remember that said he loves me and that we have to do what is right for the boys. Is it all gonna be ok like my friend Jen says? Or is the bottle going to win the fight tonight? Am I gonna become my fucked up father, a worthless alcoholic with no family left that gives a shit about him? I swear the only thing keeping me alive today is these kids. Most days I feel unloved by them too, just taken for granted and expected to bend over backwards and give and give without barely a polite thank you. And for what?? Fuck this...