I think I get what the journal is for!
It's for when you have stuff you want to ramble on about that isn't worthy of a thread. Some times you just need to ramble on to get your thoughts out.
Like...
How does a fairly intelligent person who knows a lot about psychology not see the disaster waiting to happen when it's staring her right in the face? When I met Joe it didn't make sense, but it felt right. It was like we had been together forever. There wasn't any adjustment period. I even forgot what life was like after being with him for a relatively short period of time. I always follow my head first and I don't believe in fate. I believe in relationships taking work. Nothing is perfect. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. So why did I buy into this whole theory of his that everything happens for a reason and it was fate? Because I couldn't explain it or was afraid to look at the truth of it?
The truth is I made a person who doesn't feel he's good enough for anything or anyone feel awesome. I made him feel like the most special person on the planet. Smart, funny, sexy, fun, responsible, moral... I remember him asking me often why I loved him or even if I loved him and when I replied by pouring my heart out to him he would say "sometimes I just need to know". Uh.. yo Marilyn. RED FLAG ALERT! When he told me about relationships he'd severed because the other person had made what he considered to be a fatal mistake, I told him that it made me nervous because I was worried I'd do something to upset him and he'd just walk away. But he assured me that our relationship was different because we talk through everything. And then he doesn't tell me when he has separation issues while in basic training?
I'm sorry, how do you be so in love with someone that you spend the whole day touching them and gazing lovingly into their eyes and then 2 months later you feel hurt by them and you don't say anything? You just stop feeling. How can you put so much into someone else so that if you're ever separated you don't know who you are? You can't survive without them? That's not healthy. How did I think that was healthy. I know that's not healthy!
Am I still doing it? I gave up my home and business and moved my kids and I into my Moms house so we could save a few bucks before moving to Maryland in February. And then he tells me it's over and I worry about how he's coping when my whole life is in a pile of rubble? Why did I get upset when He yelled at me for making him feel like he ruined my life? Why couldn't I say "well ya you kinda did. I could have been working with a house to live in if you would have said something in July!"
I wonder if I can teach the dog to slap me...
Like...
How does a fairly intelligent person who knows a lot about psychology not see the disaster waiting to happen when it's staring her right in the face? When I met Joe it didn't make sense, but it felt right. It was like we had been together forever. There wasn't any adjustment period. I even forgot what life was like after being with him for a relatively short period of time. I always follow my head first and I don't believe in fate. I believe in relationships taking work. Nothing is perfect. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. So why did I buy into this whole theory of his that everything happens for a reason and it was fate? Because I couldn't explain it or was afraid to look at the truth of it?
The truth is I made a person who doesn't feel he's good enough for anything or anyone feel awesome. I made him feel like the most special person on the planet. Smart, funny, sexy, fun, responsible, moral... I remember him asking me often why I loved him or even if I loved him and when I replied by pouring my heart out to him he would say "sometimes I just need to know". Uh.. yo Marilyn. RED FLAG ALERT! When he told me about relationships he'd severed because the other person had made what he considered to be a fatal mistake, I told him that it made me nervous because I was worried I'd do something to upset him and he'd just walk away. But he assured me that our relationship was different because we talk through everything. And then he doesn't tell me when he has separation issues while in basic training?
I'm sorry, how do you be so in love with someone that you spend the whole day touching them and gazing lovingly into their eyes and then 2 months later you feel hurt by them and you don't say anything? You just stop feeling. How can you put so much into someone else so that if you're ever separated you don't know who you are? You can't survive without them? That's not healthy. How did I think that was healthy. I know that's not healthy!
Am I still doing it? I gave up my home and business and moved my kids and I into my Moms house so we could save a few bucks before moving to Maryland in February. And then he tells me it's over and I worry about how he's coping when my whole life is in a pile of rubble? Why did I get upset when He yelled at me for making him feel like he ruined my life? Why couldn't I say "well ya you kinda did. I could have been working with a house to live in if you would have said something in July!"
I wonder if I can teach the dog to slap me...
Replies
Sometimes we believe what we want to.
I know I sure ignored a whole bucket load of red flags. A whole parade of waving red flags.
I\'m sorting the reasons out now. Some are easy, like loneliness and some are very difficult... the kind that take 6 months to iron out in therapy.
My advise is to not be hard on yourself for this. Recognize it.. yes, but don\'t beat yourself up over it.
Being \'too nice\' to someone else rarely hurts others, besides yourself. You\'ve got plenty of time to sort it out.
and Yes, you can teach a dog to slap you... but I wouldn\'t. What kind of dog?
A freaky one! She\'s part Akita and part Basset Hound. She\'s got the basset paws that are great for swimming so they may be good for slapping too. I had a boxer for 14 years that I put down last year. He\'d be great for this! lol
I\'m really not beating myself up over this. Just starting to get a good look at the past so I don\'t repeat my mistakes.
I am one that believes in jumping in with both feet, reasonably though, but it is most certainly not healthy, at all...
as much as you would like to, you can forsee the future. We make decisions based on what we have known and know at that time. Unfortunately, not everything, or everyone, we know is as straightforward and \"real\" as we are expecting them to be. I am sure it is tough being in your position now you have given up life as you knew it and are now having to plan another path, I am sorry you find yourself in this position.
Ps. Rocco slaps me all the time unintentionally., so he acts like it is. So, I am sure Nika can provide the same for you. :)
unny how you learn from mistakes only to make new mistakes the next time. I wonder if you ever stop making them. Or maybe you get lucky and find someone who isn\'t afraid of mistakes or sticking around while you fix them.
As for the dogs, my boxer actually did teach Nika some boxing skills. She is all paws when you play with here. Her paws are way too soft though. Maybe I am beating myself up over this. I think it\'s part of the whole process though. I\'m sure I\'ll quit when I\'ve had enough :)
Wow, your journal entry couldve been mine...minus the kids part. Lost work, moved and lost money? Check! I know exactly how you feel. It\'s tough when your emotions take over your intellect. I think we both need to make sure we follow our intellect over our emotions next time. It may sound weird, but it\'s the only way to live with the least amount of pain and suffering as possible. *hugs*
Aw, I know this is an old journal but I just read it. It\'s not your fault. I am no dummy either, my god. I\'m a very intelligent successful woman but damn it, when you have a heart of gold & you love someone you just feel for them, just give to them.. we become altruists\'s in a relationship & that is a recipe for disaster. I\'m sorry to say. We have to watch our next steps after we heal. If a man pushes our pity button, run! Don\'t hesitate. I need a man that can stand beside me, as Strong as I am, who Knows his self worth. You do too. Hold out for it.. after you heal that is. : )