I think I figered somthing out .....
I have always knowen that I have been full and over flowing all the time with love ....but i felt pain ..and I thought I just loved to much ...but I have been thinking .....love is a positive energy ..one of the most positive of energies ..and there can be no place for and negative energy in ..love ...it just can't live in love ..in the light of love .............somthing else i have ...that I have just ..not thought of clearly because it is is painfull ...it feels painfull ...because ..I feel the pain others are going through ...I am not saying to the extent ..others do ..but just that I feel that they are going through pain and I feel pain for them .......and ...when I thought more on that I relized that ..that is compashion .....I am full of compashion ..over flowing with compashion ..just like I am overflowing with love ....so that is ware the pain is comming from..for me ..in ...here ....the compashion .....I feel for others.....to much just like I just feel to deaply ...so I hurt more deeply ....and it sites on my chest ..in my heart ...on my back ..in my mind ...thinking back ...I have always been that way ...I was that way ...in school ....I always gravitated to those who were being picked on ..who were hurting ...those I let in ...I felt there pain ..through my compashion ...and ...I could not understand people ...who hurt others ...I just DIDENT get it .....I still don't ....but I understand more now as an adult ...that we can hurt ..others with out meaning to or with out knowing that that is what..we have done unless they tell us .....through misunderstanding ..there is a lot more to it ...it is a lot more complicated .........maby this is just me being depresed ..but some how I don't think so ......there has to be a balance ....with ...in my self your self .....balance the compashion with ..acceptance ...and being satisfied with doing what it is I can do ....for those i feel so much compashion .....I don't want to keep having to ...staway away ....but for now ..it is all that I can do ...for my self ....let my self heal ....and then come back .....I just want you all to know ...I dont ..stay away lightly ....I do it for survival .......I keep you all always in my prayers ....and wish you all the very best .......God bless ......
Replies
You need to do what is right for you my friend. You can never love to much.
You are a wonderful and caring person and that is a good thing.
We need wonderful people just like you here. But if it is difficult for you to be here we will surely miss you. You have so much to offer.
Have you ever thought about depression meds? Sorry to be so intrusive but maybe that could help.
Always here for you.
xoxo
thankyou ..I just got it in my head that if I wasent going on the DS bord that I wasent ..fulling my part ..in joining this group ....in helping to suport others ....I think I will give it a cupple of days ...and than just go into my friends ...and see how that goes .....I am on depreshion meds ..four diferant ones ...that is the most meds they can give me .....but I have always been depresed it runes in my dads family ....and ..for me right now this is as good as it is going to get .....but I want you to understand that I do have times especualy with my children and grandchildren ...when ..I am very happy ..just to be with them ...get my hugs ...look at the world through my grand children eyes ...so I am up and Dowen all the time ...and it is because this is as far to normal they can get me ...ware I am is ...like this ......to me depreshion is like drounding ....and right now ...I have my hand on this shirt Plano of wood that is helping me floot ..and I am up to my lips in the water ..and all ..I can see around me is watter ..and clifes ...and the water is very darn ....there is no couler .........so to much looking in the mirrior is the worst thing I can do ..even thought I get a lot of compliments ..that I realy don\'t look mt age ...they would never of gesed ..I was that old ....I have been told I am prity befor ...and most important my h thinks I am beautifull .....so ..I knoe that. feeling ugly when I look in the mirrior is mostly to do with depreshion ....and I rairly ware make up ...so I also don\'t realy know what it is realy like to live with out having som leavel of depreshion .....so I have to just realy think about I feel and look after my self .....and if I go on sd ..and ..I feel stress even a little than I need to learn to get off right away ...and I haven\'t been doing that ....because I want to do my part ...there are people in here who are realy in need ....I don\'t want to lett anyone dowen ..but I also forget things because of my meds ..that break up my thinking ....and I need that med to be sain ...it that or the nut house ......I have just brok one time to Maney .....so I have learned to put my self first in my home life and my h second ...these were doctors orders ...and I decided to try it ...I had to do somthing ..and it worked ....so I am just going to have to do that in here ....put my self first ....I know it sounds ...selfish ...but it is the only way I can survive ..and have a life at the same time ....I hope you can understand ....not that I donr care ..because I care very much to much for my owen good ...that is the problem ....take care ..thankyou for reading my post .....I am doing a little better today ....God bless you look after your self ....
Muskrattiger, You are a beautiful human being. You are so right self care must come first. I lost my job in social work, working with low income children because I wanted to save them all. I did everything possible to make an impression in their lives. In the mean time I engaged in self-starvation and didn\'t realize how deep I was in until I was hospitalized at 75 lbs. I thought I was doing so well for others, but honestly I looked sick, and I\'m sure they were concerned. I get on DS and some days I can\'t tolerate reading the hopelessness because I can relate at such a surreal level and it takes me down further. Other days I can read anything and offer hope and love and support, despite how much pain I\'m going through. I think you recognizing this is a great thing. Don\'t expect yourself to be perfect. You are human and do the best you can as we all do. I personally have been touched and comforted by your support. You are a loving, beautiful soul. Don\'t deny your beauty. But take care of you before you care for others. You are loved, you are enough and no one is judging your ability to show up on DS or not. We know you do when you can, and when you do you brighten spirits. Thanks for being you, but please love yourself as much as you love us. I feel like a hypocrite saying this, but I can so relate. I look in the mirror and see ugly, disappointment, failure, fat. I also, have always been someone who has reached out to the less fortunate, made friends with the outcasts, stood up for peoples rights and worth as individuals. I have always felt this is my purpose, to help people recognize their worth. And yet I\'ve realized this is always because I\'ve felt so insecure and worthless myself, I know how painful it is, and I want to ease others suffering so no one feels this deep agony. I hope you will realize your worth and take care of you before all others. I\'m always here if you ever want to talk. Take care! Hugs!
AWWW SIS U MUST MUST MUST ALWAYS COME 1ST!!!! DEPRESSIONS THE PITS,
SENDING U ALL MY LOVE N LOTS MORE ALWAYS WITH GENTLE CAREING HUGLES N CUDDLES URALWAYS IN MY THOUGHTS N PRAYERS DAILY SWEETIE ;D.
TAKE SOME MUCH NEEDED ME TIMEOUT TO HELP ENERGIZE YOUR HEART N SOUL! AS US HUMANS R MUCH LIKE CARS! WITHOUT THE FUEL IT JUST WONT FUNCTION WORK, SO HENCE YOU ME REALLY OUGHT 2 HAVE THAT MUCH NEEDED ME TIME IN WHATEVER WAY SUITS UR BODYAT THAT GIVEN TIME!,I BELIEVE THE KEY IS FOR US 2 LEARN 2 LOVE OURSELF TO! N DONT GIVE IT ALLAWAY ON OTHERS...
SO THIS IS JUST A REMINDER!!!!!! THAT I LOVE N CARE FOR U DEARLY SIS
FOREVER IN MY HEART N ALWAYS ON MY MIND! HUGGLES N CUDDLES GOD BLESS ;D XO DC
thank you both so much ..your kind words ...have ment so much to me ....eshaw ......we do have a lot in common ...growing up ..in befriending those who needed a friend those who were being picked on ...and I have like you always been looking after everyone eles ....untill I got to a citation i couldent fix ..and I brok ....I gess I just had to be reminded that in here I am understood ...and that ...it is ok for me to take a break ..and no one ...is upset about it ...because ..they understand that to ...you are a very good soul an good person to ....the first time I here you give some answers to some of the people I knew you were ..needed in here ...and you need to be here ..and I wanted to be your friend ....thank you for reading and taking the time to answer my jurnal ....your words ....don\'t deny your beauty ......take care of you befor others ..you are loved ...Thankyou for just being you ....and being my friend .................................................................................................................................D ....always so very good to here from you ...depression is the pits for sure ....I always tell others they must come first and look after them selves I gess I just needed a little reminder ......you are so right about the full ...when I need a break it is because I am compleatly dry ..no ful left ...I am empty and I schouldent let my self get so low befor I take a break ...because that is when the depreshion gets worse ..and I strt thinking ..that ..I am letting the people Dowen in here ....but even when I am here I can only do so much it takes time to read and answer ...people even friends ...and I can\'t sit all day in here ...but I love you ..and my friends ..and feel so much for those in here ...until li am just draged under water ...and have to swim for the surface again .....so that is why I rot you and told you you did not have to answer ..because I knew the pain you were going through ..and I did not want to add to it ..I wanted you to look after you first ...but I wanted you to know how important you were to me ...at the same time .....and it still stands .....thankyou for the reminder .....you are forever in my heart and my mind ...and in my prayers ....much love many hugs .................................................................................................................................thankyou both for taking the time to read and answer my jurnal thankyou for the reminders ...I gess I needed that ...take very good care of your selves ...I keep you both in my prayers .....God bless