I think I am going to go kill myself right now

for those of you who are new to my journal or who are reading this entry cuz of the tittle let me put your minds at easy relax Im just a big attention whore/drama queen.
yes I am going to try kill myself right now but no i most probably wont succeed iv done this before iv done this plenty of times before actually in fact iv done it so many times that nobody even takes me seriously anymore... LOL
not even i take myself seriously when I say im going to go kill myself cuz lets face it we all know im a big chicken shit also its not that easy to kill yourself some how :/
Iv tried this a bunch of times never really managed to kill myself I mean iv seen friends kill themselves but never quite was able to finish myself off though :S
I guess thats why im marking this entry as a "general update" rather than a call for help or sad or something like that. I just felt like a pity party before trying to offing myself I say trying because we all know im highly unlikely to succeed. Did you know only 33% of people who attempt suicide actually are able to kill themselves :/ Funny I didnt know that until now I just googled it like right now
how weird is that here I sit being all bitchy moany and so "tortured" and "depressed" and all that shit and yet im sane enough to google the success rate of suicide. And im playing cat and mouse with this friend of mine on facebook shes a childhood friend I told her I feel like killing myself shes trying to convince me other wise its soo cute the stuff shes saying lol.
I say lol because I find what shes saying amusing poor thing, bless her soul, she has a good heart and she means well but to be honest the things shes saying they read out of a text book classically what you would say to someone whos depressed and suicidal. Iv heard it all before, actually not just heard it Iv said it all before myself... Iv seen more than a few drama queens like myself and a couple of serious cases too for that matter, if I die tonight I wonder if someone would blog about me, if someone would make a memorial video of me, I wonder if blue eyes could cry if I died, for that matter I wonder if anyone would cry if I died, I wonder what happens to you when you die, I imagine an angel coming to remove my soul from my physical body and then being questioned for my deeds in the grave.
I dont want to do this anymore I dont wanna live like this I cant do this. waow I really like Xara I think iv found new respect and love for that girl, she genuinely cares in her own way poor thing bless her heart. I shouldnt have said anything to her shes worried now :/
shes been very kind to me it will serve me well to remember that. I dont know what I am looking for I dont know what I want all this anger all this pain I just want it to stop I want it to end I just wanna stop giving a fuck.
Goddammit why cant I stop I know this isnt gonna do anything or help or kill me but iv started the cutting and I dont wanna stop I cant stop im just cutting having fun playing with the blade how very unoriginal of me. But hey Im blogging about it like literally blogging about it as I cut now thats gotta be a first.... or maybe others have blogged about it too I dont know I feel like googling and seeing if people have done it but naahh fuck it lets all just for the sake of my ego massage assume I am the pioneer of blogging as you self mutilate lets for a minute all pretend like I am a ground breaking queen of drama queens taking my attention seeking shenanigans to the next level.

I think I feed of misery of self pity this blogging about how shitty my life is the telling my sob story to people, I think maybe this has become my heroin my new form of getting release maybe Im still a junkie who has just changed his drug of choice instead of heroin I now feed off drama I feed off hurt. I tried to turn my hate and my pain into fuel to power my ambitions to power my ability to work my strength to not give up maybe this is a side affect of that I need to figure out something different I am running out of places to cut and fuck me thats alot of blood :O
I feel like a deaf person yelling at the top of his lungs trying to hear himself Im deaf I know I cant hear myself but still Im yelling hoping for some odd reason praying to god for a miracle praying to be saved to have my affliction lifted, for my trials to end but there is no end to this, I no longer see light at the end of this tunnel, this shit aint never gonna end...
I was talking to a friend and we were telling each other songs they have no clue im cutting and suicidal right now.. wait if I can act normal infront of them as I cut myself does that mean Im really not suicidal and all this is just drama? hmmmm interesting question, note to self if you dont die figure out what all this melodrama was about.
so anyways coming back to the story so yeah I was telling my friend what song to hear and this song from the movie London Paris Newyork popped up and I remembered that movie and how I watched it. It was shortly after I was released after my last stint being held as an indoor patient facility. The movie had newly been released and its trailers were advertising on every channel Mtv and various radio stations were playing its songs again and again.
I was so miserable during that time, they had me pumped full of haloperidol, for those of you with brain cooties who havent had the pleasure of being given halo, let me say this son you aint seen shit till uv been given a loading dose of halo, it makes you miserable so fucking miserable that you would not believe, it doesnt just depress you or slow you down like all those other mind fucking pills oh no halo is special, it breaks your will to live just kills you inside makes you so dull it robs you of your mind. The closest description of what you feel on Haloperidol that I have come across would have to be the feeling of being in Azkaban prison from Harry Potter being surrounded by dementors that suck out every happy memory and feeling in you.
So back to the story where was I? Ahh yess the song, the song would play continuously and I vowed to myself that I would watch this movie when I got free, I told myself that I cant give up that I cant roll over and die like a cunt because I have to see this movie I have to see this movie... Every time that song played it would give me hope once more every time I would remind myself that I have to go on that Im not gonna die in this shit hole....
This wasnt the first time I made a thought and held onto it along with my sanity with merely a thread. No not at all, I remember it was December 2009 the first time I was ever locked up there were no windows or doors in that place like none. Literally there were no fucking doors or windows in that godforsaken hell hole. There was 60 inmates, three washrooms and no doors or windows. There was one sky light just one and if you put a chair on top of a table and stood on your tip toes on the chair you could peer out look at the outside world just barely but you could see.
It was new years eve and we were talking turns looking out the skylight, when I looked out of that sky light I saw freedom; there was a restaurant near by, cafe Zouk it was called and I saw people going in to have dinner; well dressed, good looking, laughing and I swore to myself that I would come to Zouk next year for new years that I would sit in that restaurant and dine like I was a normal happy person (I never did for those of you who are wondering). That thought, that vow it kept me going it gave me strength it was something to look forward to, something to do, it was unfinished business something I had to do before I died.
I did the same thing again when my parents locked me in my room without a phone or a computer for four months I was on a bunch of pills that time too dont remember what they were though anyways; I made a thought I thought I would see tweety again that I would hold her hand one more time. Now for those of you wondering who tweety is, tweety was my first real girlfriend, when I say real I mean post teenage now tweety was a bit old fashioned and didnt believe in premarital, well premarital anything really which means in the two years that we were together I had but held her hand once but I sure as hell held the crap out of that hand and it was a feeling i remembered and held onto I kept telling myself I was going to live through this, I was going to see her again hold that hand again, that thought it kept me going. (I never saw or spoke to her again)
I think im missing the point here waow iv rambled on for so long Iv forgotten the point I was going to make :/ something about a song and holding on to a thought or something....
Oh Oh I remembered nope I forgot again...
okay so iv run out of philosophical mumble jumble also iv lost a decent ammount of blood and im bored as fuck now I think Imma clean up the mess and then go game until i pass out from exertion :/