I Talked But It Was Hard And I Needed To

When I came into her office my Therapist commented that I seem like my old self back again.  Well, not sure but I continued talking like usual.   She said how the man in the waiting area, it’s probably the highlight of his day to talk to and see me.  I said how we finally shared our names.  Once she told me that I’m his pre-therapy before he goes in to see his therapist.  I handed her my bag with my extra clothes in it and said, “Here, this is for you.”  She took it and put it away, didn’t say a word.  Good.  She asked me what’s going on this week.  I told her about the estate sale men coming over yesterday.  At first, until they went downstairs, they said just to have a yard sale.  But after seeing downstairs they changed.  I saw dollar signs in their eyes.  They were amazed by my collections and how organized I am.  I asked her again about coming over to see so she can help me decide what to do.  She said in her profession there are rules and that is one rule they have.  They can’t go over to people’s houses.  She again quickly said about taking a picture.  But I just shrugged.  I didn’t say but it’s not the same – at all.  She told me about a house she went to years ago like a doll museum – dolls everywhere (west somewhere in this area).  I told her how I then called my real estate agent.  We talked.  She said she’s not talking herself out of a sale but she sees how I look at my collections and what big changes this would be and she doesn’t think I’m ready.  I told my therapist I don’t want to get rid of things.  I’ve worked so hard and so long to collect them.  And now my basement is so nice to enjoy everything.  I don’t want to move.  So how can we make up for the 1000 a month deficit? she asked me.  First she did a resistance that she put her hand on top of my hand and I had to push up against it.  Resisting moving or staying.  I resisted moving a lot but not staying.  She asked, “What’s up with that?”  I don’t want to move.  I like my house, my location, my space, my collections.  My husband wants to move and now sees the financial impact.  I’ve been doing all the financial stuff all along but now he sees it.  She said how I like to entertain and have family over and my basement and all.  She asked if we opened the pool yet.  No, and I feel bad because my husband uses it a lot.  When she was pushing down my hand I commented how strong she is.  I think she said, “I am.”  I didn’t know that about her.    So I confessed that I know what I have to do.  Get a job.  She said at least part time.  But she doesn’t think working in an office would be good for me because of my needing to go to the bathroom a lot.  Like I’d be setting myself up for something bad to happen.  Also because I’m used to making my own hours, my own schedule.  She said how I can make 1,000 to 2,000 a month doing things (I don’t think so but I didn’t say).  She told me about her son who’s home from college and how she encouraged him to advertise, make business card and such for his tennis lessons.  He did and got a call in 10 minutes and is teaching his first lesson today.   She could tell I didn’t want to do that – really talk about the whole issue.  She asked me what gets in the way.  I said, “Everything,” and then told her I needed to talk about what happened on Monday.    She told me how I have so many good qualities about my skills, being trustworthy, reliable and such.  There are many people who would love to have a person like me to help them out.  What a big asset I would be.  And there are people who will pay for that.  Do I know I have those qualities?  I nodded no.  She said she thought so.  She asked me if I have someone to help me like she helped her son.  Like I do that for other people.  My  son or daughter?  I said maybe my son but not my daughter.  But it was clear I didn’t like this subject.  I even said to continue my selling for another year like we are moving and then see.   So when I told her I needed to talk about what happened the other day she asked, “Yeah, what happened on Monday?”  I told her maybe I should say why I want to talk about it first and then lead into talking about it because it was so hard.  I hate this! And, I’m so tired of this!  So I told her it’s been with me and it won’t go away and I need to talk so it’ll go away.  After I told her I commented that I hope it will go away now.  She just listened.  It was so hard to talk.  She said, “Just do it!”   I commented like the Nike logo.  I told her I wish I could write it down.  Do I want to?  No, it’ll take too long.  It was still hard to talk so I asked her what she knows that then I won’t have to tell her everything myself.  She said that the only thing she knows is that I needed my change of clothes.  And, I was acting kind of shut down in the session.  In my shame mode.  I was in my shame mode, I told her.  She admitted she didn’t know much at all.  And, that she didn’t see anything either.  So finally I told her how I needed to go to the bathroom in the car but not bad and I’d just go when I got here.  That happens sometimes, not all the time, I was sure to tell her.  So I have a choice to go to the bathroom downstairs (which is closer) or down the hall.  I don’t like going downstairs because it seemed especially on Mondays – during lunch and maybe on other days during lunch I don’t know – they have the door open downstairs.  I knew when I was checking doing our exposure therapies from before.  So I thought, OK I’ll go upstairs.  So I got out of the car and started going up the stairs and I really needed to go and didn’t make it all the way to the bathroom.  I thought if I wouldn’t pay attention to it maybe no one would.  So I came into the waiting area and she called me in.  She asked me if anyone was out there.  Yes, one girl but I didn’t talk to her and she didn’t talk to me.    Then, last week, we talked about the Race with no bathrooms around.  And my weekend picnic and how this is just part of my everyday life and I hate it.  And, I was sitting there with my wet pants.  “Oh,” she really empathetically sympathacized with me.  She really did.  She said how that must have been hard.  She asked me why I didn’t say anything.  I said for one she only had one set of clothes for me.  I was afraid I’d need them again.  Like on the trip the first time I had an accident I was hesitant to change because I didn’t want to run out of clothes.  But I knew I had to say something at some point.    I told her about I’m trying to learn from my little granddaughter.  She’s always saying to me, “Guess what, Nana?” very excitedly and then she tells me what.  I wish I could have just been able to say, “Guess what, her name?” and told her what happened.  She laughed and thought that would have been great.  But my granddaughter feels no shame.  No one makes fun of her.  They do me and can to me.    Then I told her I better tell her this part because if I don’t I’m going to get home and it’ll still bother me.  I get myself so uptight and upset about the whole thing and that makes me have to go to the bathroom more, quicker, faster.  So I said something to her right away when I had to go but I was going to the bathroom all the way to the bathroom.  And that shouldn’t happen.  That’s why I think there’s an emotional component in this, too.  She just listed and nodded.    She said we should have a pact from now on.  To be like my granddaughter like she does and just ask for my clothes and be done with it so I can be comfortable.  I told her I didn’t want to talk about it.  She told me I didn’t have to talk about it.  And, she thanked me for sharing it with her.  So, I am glad I talked today because I want to move on about it.  I said how it carried with me a long time except for when the kids were over the other night.  I told her I haven’t gotten into that shame mode in a long time.  Even on the trip I instead talked a lot instead.  But I got into it the other day and just couldn’t get out.  I even tried talking and it didn’t work.  She asked me if there was ever a time that I didn’t feel the shame when it happened – when I was little.  I didn’t think so.  She asked when it happens to my granddaughter, like it must do, if she feels the shame.  No, not at all.  I think she was alluding to me being like that.  We talked a little more about all the things I have coming every weekend for the next month or so.  And, every time, what ever it is, I have to think about it and plan it logistically and what to bring and what to do, etc.  I’m so tired of this I just want it to go away.  She said right now it’s there and not going away.  I looked like I hope someday it will.  So she said that maybe in the future medically something may happen so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.  Or even emotionally.  But until then I need to deal with it but not put so much emphasis on it.  Yeah.  I think that’s what she said.  Kinda blocked that out too not wanting to focus so much on it.  She gave me a Self Blessing and a Butterfly Wisdom figurine and little sayings from the Bell Pine Art Farm in Oregon to look at.  She gave me the tappers, too.  I told her I needed to go to the bathroom.  She grabbed the tappers back.  I started to say how I was going to wait.  “No, no, no, no,” she confidently said and wouldn’t even begin to let me.  “You won’t be able to concentrate.”  So I went.  When I came back I told her how I want to watch the clock again and how my next trip is only a little over a month away.  She listened.  Here we go again!  But she said it’s not so bad because I’ll be with my husband.  Yes.  But there’s an all day trip and next Friday with my real estate agent who has no idea.  She nodded like she knew.  She commented how people don’t realize what an impact on someone’s life this is.  I also said earlier about my friends wanting to do the Race next year but I don’t even want to think about it – it’s a year away.  She just listened.  Humm??  So I liked the Butterfly Wisdom the best.  I held on to that one while she talked.  I told her how her wings are open, she looks content and happy and the person below her (she said it’s not supposed to be nasty when I alluded to it earlier) is helping support her so she doesn’t have to do it alone.  She saw it as the same person with her branching out and flying with her wings.  Just different between us but I’m glad she shared that.  She doesn’t share a lot about herself and I wish she would.  So that she’s a real person, too.    She commented on my personal shopping I’m doing with my friend on Saturday.  And I told her how I called her back to let her know we will be at the Bride/Groom blessing tomorrow night because of the jealousy thing.  We are not family but the groom’s father invited us.  Then I told her about the healing blessing with her name at 2 houses of worships that I forgot to tell her about (but wanted to – just kept forgetting) that happens every week.  I hope it’s OK.  She said it was and I’m hoping she feels honored I did that.  I told her tomorrow night I may not say her name out loud because my friend may connect it.  I referred her son to go to her and he did.  She understood.  But I may say her name quietly and, my friend will do it on his list of 10 names he does every week.   My massage therapist was back from vacation – haven’t seen her in 2 weeks.  I had an appointment after my therapist but she wasn’t there so I just walked out.  There were 4 ladies/girls in the waiting area and they all smiled or talked to me going out – mainly about how hot it is now.  Just kind of strange that they all did.  But that’s a good thing.  So my massage therapist called when I was almost home saying she tried to call me but was in a dead area.  She apologized.  So, I’ll go tomorrow to her for 10 minutes.  She’s very sweet.  I thought she just forgot but she didn’t.