I Talked A Lot Today With A Busy Weekend

I felt like I talked a lot today.  I told her how so much happened this weekend I had to write it down as it happened and had the paper with me.  When I first came in she commented on my tie dye shirt and asked me if it’s in honor of Woodstock.  I told her how my youngest would have been the perfect Woodstock goer.  She agreed.  She said how he’s the creative one and my other son is the sensible one and how I have some of each.  I showed her the picture my youngest sent me this weekend.  His hair is longer like I thought – he hasn’t cut it yet and it was pretty long when he left.  You can tell it’s weighted down now.    I thanked her so much for the message and the note.  I felt so good about having both.  She said she knew when I left we weren’t done and she didn’t want to go on about it.  She may have said it was a spur of the moment thing to do.  I told her how good it was that I could listen to it or read it any time I wanted to and both were great.  She said again how hard that must have been for me to hear during the session.  Yeah.  It was almost like it was hard to even read for her.  I remember a long, long time ago when we started reading it she just about started crying (couple tears in her eyes) and commented quickly how it wasn’t even about her.  I’m guessing it was the taking me away from my family part.  So I talked a lot about things on my list from this weekend.  She didn’t say a whole lot – just listened mostly.  I really talked a lot and felt like we didn’t do much “therapy” but I guess just me talking is “therapy”.  I told her about hiding (she chucked about ‘hiding’ because that’s what I do about my problem) from the guy at the door and before that writing my journal (I write after I come here because it’s what happens and it’s fresh in my mind) and a person wanting to chat.  She brightened up and said someone’s reading it.  No, I don’t think so – on either sites.  Even the one girl who did is gone and I don’t know what happened.   She said she’s heard of people with sexual fetishes with diapers but didn’t know a lot about it when I mentioned it.  He asked me questions about diapers and things I didn’t want to answer.  She can imagine.  I can usually tell who those people are.  It’s good what I did she told me, going back to the subject for a minute when I was on to something else.  How it was funny hiding (on the floor) from that guy at my door – and him peeping in my window! – and my husband turning on the shower water in the back of the house which I’m sure he couldn’t hear.  And I didn’t even do anything wrong.  And neither did my son really either.  How it’s hard to leave the house for fear that he might be here.  I don’t like this.  Then we talked about the whole big thing about my friend wanting to change the restaurant, the phone calls and all that happened.  I even introduced a few new names.  I asked her if it ever gets confusing with so many people she sees.  She didn’t seem to and I told her she’s good with me.  How they ended up at where I chose but this stupid “coupon” thing.  She said people with OCD are like that.  She knows the wife is OCD and I told her the husband has lots of problems and is on medicines too.  He even tried to put it all on me.  But it was my turn to pick.  One person, who I’m surprised did this, didn’t tell me she was going to the other restaurant and later called me to say she’s not going either.  She’s just staying home.  She said I can call her later but I didn’t.  Guess she felt bad.    The one guy friend said that maybe I’m a little too take charge and planning but like one other guy friend said – someone has to do it. She said it’s good that I pick up on things very easily – I’m very good at that.  It’s not good for the people who are so narrow minded that they can’t see it.  Or, I said denial.  Yes.  I said how maybe they are a little jealous that they are not like that.  Maybe.  I did get a little of the cold shoulder and I could have used her advise this weekend (she didn’t say anything) because I was still angry at what was going on going to dinner.  What to do?  Be angry or not.  I did what my instincts told me to just be myself – friendly as usual.  But I talked my middle son in going with us.  I didn’t think I acted any differently but one friend called later to ask me if anything was bothering me.  At first I was going to tell her, had it planned in my mind, but she said since I’ve been back from Mexico.  Maybe she just said that.  She also asked about my kids and seemed very happy when I said no, everything was OK.  So I said nothing and I don’t know if that was the right choice.  She said sometimes we say things when we are angry and it’s best to cool down first.  I told her how my two friends stuck together like glue.  She remembered they did that on the girl trip, too.  Yeah.  Later when we talked about going on the bigger trip I’m wondering if it would be easier with just 4 of us (only 2 couples)   They are so slow.  I’m fast.  Even at dinner I was up and back and up and back so much faster than them.  I need to either slow down or have more patience with them.  She said something but I can’t remember what now.  I said like my book I wrote, “…. That’s Me”  I want people to accept me as me.  I do them.    My husband got mad, said his piece and hung up.  She was surprised he did that because of his easy going nature.  I said it doesn’t happen very often but does once in a while.  I was kind of glad because it puts it on him for a change.  It’s always on me because I’m the outspoken one.  And I said how I’m glad my one guy friend (who we always have trouble with) said something about us being split up and that’s not good.  I’m glad he did.  We’ve been together so long, from an organization, for about 27 years for that to be happening.  Long time.  This is the guy they always want me to talk to because they think I can deal with him the best.  I said how I was angry how they went behind my back and like they did that one time on the girl trip when I (and another person) wanted to go to the diamond mines.  Maybe they do more and I don’t even know about it.  She said they are acting very high schoolish.  Yeah – and I’m not like that.  I’m more up front and such.  She said when we have a planning meeting to set some guidelines without pointing fingers.  Or, when I’m helping my friend organize I could say something but I probably wouldn’t not wanting to make waves.  I do not like conflicts.  But something like this keeps building.  I even mentioned the 8 of us trip out west and their mouths opened in surprise and cost was the first thing out of the “coupon” man’s mouth.  And, they are the ones who can afford it by far who live below their means!  They don’t struggle like much of us do.  I showed her my granddaughter’s picture getting chemo – with her porta cath.  I told her it makes me realize what that little girl goes through.  But I don’t treat her any different.  I rarely even look at her leg being gone.  And she doesn’t take anything different.  When I said about me being different than others she used the analogy that so is my granddaughter but she’s not affected by it.  She’s not defined by her problems and I don’t want to be defined by mine.  I want to be like that, too with my granddaughter’s attitude.  And about her throwing up – not affected.  I want to take it like, too.  She said how my granddaughter has qualities I would like to have.  Yeah.  I said how it reminds me also of my best friend who had a “port”.  And about her with the cancer.  I congratulated her for her 1 year mark since being diagnosed.  She thanked me.  I remember because my grandson just started school and he started back again today.  I said how my granddaughter’s hair is starting to fall out we think.  Just like my best friend, and I’m sure herself (she nodded) it happened about 3 weeks after the first treatment.  But maybe because she’s back on chemo, from after her amputation, for a while and it’s accumulating in her system.  Also the fact that she threw up at Target Saturday just after being in our car (thank goodness she didn’t do it with us).  My daughter got a bag for her, her boyfriend was not there, and she said, “OK … I feel better now!”  after like nothing.  She said she got her medicine every day for 3 days and they were giving my granddaughter only as needed after the first day.  I told her how Friday night I went school shopping with my daughter and grandson.  I met them at the shoe store and then I drove us out to Target and Walmart.  It was really nice.  Even with my daughter asking if it was like that when they were little.  She smiled.  I told her how we got into the dressing room and my grandson had to go to the bathroom and my daughter wanted him to hold it and wait.  He couldn’t and I knew, exactly from me (she nodded like she understood), that I didn’t want him do have to do that because I know what it’s like.  So I took him which gave me a chance to go, too. Also my daughter said that he really doesn’t wet his bed anymore so it must have been they gave him too much to drink or an emotional thing with the new baby or being in a strange place.   I said how in the car I talked to him a bit.  It seems he has mixed emotions about his Dad, going over there and such.  Yes and no, he doesn’t and does like it.  His Dad told him when he gets to be a teenager he can ride his motorcycle to the president and tell him he wants to live with his Dad.  That’s going to confuse him!  My daughter told him it will hurt her feelings and yes, he’s OK with going over there once a month (or less) rather than every other week.  My daughter is planning on talking to her ex on Tuesday night.  Oh – no.  Don’t know what’s going to happen.  Then I talked about the zoo on Saturday.  “Here we go again,” I sighed as I began.  She smiled maybe or maybe not knowing what’s coming next.  She probably did.  I told her how the little kids wanted to come with us saying they want to sit behind Nana.  Papa drove.  They were very crowded at the zoo and lots of traffic and we couldn’t even park in the parking lot.  They spotted a handicapped spot and told us to park there and they’d meet us after they parked.  We were driving around and I knew I would have to go to the bathroom but tried not to think about it because it would bring it on sooner but then I did and we pulled into that spot.   I told her about that commercial for some bladder medicine (she hasn’t seen it) with the lady having to go to the bathroom, fiddling with her keys and a porta potty just drops down and she says, “Like that’s ever going to happen!”  She laughed.  I said I looked up and there was a building right there – like that porta potty.  But when I went the doors were locked.  She wondered what the others around did (there was a family reunion or picnic next to it) – it shouldn’t be locked.  No.  But by then I really needed to go.  I wore shorts that could spread apart easily but I didn’t want to do that if I didn’t have to.  My pants still get wet and it goes down your legs.  She commented how that would be uncomfortable.  Yes.  So I looked around, and there were people and cars, and I found a place where I didn’t think anyone would see.  What else could I have done?  I wouldn’t have been able to make it to the zoo entrance because it was a pretty far walk.  I pulled down my pants, squatted down and went to the bathroom.  It was even on the sidewalk because people could see on the grassy area.  So I went, didn’t even look and left real fast.  I felt really bad about it like it wasn’t a good thing to do.  I felt so bad that I didn’t tell anyone what I did and tried not to get into the bad feelings.  Later when she told me about leaving without anyone knowing and not even telling anyone where I’m going when I need to go (because I was concerned about making too much of an issue about it), because I’m so quick, I said how that quickness helped in this case very much.  Yes.    Then after lunch I suggested for the kids to go but they didn’t need to.  But my daughter saw right through that and said, “Mom if you need to go to the bathroom just go.”  She laughed pretty hard at that, how she caught on to me.  My husband went like I thought he would.  He drinks a lot.  He drank a whole water bottle on the way there and at lunch so I thought he would need to.  But I felt like I was making too big of an issue about it and maybe I just needed to shut up.  But I wanted the little kids to go especially before we left because they’d be in our car and I could just see it – half way home they’d need to go.  She said they should have made sure they went before we left.    I told her how they all didn’t go at all or maybe once.  My grandson ended up going before we left and so did my daughter’s boyfriend.  My daughter or granddaughter didn’t go at all.  I went maybe 4 times!  It makes me feel bad because it shows me how different I am.  She said it’s frustrating but how my granddaughter is “different” too.  My granddaughter’s Dad said how she can hold it all the way from the babysitter’s home.  She’ll be fine.  I told my therapist, but sometime’s they can’t.  So in the car she said she needed to go but she must not have really had to because she didn’t even go at my house when we got home.  She asked me what I did when she said that.  She said she can hold her pee in.  I said I didn’t make an issue of it.  Good.  When I was talking about this, getting towards the end, I needed to go to the bathroom and told her.  It’s weird talking about having to go to the bathroom when you have to.  She asked me if I wanted to go and I said I told her I wanted to wait a few minutes.  I did but in a while, again talking about having to go to the bathroom, said that I better go.  I did and came back.  Maybe 4-5 minutes – not long like I would like to.  It hasn’t been with her and I need to try harder.  But lately I haven’t wanted to.  Just a little is fine.  Maybe because it’s hard to concentrate on things so I give in easily.  I’ll need to get back with it someday soon.    I told her how my husband and I went to dinner that night and then went to Borders to walk around.  Someone who works there recognized me from grade school.  She said I look exactly the same, she’s jealous and how good I look.  Yeah right.  My therapist asked me if I had long blond hair then?  Yes.  Glasses?  Yes, but I wore contact too for a long time but glasses back then in grade school    Then I talked about Sunday.  How our friend’s daughter is in a 4 bedroom apartment this year at college and they went the day before to help her set up.  He made record time coming home (well, he didn’t go home, he went to the casino) and told everyone they need to go to the bathroom before they go because he’s not stopping.  Then he said to me, “But I couldn’t tell you that!”  She laughed pretty hard again. I just put my hands up like ‘everyone knows’ but didn’t say.  I told her how I had the honors this morning of taking my grandson to the bus stop for his first day of school this year.  She said how that’s so special for him that he’ll remember and she saw how much it meant to me, too.  I said how we were a little early and he went on the bus anyway.  I asked him if he wanted me to stay or can I go home.  He said stay but I saw the bus driver talking to him, she opened up the door and said he said I can go home because he didn’t want me to get wet (it was raining and I was standing their with my hood on).    I told her how today is the first day of my middle son’s new job.  They sent him a plant and I told him they want you as much as you want him.  He will be in charge of their whole IT operation.  He’s very good.  She said how proud I am of him.  Yes.  She also said how today was a big day of first days.    So we were done talking about the weekend and all that happened.  She asked me if I learned anything.  I said that there were a lot of little things but 2 big things.  It would have been 3 if I would have seen my granddaughter throw up (I hope not).  It was about my friends and about having to go to the bathroom so much and all that happened at the zoo.  We just talked a little more about it – more about the first one.   I asked her about scheduling before and after her trip.  She said we’ll talk next time about it.  She’ll be back the day after Labor Day.  She mentioned about re-scheduling with the massage therapist, too.  But then she remembered she’ll be gone, too.  She said she has some ideas for me what to do while she’s gone but we’ll talk next time about it.  She did go on and said for me to see the other massage therapist for a 1 HOUR session.  One hour!  I’m scared to do ½ hour with my regular one.    She again said we’ll talk more next time but she does this energy thing and she’s drawn to areas – she’s really good.  That I shouldn’t tell her very much at all – just that I’ve been having some bladder issues – and see what happens.  Half way though, and I can arrange that with her, I can grab the robe and go to the bathroom.  Then she said, no I didn’t even need to grab the robe – I can do this fully clothed.  But arrange with her ahead of time to go to the bathroom half way through and she’ll let me know.  I was writing my check out at the time and acted like, ‘is she kidding?’  So she will explain more next time.  Also I said how the time after I will be bringing my husband so we’ll need to talk about that.  Yes.    We talked about so much today I didn’t even get a chance to mention, or talk about, the volunteer work I’m starting tomorrow.  I forgot and I guess she forgot.  I’m scared about having to go to the bathroom and all and we usually talk a little about it first and she gives me ideas and such.  So I guess I have to deal with this on my own.  There has to be bathrooms there.  I just can’t be shy about it.  And we didn’t talk about my family history at all.  That was good because I’m just not ready yet.  Yes, we should and we need to but not yet – later – and maybe things will be brought up here and there with just our regular talking.  At one point she said, “You could write a book,” and then thought and said, “You have.”  I said, “I could write a new book.”  I think it was all pertaining to so much going on this weekend.  When I left she asked me if I’m seeing the massage therapist.  Yes.  Her next client had rang the bell probably 5 minutes while I was still in there but I didn’t look at the clock to see what time it was.  I left, went to the massage therapist, she went into the bathroom and I guess got her client after.  I hope I didn’t make her late again.  Last time we went over 10 minutes but I don’t think anyone was waiting – or at least no one rang the bell last time.  My massage therapist didn’t have a chair so she was making do with a set up on the table leaning over.  She said she’ll ‘make it up to me’ next time.  She’s very nice, too.  And we can talk about what she did, I did, her weekend, my weekend and such.  I can’t do that with my therapist and wish I could – really I wish she would.  So I know she’s a real person, too.  Weird.  I brought her trip info to South Dakota, Wyoming and Amish country in Illinois.  She saw the picture of my granddaughter I had.  I told her it was of her getting chemo and I told her the story and the disease she has and the amputation.  I also ended up showing her zoo pictures from this weekend I had and the picture my son so far away texted me on my phone.  I felt more my chatty, happy self with both of them today.  More like my normal self.  That was hard last week and I don’t know if my massage therapist noticed the quietness.  I get like that when something’s bothering me.  I like my happy, friendly self so much better.