I survived 2008

I Survived!!As I sit and reflect on the past year and wonder what the new year will bring for my family, I wonder out loud to myself about how each of us deals with the flood of emotions that creep, crawl, sweep, and swoop down on us for each of our "special" dates throughout the year. I know I have a few days that I absolutely dread. I can feel them coming a few months in advance and it seems as though I mentally try so hard to prepare for them. Well... it doesn't seem to matter how much preparation goes into the trying to feel in control, solidly grounded or even desparate, I am always blown away by each experience as each year passes.Everyone in the "outside" world thinks stupid un-forgiving thoughts like "is she ever gonna get over it?", "is this ever gonna end for her?"' and the best one of all.."Isn't about time you let go of these emotions and get on with your life?". I say "Bull!!!".I do have good days, and I had several of them this past year. Some at work, most of them at home with my extended family and friends. And yes, I had a few really bad days, just like everyone here has. I miss MayLyn and she is always in my thoughts and in my heart, forever missed and forever loved. I know people mean well. I know it hurts them to see me hurting, well, some of them, the others I could care less about. Losing MayLyn taught me who is real and showed me who the false ones were for sure, and I can deal with them more effeciently now than ever. Ignoring them is handy and I have achieved the ability to focus on me instead of them, where that came from is beyond my purview, but I do have a heatly respect for it none the less. I am truly blessed since I decided to change my way of thinking concerning the loss of my Daughter in April of 2004.Everytime last year someone or something tried to make me feel guilty or sad or hurt for still allowing myself my time for grieving I just accepted the truth that I am not getting farther and farther away from MayLyn as the years slip by. I look at pictures everyday, and share things with her children everyday and keep her memory alive as best as I can, for all of us, not just for me. But I now know that I am slowly getting closer and closer to seeing her again. I concentrate on the fact that as all this time slips by I can clearly see her face at the end of my rainbow, waiting for me to put my arms around her again, kiss her cheek and tell her how much I love her and how much I have missed her. So I guess what I am trying to relate to all of you is that no matter what anyone else thinks, this is your personal loss, and nobody in this world can dictate to you how it should affect you. Your expectations and your healing time and your emotions are so very personal that only you know what to expect from you. But if you can try to change your way of thinking about your loss and remember that you are not getting farther away from them but ever so much closer to them as each day passes, then maybe you can find a little light at the end of your rainbow too. I look forward so much to seeing MayLyn again, and I have been taught by my family that death is a big part of life. I have found that now I am not afraid to die anymore. A huge part of me puts myself into fates hands. What will be will be and when I go, I know I will get to see MayLyn again, and eventually everyone of us will be together in the end.Scary huh? I was so shocked at this revalation in the beginning, but now, it actually comforts me. I am on cloud nine that I gave birth to such a wonderful girl. She became a wonderful Mother and she gave a little of herself everyday of her short life. I was so blessed to have had her in my life, and she is the light I look forward to basking in when my time in this world has come to an end.Thanks for listening as always,Your forever friend,Jacqueline PLH MayLyn's Momma