I still have your ashes.......
I still have your ashes. It's been a year since your death and I still have your ashes! There was no memorial service. Your sister and I planned to give you a military funeral last spring, but so many things have delayed it. Now, I find it hard to even think of letting go of you. Something else for me to feel guilty about. So your ashes sit on the nightstand, onyour side of the bed. Yes, it's still your side of the bed. And when I've had enough for one day, grief climbs in bed with me, it's ice cold feet wearing YOUR socks. It seems strange. The person I love has died and the world goes on. People shop. They go to work. They laugh. They sing. And I'm experiencing the winter of frozen dreams. I'm so sorry, they say. How are you? I'm fine, I say. Just fine. When you're grieving, fine is a four letter word! They mean well, I know they do. It's hard for them, too. While I'm hurting on the inside, I feel forced to smile on the outside. I don't break down as often when I cry; it's more like a gentle melting. There are times when I feel defeated, when I think not one more bad thing can happen to me. I'm not alone. My dear friends here at DS are hurting and feeling losses of their own. But, they are always there to pick me up and I try to be there for them as well. We have days when we must concentrate to make it through the next ten minutes, and days we feel pretty good. We're trying to adjust our lives and find the "new normal". We're trying to LIVE, to be here for the ones who love us. And no matter how hard MY days are, I will NEVER choose to put my loved ones in my position. I will never, by choice, be the cause of someone's pain. A pain that must be endured for the rest of their lives. Today, I will go to the place where your spirit left the earthly world for the unseen world. A mountain road, at the end of the pavement on North Fork Drive, 8 miles NE of Sierra Drive. This is something I've wanted to do since your death. I will bury a letter I've written for you and pray. I have to begin "letting go". But, for now, I still have your ashes. I love you. I miss you. I always will.
Replies
Oh dear Debbie - you wrote a beautiful journal here - pouring out your heart. Thanks for sharing and bleeding with us. Doing this will help let go and aid your healing. Love John
I am sorry for your loss. I kept my son\'s ashes for 5 mos and it stayed in my room by my bed until I was ready. Finally, we did have a graveside service for just the family so the pastor could talk specifically about suicide. We were comforted by having that service. It was not like the memorial service where all could attend. Somehow there was finality to having him somewhere safe. I always worried that with the urn in our house, what if there was a house fire? Stupid thinking, I know. You will come to that decision in due time. For now, whatever works that makes you feel comfortable is what must be. God bless, Dale, Brandon\'s Mom
oh, I am sorry for your pain. I buried my husbands ashes in the cemetary next to his mom mom. He always talked about her. My kids and I wrote letters and buried them with him. Mine was full of anger, but I was trying to \"bury\" that anger. I had to try and let go of it and slowly I am. I have to for the kids. You will make your decision when the time is right.
Kim
Death ; A painful but temporary interruption.
1 Thessalonians 4:13
The Coming of The Lord
13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord\'s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.
I am your friend and will support you all that I can hun. I feel you. I am so sorry.
Feed the Spirit ; Starve the doubt - Prayers as always, Jonesen
You\'ll know when if ever... I still have a small urn with some of my son\'s ashes and now I have my mom\'s ashes which we will scatter in August when all the grandchildren can attend. It\'s all okay and there are no \"rules\" with this. I think whatever brings us comfort is what it\'s about. Wishing you a gentle day! XO Joanie
Debbie, I\'m so sorry for the late response and my heart goes out to you. It is so hard, I know. Your journal entry was very well written. Experience the grief. Anger, denial, grief, etc. is part of the healing process. (((( Hugs ))))
An after comment: To the hell with those who don\'r get it and here\'s to those who do.
First time I have read your journal and my breaks for you.. I don\'t know what to say that make any difference but people do care and love you. May God help you with this If I can be of any help please let me know. My private email is terslady@yahoo.com. Love, frieda