I shouldn\'t think about what other people are thinking.

This year, I've changed from 3 courses in under 3 months. I dropped my first course in January, (the fashion one) because I just did not see myself doing it for the rest of my life. I dropped out of the second one last week, (a University entrance course) in that course I was mean't to do maths, research and English. And well there was a whole lot of group work in all of those classes and I really didn't know what I was doing anyway. I just felt, reaaaaally dumb.    So last week I changed to an art course seeing as art is my strength, and well when I went there for my first day on Thursday (which was also my birthday) I was placed at a table with all these guys. You do not know how F**ken scared I was! And since the course officially began on Monday I was the new kid who had no idea what the F**k she was mean't to do.What was worse no one even really told me what I was supposed to do! I was bloody lost! Eventually after feeling like a complete idiot when I didn't have a clue how to use the photocopier I asked someone. But it didn't make me feel any better afterwards. I just felt like you know a total loser for not being able to communicate properly.And well the art that we did that day, was the art I hate the most (morden shit!) so yeah that sucked! Another reason, was I came off drawing like a beginner (probably because of how scared shitless I was!), and you know sitting next to a guy who seems to be the best bloody artist in the world doesn't help, especially when hes looking at how good your drawing skills are! Man I soooo want to see if I can sit at another table tomorrow, it would be nice if I could I sit at the same table as that girl who was in my art class from school. But yeah I don't know, I wasn't ever close to her at school and it would be scary going to another table, but  sitting at a table with just guys is a nightmare. Atleast with girls I can sort of communicate.My other problem of course is the guy one. I wrote to him again, and he wrote back. But he doesn't seem to write much. I think he doesn't want to write to someone, who you know hasn't even said a thing to him in person. And I f**ken hate that I can't talk to him in person, that my fear takes over, and I'd rather run than face him. And what little hope I had of him liking me pretty much went. When I saw how he was in the meeting. He loves the Lord. That is a good thing, but now I think he only loves the Lord and there is no room for him to love a second love.   And if he did love someone in the future it would not be me, I couldn't ever measure up to his standards. He would want someone who didn't swear and who was strong in the Lord. Unfortunately I am neither. Yet I still can not forget him, he is the only guy I consider who would remotely take me as I am, instead of begging me to open my mouth and speak. For he would understand my fear of doing so when pressed. Or so I had hoped.But yeah I am destined for horrible things, and all I can do is go on. Even if this life is totally not worth it.I pray that the psychologist will tell me what I must do. If the art teacher allows me to go early to see the psychologist. I will so die if he doesn't let me go, because I need to see her badly, because I want to change, I soooo desperately want to change.