I should have kept my mouth shut
Well last time I was meeting with my social worker I opened up and told her that I was thinking about suicide... I have a plan and a day and what I need to complete it.. However its a feeling that I may or may not do on that day I dont think about it all the way up until that day. if it happens then it happens...
But now I am wishing I would have never have said anything to her about it.. As now she wont leave it alone.. our whole appointment today was wasted on her trying to make me do a safety plan... Which I wont do because I am not going to promise anything. My mind is set on what happens, happens that day.. I am sitting in the middle part of me wants to stay around and the other part of me wants nothing to do with this life anymore...
Now I know a lot of people would say your worth it, stay strong, dont do it life gets better and the list goes on.. But this month sucks for me and I do think of ending everything and until that day I really dont know if I will end my life or if something will keep me around.. I just know there is nothing in my life that is changing my mind and wanting me to fight to stay...
But I want that choice what she does not get is the threat she made saying that she will make the plan by herself and that she will call 911 to check on me that day... She does not get it that will push me more towards doing it.. I wont be home I will be at a grave site all day... and I can say if my mom texts or calls me saying the police are there, I will say fuck it and just kill myself bc it would be far better then having to listen to her after I get home...
If I have police taking me to hospital I can say that I will be trying everything to get out and to end everything, so really the best thing is to leave me alone and to just let me do myself...
I feel if I have no control then why should I be here? why?? If I have no control over my choice then what is the point.. if I make it past that day then I did it myself and was strong enough to.. But if someone tries to stop me then I am just going to give myself the only control I have left which would be just to end life, and I would find a way., and would not stop until I finished it... I know that really sounds bad.. but its really on my mind... I know a lot of people have thought about it and understand... I just need to get through this myself and know that even though I have nothing strong to keep me here I do make it.. but if I dont I am ok with death, and I am giving every part of me to donation to either people that need it or for research to help find cures or learn about things... So I dont think it is horrible to end my life when I know that I would be helping others...
But now I am wishing I would have never have said anything to her about it.. As now she wont leave it alone.. our whole appointment today was wasted on her trying to make me do a safety plan... Which I wont do because I am not going to promise anything. My mind is set on what happens, happens that day.. I am sitting in the middle part of me wants to stay around and the other part of me wants nothing to do with this life anymore...
Now I know a lot of people would say your worth it, stay strong, dont do it life gets better and the list goes on.. But this month sucks for me and I do think of ending everything and until that day I really dont know if I will end my life or if something will keep me around.. I just know there is nothing in my life that is changing my mind and wanting me to fight to stay...
But I want that choice what she does not get is the threat she made saying that she will make the plan by herself and that she will call 911 to check on me that day... She does not get it that will push me more towards doing it.. I wont be home I will be at a grave site all day... and I can say if my mom texts or calls me saying the police are there, I will say fuck it and just kill myself bc it would be far better then having to listen to her after I get home...
If I have police taking me to hospital I can say that I will be trying everything to get out and to end everything, so really the best thing is to leave me alone and to just let me do myself...
I feel if I have no control then why should I be here? why?? If I have no control over my choice then what is the point.. if I make it past that day then I did it myself and was strong enough to.. But if someone tries to stop me then I am just going to give myself the only control I have left which would be just to end life, and I would find a way., and would not stop until I finished it... I know that really sounds bad.. but its really on my mind... I know a lot of people have thought about it and understand... I just need to get through this myself and know that even though I have nothing strong to keep me here I do make it.. but if I dont I am ok with death, and I am giving every part of me to donation to either people that need it or for research to help find cures or learn about things... So I dont think it is horrible to end my life when I know that I would be helping others...
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