i screwed up!!!
i screwed up and because i'm stupid i've wrecked my dad's life. i've been so focussed on doing well in school, so happy that i've been getting better at day-to-day functioning, so hopeful that maybe just maybe i could build a life out of the ruins...and here i am again to show that i've learned nothing, accomplished nothing. he was kind enough to sign a loan for me the last time i attempted school and i was so sure i had nothing to worry about, it wouldn't come due until i finished the degree. only i didn't tell them i'd switched schools so the loan's defaulted, it's on my dad's credit report and his hope of finding a mortgage has been shot to hell and back. and it's all my fault. i thought everything was taken care of and i should have been more responsible about it. now, even though i'm slotted to pay the loan, there's nothing anyone can do about the negative mark on his report, and he might not be able to get his house.
they say they'd contacted me by mail and maybe they did, one thing guaranteed to send me to fits of anxiety is official looking mail. i tend to put it in a box and leave it until i'm in a good place to handle whatever it is. i can't find the last box so maybe the letter(s) were in there.
i feel awful, and again i've let someone depending on me to do the right thing at the right time, down. i've been having a rough go the last little while. i was doing okay then my mood spiralled down. it was really hard to finish the 1st summer session but i managed okay. 2nd session started and i made an appointment with the p-doc and a new t-doc because i felt/feel like i'm in some trouble. new meds...not helping. new t-doc...better than the old, but i'm not sure about her yet. stress piling on...final paper for summer session due next week and i haven't started yet, as well as thesis issues...feeling overwhelmed, yet again.
the best and worst has been my birthday. i used to call it the lion's season and celebrate the whole month, something big, something little...didn't really matter. this year i thought i'd try to get back to that so i made dinner plans for me and my sister at a nice restaurant...she stood me up. no problem, i had a lovely meal alone, the owner and my waiter felt sorry for me so my wine and pudding were gratis. and i even managed not to feel sorry for myself or overly self-conscious. i'd made plans to go away for a few days after that, just a little trip to a nearby city. i made myself a schedule and kept to it mostly. i felt really good about that - getting out again, enjoying walking and museums. then i screwed up. i made a reservation at a really posh restaurant that does a supper cruise down the river. it sounded beautiful. i really wanted to go, but i was late getting dressed and got lost on my way to the restaurant. instead of pulling myself together, going in and seeing what could be done about it i pulled into an alley and cried. i felt so overwhelmed at that moment, and really it was such a little thing so i felt stupid for feeling overwhelmed. all those feelings and anxieties that ruled my life in the year i was afraid to be outside came roaring back - it was almost like the time in-between had never happened at all. i felt a failure again. i went for fast food and hid out in my hotel room, an evening with wonderful potential wasted because i lack basic social skills and the ability to respond to things like a normal person. i tried to make up for it the next day (my last) and couldn't bring myself to do anything but pack up and go home - where the bomb about the loan dropped.
i take a step forward and three back it seems. i'm so tired of messing up. every mistake feels like it completely wipes away anything good i managed to do. i finished my homework for the week early so i could go on the trip. it was an old english transliteration, and it was incredibly difficult but also wicked fun - like working through a word puzzle and a jigsaw puzzle all at the same time. i was pleased, and feeling celebratory after i'd finished, but what significance is a puzzle when you've just managed to destroy someone else's hopes for a better life? i am so pathetic, and i don't know how to make this right.
they say they'd contacted me by mail and maybe they did, one thing guaranteed to send me to fits of anxiety is official looking mail. i tend to put it in a box and leave it until i'm in a good place to handle whatever it is. i can't find the last box so maybe the letter(s) were in there.
i feel awful, and again i've let someone depending on me to do the right thing at the right time, down. i've been having a rough go the last little while. i was doing okay then my mood spiralled down. it was really hard to finish the 1st summer session but i managed okay. 2nd session started and i made an appointment with the p-doc and a new t-doc because i felt/feel like i'm in some trouble. new meds...not helping. new t-doc...better than the old, but i'm not sure about her yet. stress piling on...final paper for summer session due next week and i haven't started yet, as well as thesis issues...feeling overwhelmed, yet again.
the best and worst has been my birthday. i used to call it the lion's season and celebrate the whole month, something big, something little...didn't really matter. this year i thought i'd try to get back to that so i made dinner plans for me and my sister at a nice restaurant...she stood me up. no problem, i had a lovely meal alone, the owner and my waiter felt sorry for me so my wine and pudding were gratis. and i even managed not to feel sorry for myself or overly self-conscious. i'd made plans to go away for a few days after that, just a little trip to a nearby city. i made myself a schedule and kept to it mostly. i felt really good about that - getting out again, enjoying walking and museums. then i screwed up. i made a reservation at a really posh restaurant that does a supper cruise down the river. it sounded beautiful. i really wanted to go, but i was late getting dressed and got lost on my way to the restaurant. instead of pulling myself together, going in and seeing what could be done about it i pulled into an alley and cried. i felt so overwhelmed at that moment, and really it was such a little thing so i felt stupid for feeling overwhelmed. all those feelings and anxieties that ruled my life in the year i was afraid to be outside came roaring back - it was almost like the time in-between had never happened at all. i felt a failure again. i went for fast food and hid out in my hotel room, an evening with wonderful potential wasted because i lack basic social skills and the ability to respond to things like a normal person. i tried to make up for it the next day (my last) and couldn't bring myself to do anything but pack up and go home - where the bomb about the loan dropped.
i take a step forward and three back it seems. i'm so tired of messing up. every mistake feels like it completely wipes away anything good i managed to do. i finished my homework for the week early so i could go on the trip. it was an old english transliteration, and it was incredibly difficult but also wicked fun - like working through a word puzzle and a jigsaw puzzle all at the same time. i was pleased, and feeling celebratory after i'd finished, but what significance is a puzzle when you've just managed to destroy someone else's hopes for a better life? i am so pathetic, and i don't know how to make this right.
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