I said, "no, not yet."

Do you ever have those nights where your body is that numb kind of cold and you're super aware of being alive? Aware to the point where life doesn't feel real anymore and that you'll wake up and what you're feeling now was just some oddly vivid dream? I feel like I can challenge life, like I'm invincible. That if I tried to not wake up tomorrow, I still will and tonight will just have been in my head. I want to wake up. Tonight feels too real. I'm thinking too much about this, too much about that. It's cold in my room and all I can feel is how cold I am. It doesn't feel like anxiety, it doesn't feel like depression. But, it probably is. I'm letting the thoughts of getting closer and closer to falling asleep and waking into a dream run rampent. It just doesn't feel right being alive, but the alternate is to not feel at all and I have to really think about that. It's not scary, but the time to go doesn't seem like it's here just yet. Before I've been told, "no, not yet," and for tonight I feel like he would take me with him, but it's me saying, "no, not yet." this time. I'm giving things a chance to unfold, but it's been over 11 years and I still feel like I'm at the same ledge I started at. I've gotten to experience what it's like to walk away for a little bit, but I always wander back over with curiousity and anticipation coursing through me. Tonight though, I will walk away from the ledge and continue to see what else is out there, and maybe one day the ledge will no longer be there and instead be replaced with undiscovered land, a new direction to explore. Maybe.