I Really Wanted To Walk Next Door Successfully And It Didnt Happen 2 Times

I came in and she commented on how cold it is outside and snow flurrying.  Yes and I want to go next door, I told her.  “You do?”  Yes, I really do to be around real people.  She asked me about what’s in the bag.  I said the letters from my friend but we’ll do that later.  She said she has something to share with me first and didn’t know if it would make a difference to me in wanting to go.  A lady she saw this morning threw up on the parking lot.  I wanted to know if she was sick.  She said no, she has Crohn's disease and thinks it has to do with that.  I said that it’s OK we’ve done 2 at a time before.  It would be OK.    She then handed me a handout about exposures and told some of it we’ve talked about before.  She said I could read it later so I put it down.  She looked at me and commented that we better not wait too long to go – I guess wondering if I needed to go.  “No.”  “Should we go now?” she asked.  “Yes.”  I told her that sometimes I can’t do this and if we just walk over there and come right back it’s OK.  Or if I need to go to the bathroom there that’s OK, too.  Yes.  So we got up to go.  I still had my coat on so I just zipped it up.  We went into the hallway and she got her green coat out of the closet and started to put her beige gloves on.  It was cold outside.  We passed a guy sitting in their waiting room on our way out.  I asked her if she knew where that person threw up outside.  She said no, she was too embarrassed to ask her.  We got to the top of the stairs and I told her as we were walking down, “Just don’t tell me about looking for celebrities.”  She laughed.  “Do you know how funny that was?  First of all we’re in this office building in our city no where near celebrities, in the basement hiding so no one knows what we are doing.  Then you said that!”  She laughed.  She said she was preparing me for the next time I’m in LA but her celebrity was here.  Yes, George Clooney.    So now we were at the bottom of the stairs going out in the parking lot.  I looked around to see if there was any throw up anywhere and said I didn’t see any.  Then it really got hard.  Maybe I sighed but kept walking.  Maybe I told her to say something – maybe not and that was the second time we went.  I can’t remember.  She glanced at me and asked me, “How are you doing?”  I just shook my head no.  “No?” and seemed a little stunned, abruptly stopped and turned around.  We walked back.  “Oh my God” I think was all I could say.  She told me that it’s OK and no one was looking.  She said to take my coat off and put it around me.    We walked back into the building and she told me again about my coat.  I told her it wouldn’t cover because it’s all the way down my legs.  She looked and saw I had extra clothes with me and said, “That’ good.  You are prepared.”  “Yes.”  She told me we’ll go downstairs because someone’s in her waiting room.  She lead the way to look ahead.  She got to the end of hallway and I asked if they were there.  They were.  So she motioned to me to just come behind her.  She walked real fast down that hallway and motioned for me to go into the bathroom with me being behind her a bit.  I thought she was going to go in and talk to them.  There was someone at the front desk so instead she just opened the door to the bathroom and turned on the light for me and I slid in behind her.  Then she left to go down to the end of the hallway by the stairs to wait for me.  That was good she didn’t need to talk to them.  The least involvement the better.  I went in, got changed and came back out.  We walked up the 2 flights of stairs together.  I told her it may have been a good thing to see the throw up outside but we didn’t.  I can’t remember if we talked about anything else.  We got into her office.  In the hallway she hung her coat back up, I passed her and also had to pass the guy therapist exchanging hi’s.  Wonder if he wondered why I was walking in first but why should that matter.  We went back into her office.  She asked me how that was.  “It’s OK,” I told her.  “You tried,” she told me.  I told her that maybe we’ll try again later.  And next time I come I want to bring in or wear black ‘yoga’ pants and practice.  Practice with Little Bertha and for her to tell me if it shows.  If I go a little it’ll be OK.  But if I go a lot like if I don’t get to the bathroom in time or can’t or get scared or for whatever reason, to see if it shows.  Even though I don’t like to, but have an accident again and see if that shows.  She said to bring another pair like those pants if I have another (yes) as well.  And she said to wear the bike shorts under.  Maybe we’ll do one with and one without I told her.    I switched the subject and started talking about this weekend Saturday and Sunday.   I didn’t know about Saturday’s until Friday so we didn’t have a chance to talk about it.  She said and I didn’t have a chance to worry about it.  Yes, but I wasn’t too worried.  I told her how we went to this game place and I had to go out and work with my grandson to get him out of the car.  He of course, wanted to sit next to me when we ate.  Once when I went to the bathroom a friend was in there and we walked back together.  It wasn’t dirty but messy.  My daughter said how she won’t go when it’s like that.  She’ll hold it and wait until she gets home.  My other friend looked at me and said it’s a good thing I don’t think like that.  My therapist smiled.  I told her it’s another one of those, ‘I wish I could be like that’.  So she completely turned it around and asked me, “How many of those people at the table wish they were your size?”  I smiled.  “OK.”  I got her point.    When we were done I was mostly with my daughter and grandson walking around.  It was really nice to go around and be with them.  I knew he wanted to do Skeet Ball.  I asked her if she’s been there and she said yes but it’s been a while.  I told her how it’s in the back.  I needed to go to the bathroom when we were there and decided I shouldn’t try to wait.  I’d need to go right away with going though people (it was crowded) and such.  She nodded yes like that was a good idea.  So I told my daughter I was going and left.    When I was almost there I saw a people standing there in line.  I started to get that panicky feeling and then reminded myself we just did this – I can do this!  It had been a while but we just did this having to stand in line thing last time.   It paid off because I remember because we just practiced it.  Good timing.  I also remember from being in there a couple times earlier that there was another side.  So I went over there and there was no line and I went right in.  But I was ready.  She asked me if there was a line just to get into the bathrooms.  No.    Then we started talking about our girl trip and we were going to meet for breakfast but they decided to do this by conference calling on Wednesday night.  We are not sure where we are going or when this year so we will see.  Last year I really wanted to go to that city where my friend’s friend lives who has cancer.  Some conflicts, though this year with 2 going on a cruise and one going to Chicago where another friend really wanted to go last year.    Then Sunday morning we talked to our guy friend (the husband of one of the girls) and we talked about taking a trip – just the 4 of us – to The Mall Of American and into Canada.  I first said family trip because it used to be family.  I changed it to couples now.  It got me thinking and scared.  He wants to drive and we’d be in his car.  She asked if my husband will go.  Yes.  She said to drive separately is an option.  I said it wasn’t because my friend has already said about how he wants us to all to be together.  She said at least we have about 5 months to “get better” and improve myself.  Yeah.  I didn’t say but I hope so.  I did say later that I couldn’t remember what it was but I wanted to remember to tell her that all this waiting longer and going more is paying off and working.  I just can’t remember the instance.    Then I talked about the kids coming over last night.  At first I was really angry about how they are into their electronics and such.  I was not in a good mood and had got some paints for my grandson’s Pinewood Derby car.  My son’s girlfriend came in and after a bit came in and said hi and gave me a hug.  As the time went on I got out of it.  She comments how good she is for me.  I said how she’s so like me in many ways (we’ve even said) and my other family members aren’t.  She said how nice that is and later commented how she’s running around like I do.  But I can’t get too close or get my hopes up.  No.    Then I said how my middle son is just not the same and I know something’s going on.  I want to say something to him and I will at some point.  She said it was a good idea.  Maybe it’s because he has a girlfriend now.  Maybe it has to do with his job.  Maybe he’s embarrassed of us still (like younger kids are).  But Mom’s know when there’s something wrong.  She smiled.  It’s like he’s really quiet (maybe she’s too talkative) and just not as nice, kind of crabby.    I then went into experiment number 3.  She smiled and knew it was about cleaning up after dinner.  I told her I made sure I went to the bathroom before dinner so I didn’t have that in the way.  I was done way ahead of his girlfriend.  She talks so much she eats slowly.  She even got another plateful and it was hard for me to sit there.  I did for a while and finally, when I couldn’t stand it anymore, got up and started clearing and then she did, too.  My other kids were gone – no where to be seen.  She said how my husband cooked so we’ll clean up.  So she and I did most of it all.  I said how I like it but she’s a guest but maybe will be part of the family.  It’s not fair to her that the other kids don’t help.  She agreed and said I should say next time, in front of her, that we did it and it’s 2 other people’s turn this time.    Now it was time to get out the stack of letters and cards.  I showed her that I separated them and put them in order by date.  I compared it with the little stack of my letters to her and I only wrote them because she wanted me to.  Only a very few.  I needed to go to the bathroom again.  I told her I wanted to go next door again.  She suggested we stay and do the letters.  She wanted this to be a success and didn’t want 2 that were not.  I told her I really wanted to go – to be around people.  Even if we just go over and come right back.  OK.  So we did.    I put my coat on.  She asked about bringing extra clothes (yes) and she got that bag out of her drawer.  I grabbed my purse and we head out.  Again she got her coat from the closet.  We went out into the waiting area and the older couple she sees next were out there.  She commented to them that they are early.  She lady said she thought the massage therapist would be there.  We just kept walking.  As soon as we got out in the hallway we looked at each other.   “That’s OK,” I told her.  She knows I don’t like people to know what we are doing.   I said they are as bad as my kids being so very early.  We went down the stairs.  I can’t remember what we talked about this time.  No idea.  We walked out to the parking lot and then over to their parking lot and inside.  I think she told me that we will just go in, walk around to check and see what they have and then out.  I nodded yes to that.  We walked in.  I went down a closer part to get to the grocery isles though 2 check-outs.  I looked over at her and she was over one more down a main isle, and we met closer to the food isles.  I told her we’ll just walk up and down an isle or two.  We did – up one and down another.  They are very short isles.  “How are you doing?” she asked me.  “OK.”  I think she could tell how hard this was for me.  Usually I say something about the food but this time I didn’t because I had to go too badly or started to freak.  “Do you want to go back?” she asked me.  “Yes.”    We walked back out.  We were about leaving their parking lot and going towards the grassy area between the two parking lots.  I think I sighed.  She could tell I was really starting to struggle.  “Keep it calm she told me.”  I nodded.  I think she said it again.  But by then I was peeing and trying not to trying to keep it in so badly.  I think she could tell even without me saying anything.  Just by the look on my face and I think I bent over once while we were walking.  I remember having my hands in my coat pockets and trying to keep my coat closed and down as far as I could (I don’t think it was zipped this time) so you couldn’t see anything.  I’m not sure it worked very well especially the wetter my pants got.  At least we walked together this time.  I don’t like it when she walks way ahead because I feel so all alone, kind of left alone.  It’s not a privacy thing at this point – she doesn’t look.    As we were walking into the building she asked me which bathroom I wanted to use, upstairs or downstairs.  We knew we couldn’t go into her office because of her next clients in there.  She asked downstairs?  I was hesitant because of the people there in the office.  So she said upstairs and told me no one is around to see anything.  She had just handed me (almost shoved) my bag, that she had been carrying, to help cover just after we got inside.  So we walked upstairs and she was going to go back into her office first and then I could when I was done.  I told her no, those people will wonder why I came back later.  She said they wouldn’t notice or care but she commented how I wanted her to wait for me.  Yes, I did.   We walked down that hall and she lead me to the bathroom door and I went in to change.  Someone came in and into the other stall while I was there.  After we got back into her office I asked her who that was because I didn’t see them.  She didn’t know.  So we walked back, past those people (no talking this time) and then inside, she hung her coat up again and I went on into her office with her right behind me.    She asked me how I was.  “I’m OK.  It’s OK.”  She asked me how I want to feel about it.  I said that it was OK, it happens.  She repeated that and added that I tried.  Yes.  She asked me what I thought happened.  I told her right off the bat I got scared.  She asked me when.  I said the first time was out on the parking lot going over there.  I think it was just going out there doing it.  But I worked through that and it was OK.  But then again when we were going down the isles.  She said it would be OK to use the bathroom there.  That would be OK but she had my clothes.  She said I can just put my arm out and grab the bag from her.  I said I also wanted to think I could do this.  She said what I did was fine, too.  Look at this … 6 times I used the word ‘OK’ in this paragraph – no, now 7 times!  I told her I was glad no one was in there that I knew.  She asked what if there was.  I said if I didn’t know them very well I’d just say hi and keep walking – kind of like a snob.  She asked what if someone wanted to talk.  I told her I’m not sure.  Then we both said I’d say, “I’ll be right back,” and go.  She laughed and said she wondered if they thought we were shoplifters carrying the bag and all.  I laughed too and commented how we come and go so fast.  She said they could check the bag, or purse, and see there was nothing we took.  I told her I brought a couple dollars and wanted to get something but I couldn’t stay.  She said that was OK.  Maybe next time.  Then she asked if we were ready to go back to the stack of letters.  Oh, yes.  I gave her a time line of my friendship with my friend.  We met in high school, I moved, we lost contact, we went to college and after I moved back I was looking through the phone book and saw her name and called her.  Then both of our Moms were in the hospital and we saw each other in the gift shop and then we began doing things and got closer and closer.  My daughter was 6 months old.    I told her I didn’t know what to do with the letters.  It would take forever to read them all.  I did skim a couple.   I thought about highlighting but I don’t know if I want to do that.   She said I could read through and make notes or highlight.  They are probably the same theme.  Yes.  She suggested maybe we read every 10th one.  Then she said that she believes in divine intervention.  Some how we will chose the right ones to read.  I laughed at first but then said she’s probably right.  The letters and cards (first) are basically from the years 1980-1985.  She had her cancer 10 years after that and the letters stopped way before that.  Just at the beginning years of our friendship.    First she asked me what I want from these.  She thinks they are great and an important piece of my life.  She’s impressed that I still have them.  I told her I know what I don’t want to feel.  I said I don’t want to feel in a bad way towards my friend because of them.  She said to use them to understand her.  Right.  I said how I’m not the same – these are from 25-30 years ago.  She said I’ve had personal growth myself.  Yes.  I said that I think my past relationships with friends and my present and future ones are effected by this.  She agreed and wrote this all down.   She said we have time for one and saw the ones with the Valentine’s Day stickers and one that said not to show anyone and tear up.  She said maybe she should read that one.  I did and then one to her sister and me first.  She asked me how my friend was probably feeling – hurt.  I felt a little funny reading it when she said not to.  She said she’s looking down in a different way now.  My therapist thought it was interesting how I was friends with 2 sisters back then and am friends with 2 sisters now.  Yes – and I didn’t plan it that way.  No.    We talked a little about the hugging thing.  She felt the uneasiness and yes it was there.  I am a huggy person but she wanted me to hold on and that made me feel uneasy.  I wanted to do it as a friend.  Her wanting me to ask to do things I said things haven’t changed much with me on that one.  She would sleep over a lot.  She talked about my problem how it was for her.  And she was good with me with my little kids.  She said she put many demands upon me and that wasn’t good.  I was at the end, she stood up a second and sat back down, I glanced at the clock, finished going real fast.  It was time to go.    In leaving I told her I hope it doesn’t snow on Thursday.  She said if it does I can come on Wednesday, just to call her.  I wanted to know if that client of hers was OK.  Did she think she was sick?  She doesn’t think so – just part of her Crohn’s.  I didn’t say but I guess I needed the reassurance because I was sitting right there where she sat.  Also, I didn’t say but there was this strong fishy odor throughout the office.  Maybe some lunch someone had?  Very strong.    So, I left and she told me to have to nice couple days.  Her, too.  OK … so I had 2 accidents today.  It’s OK.  It happens.  I’m not getting upset about it.  No, like she said … she didn’t want me to have 2 accidents.  Neither did I!  I want to be able to go to the store without getting that panicky feeling.  Maybe I’m pushing myself too fast.  Usually we walk over there first without having to go to the bathroom, then again when I do and we don’t buy anything, then again when I do and we buy something.  But I have the confidence in myself that I can do that.  I’ve done it before.  I’ve had a few accidents with her doing these exposures and experiments lately.  But I’m still OK about it.  I hope I can stay that way, I really do.  I don’t like when I feel read badly about myself and not being able to get out of it for a long time.  Could it be like she says?  That I do the exposures so much that I get tired of them and that it doesn’t effect me in a bad way anymore?  Well, I’m OK now and if I get to the point I get a little setback and am not, that’s OK too.  I’ll be OK again.  Does this make sense?  I feel like I’m going around in a circle.  Especially with this word ‘OK!’  I read over the handout she gave me.  It’s very good about doing exposures.  I do think I need to bring it back for us to talk about and relate it to me.  I want to get through them so badly – both the not escalating and all the exposures we do with the having to go to the bathroom and the throw up ones.  It says not to distract yourself and to stay with it until it becomes under control.  I try to distract myself.  Giving myself permission that I don’t have to stay is good but then I don’t want to give up too easily or too soon.  Doing a rehearsal and ‘what ifs’ is good and I think we do that a lot in talking – and actual doing, too.  Anger – oh yes, do I get angry at it!  But I’m not sure if it’s in the right way.  Giving myself a pat on the back I do even when I don’t succeed.  At least I did it and I tried and that’s a good thing, too - trying.  I am proud of what I do in these exposures.  I just want to get over these fears and problems quickly and I think I get discouraged sometimes when I still have them.  I need the 2 p’s:  perseverance (keep trying and don’t give up) and patience.