I REALLY NEED HELP!!!!
I really need some help here. I need the support of ANYONE out there to tell me that I'm not a bad person for all that I have done. I have been sending a few emails to my OW just to keep in touch, and to check on each others' lives. It is all innocent - we haven't seen each other and we haven't even spoke on the phone. We got found out. AM I HORRIBLE??? I mean, AM I??? Is email a bad thing? Especially when it is just finding out how someone is doing? Not to mention we could go months without emailing each other. It was so few and far between. I've got knots in my stomach trying to deal with this. To be quite honest, if someone were to ask me how it started, who started it, and how long we've been emailing - I truly wouldn't even know! That's how it just doesn't seem to matter much to me. She is just another friend out there who has been through the same battle with me.
And another thing, my W and I have been talking about separation and divorce. She is a complete roller coaster ride. She came to bed last night wanting to have sex and then crying when I told her that I was tired. She then started asking questions about what me and the OW did together. That started getting her horny and then started playing with herself. She then gave me head while getting herself off just to make herself feel good I guess. Then she was up half the night crying and sniffling. She finally got out of bed and slept on the couch. I got up and found her on the couch with pills on the table and she was holding a BUTCHER KNIFE in her hand while she was sleeping. When I tried to take it away she started pulling back and saying "please don't take my babies away". I've been an exceptional father, and I've NEVER lead her to believe that I was going to take the kids away from their mom. I sat in utter disbelief about what is going on with this woman. I'm so lost and confused, and sorry, and hurting for my own unhappiness, and hurting for her pain. I can't seem to help her anymore. It's all the smothering and emotional roller coaster BS that lead me to look elsewhere for normalcy and love in the first place, and now it just gets worse and worse.
I just need someone to tell me that I'm not a bad person here. I see this immature person who has so many emotional issues from childhood but won't get help and keeps me only out of pity for her and fear she will either hurt herself or my kids. I simply don't know what to do.
Please - all I need is for ANYONE to help me believe that I'm not a bad person....
And another thing, my W and I have been talking about separation and divorce. She is a complete roller coaster ride. She came to bed last night wanting to have sex and then crying when I told her that I was tired. She then started asking questions about what me and the OW did together. That started getting her horny and then started playing with herself. She then gave me head while getting herself off just to make herself feel good I guess. Then she was up half the night crying and sniffling. She finally got out of bed and slept on the couch. I got up and found her on the couch with pills on the table and she was holding a BUTCHER KNIFE in her hand while she was sleeping. When I tried to take it away she started pulling back and saying "please don't take my babies away". I've been an exceptional father, and I've NEVER lead her to believe that I was going to take the kids away from their mom. I sat in utter disbelief about what is going on with this woman. I'm so lost and confused, and sorry, and hurting for my own unhappiness, and hurting for her pain. I can't seem to help her anymore. It's all the smothering and emotional roller coaster BS that lead me to look elsewhere for normalcy and love in the first place, and now it just gets worse and worse.
I just need someone to tell me that I'm not a bad person here. I see this immature person who has so many emotional issues from childhood but won't get help and keeps me only out of pity for her and fear she will either hurt herself or my kids. I simply don't know what to do.
Please - all I need is for ANYONE to help me believe that I'm not a bad person....
Replies
sigh. i get you. i get your wife. you aren\'t terrible. I honestly think it is honorable (to the OW) to be kind to her. BUT......but.....but...you shouldn\'t have emailed her unless you do want a divorce. It is not honorable to your wife.
Now is time to decide. Wife OR casual chats with OW. Ya can\'t have both. That kind of mindset is what got you into this in the first place.
You are not horrible. I know how you feel as a serial cheater who loves my H but also the OM.
But your wife FEELS horrible. Man up and fix it. Cut all ties to OW. Seriously. And make certain your KNOWS you are DONE being a dick and make her feel safe.
Big hugs.
\"She came to bed last night wanting to have sex and then crying when I told her that I was tired. She then started asking questions about what me and the OW did together. That started getting her horny and then started playing with herself. She then gave me head while getting herself off just to make herself feel good I guess. Then she was up half the night crying and sniffling. She finally got out of bed and slept on the couch. I got up and found her on the couch with pills on the table and she was holding a BUTCHER KNIFE in her hand while she was sleeping. When I tried to take it away she started pulling back and saying \"please don\'t take my babies away\".
ok. she is in a bad place. worse then where you are now. Suck it up and help her. If you want her, and she wants to make love, you need to do that !!!!... or HOLD her. YOU TOLD HER YOUR WERE TIRED!?!?!?
She shouldn\'t be giving you head for your fuck ups. She is groveling. ...feeling utterly worthless, and it is all your fault.
Hold her!!! Make her feel special. Love her. Or leave her. Love her 120 percent. Take her out. Ensure her, repeat yourself that you love her and want her. Don\'t play with her emotions. Don\'t let her give you head. YOu should be giving her head...all day and all night and begging for her forgiveness.
This is your hands sir. I know you feel awful. but you can fix it.
I know you don\'t know me but Kory does and I have to agree with her. Your wife is so far down in a hole right now that she is groveling to you for any positive attention,
Ok, I am the CS in my relationship and I have left my H for many other reasons other than the A. He does not know about OM. That said, I am feeling the need to weigh in.
Your W is more than willing to forgive you from what I\'ve read. In a way you\'re lucky because a lot of spouses are not willing to even consider it. However, either through her own life or the discovery of the A, her self esteem has been destroyed and you\'re right. I do believe she might be suicidal.
WHat happened last night was wrong on so many levels. You turned her down knowing how she felt. But then you let her perform oral sex on you even though you were still tired. She was servicing you. Not making love...she did you a favor. Then I\'m going to assume that afterward she wanted your approval by wanting to be held and that didn\'t happen either.
She is on this roller coaster I\'m guessing because of your A. You need to take responsibility for the piece of her that has been destroyed because of the affair. It seems that you can help her get this piece of herself back if you are willing to do the work. If not, then you need to make that very clear and for god sakes, keep her lips off your junk. If it gives her any hope that you might come back to her and then you tell her no again, you are again pushing her towards that ledge that we are all hoping and praying that she doesn\'t jump off of.
Bottom line Jack. You need to make a decision and stick to it. You are on that very same roller coaster and it needs to come to a stop so one or both of you can exit the car.
You say you\'re not BAD, but you\'re still in contact with the OW?? How is THAT helping your marriage? You told your wife you were too tired to have sex? WOW..How do you think that made HER feel. She knows you weren\'t too tired to have Sex with the OW, but you rejected HER! Honey, i\'m too tired to do something for you, but you can blow ME off. Your wife should do the same to you...leave YOU at home and go have some of her own fun, then we will see how you will feel about her having a \'friend\' too. Pay back is a bitch!
Think about it. God! and NO, the OW isn\'t just another friend who has been through the same thing. She is your SEX partner, the woman you betrayed your wife with. You describe your wife as this immature person who needs help and you only complicate matters by throwing an affair in her face. What a guy, yet you don\'t want us to think you are a bad person. Then what ARE you? What did your affair solve? You had sex - an escape. Did it solve your marital problems? No! You made the problem 100 times worse.
P.S. why arent you still seeing the OW?? Maybe she can be the one to tell you that you aren\'t so bad. If she was worth wrecking your marriage for, why aren\'t you with her for good?