I really can't leave yet

I guess I am addicted to DS...I can't stay away. I still have been reading others journals, just not having any advice or opinions in general. I was told today that I am holding a grudge against my family. It shouldn't be so earth shattering, but it was for me. I have always thought I don't hold grudges, life is too short. But I guess that is what I have been doing for the past 4 years, holding a grudge. Yes my family was absolutely horrible towards me, yes they still are terrible to me. But all I am doing is sitting around collecting evidence of their terribleness and crying over how much they hurt me. Well it has to stop. I can't stop their cruelness that is obvious,but I can stop me from living this stupid life that I have been living. It really is so simple, I just start enjoying the life I have. I am going to school in the fall, I need to enjoy it, No matter what happens to me I need to enjoy it. Everything that is not enjoyable, forget it!  Ignore it. I need to enjoy whatever it is I do. Thanks to many like Trisha and Lisa I have envied you your lives when I read your journals. But what makes you so special is that you live the life you have, you enjoy whatever it is you do, everything else you just forget it or ignore it. I have been desperately trying to make my family something they will never be, happy and loving. So what...I am happy and loving, other than the past 4 years and even during a lot of that time there was a lot of happy and loving times,I just didn't want to give up on my family. But today was a turning point. Last Friday I text-ed my daughter to see how she was feeling last I had heard she was still sick with her strep throat. I got no reply this was at 10:30am by 4:30pm the same day I sent her 3 more texts asking if she was okay and would she respond. Nothing. It drove me over the edge!! I was at Dorothy's which is right next door to my old house and I couldn't check on my daughter to see if she was okay. It still makes me a little crazy. I got so upset I left crying and left my cell at Dorothy's. So yesterday I had no cell phone. It was tough but reality is no body calls me. Today because I was having trouble with the internet, I was told to call the company that services the park to get help. Well I couldn't. So I went to Dorothy's just to get my phone. She said it rang several times, so I checked, sure enough there was a text from my daughter sent at 7:35pm and I quote "Stop f*****g texting me, you are smothering me!" All I was asking was she okay, please respond. I hated the thought that she was so sick she needed help and no one was there. So I was concerned when she didn't answer or rather respond. I didn't think I was smothering her as several hours went by between texts and I stopped at 4:30pm. She is not the girl I raised, I can't believe she can think it is okay to use that kind of language to her mother. My husband never used that language and neither did I. Her brother NEVER uses that language and generally won't speak or be friends with people who do. So this is something that is unique to her. I have to stop and remember this is not the first time in the past 4 years that in front of others she puts on an act of total and complete innocence about not talking or being with me and agreeing to be friendly and normal. But the minute she is alone with me, she is god awful. She will never be the sweet little girl I remember, she doesn't want to be. She will never be polite to "me" except when forced to in front of others. My family will never be what I had hopped they would be or as I tried to raise them. So I must forget them. I know, I know I will never forget them completely. But they are from the past and must remain there. I deleted every text I have ever gotten from my children, I took their pictures off my cell phone, everything is now generic or something calming that I like. I will never call, text or email or in any shape or form try to contact any of them again. Yes I will have more days in the future when I will miss them and I might even cry about it, but not for long. Several of you from DS also have children that you rarely see or talk too, I must now join those ranks. My son will be here in San Diego on Wednesday, I will not contact him. If he calls me yeah, if he doesn't oh well. Yes that may cause some tears, but not as many as I would have cried had Dorothy not told me I am holding a grudge against them. I am... and I don't like grudges. In fact I HATE grudges. It has really shaken me up like nothing else could have. I do not want to spend the rest of my short life holding a grudge against anyone. So good bye grudge, good bye rotten family, hello happiness and joy. Hello only good memories if I even bother to remember the past. Today is all there is. I hope I can keep this in my mind so I don't fall back to my old way. I want to be known as a happy person, not a miserable old bat who just constantly bemoans how her rotten family treats her. So hello tomorrow. Thanks everyone for all your help. If I start whining again, PLEASE let me know what I am doing is whining!