I need your advice, please!
My husband was married from 1980-1988 to his first wife. My husband and I met in 1997 and got married in 1999 and he passed away in 2009 ...so I never met her. She found out that he died last week and wrote me letters full of questions...such as how he did it and if I was the one who found him. I just told her that I was having a hard time and really didn't think I could talk about it right now. She called my mother in law and they had a long talk. My husband had told me she left him for another guy but she told his mom it was something else that made it all his fault. Now she is friends with all my inlaws on Facebook. She asked to be my friend but I just couldn't. It's not that I have anything really against her. I just don't know her and don't really want to share all the personal stuff between Billy and I. She told me if I ever felt like sharing or had questions to let her know. She said she was broken hearted and he was her best friend and she couldn't imagine not talking to him again. When would she have talked to him? She left him and they haven't had contact since she left in 1988. I am not a mean spirited person but this is really hurting me and I have to get it out. My mother in law even signed her facebook message to his ex as "Mom". Now she (his ex) posted that she was glad there was a FB page for Billy. It's the one he had when he was alive but she saw that his mom became his friend recently so she thinks its new. I got on his account and invited his mom because she wanted to see his page. So she (his ex) sent a request to be friends with him too. I don't want to accept the friendship because that is where I go to write him letters. The only people left on his account besides me, is his mom, sister, and brother. Why am I feeling all these emotions??? I don't know what to do. I am really miserable seeing her name everytime I go to one of his families FB walls. I am the kind of person who sort of stands back so I haven't written on their walls much. I don't really want her to see what I say to them since I didn't accept her friendship request. Has anyone else been in this situation? I know she had a place in his life but it was so long ago....and she's married now with two kids. Am I mean or just crazy? :S I would really appreciate any advice you can give because this is really causing my heart to hurt...Maybe I'm jealous of her relationship with them because they're all I have left of him? I know I'm rambling...but I just don't know what to do. I know I can't tell his family what to do so I just have to accept that they are going to be friends now. Another thing that bothers me is that some people have acted as if I should be over the pain by now. It's been a year and a half. It breaks my heart as if it were yesterday...but I rarely get emotional around anyone. I just cry when I'm alone sometimes...but my heart aches to have him back. I think of him every morning and every night...It was such a shock to come home that day and find what he had done...I honestly think it's changed me for life...arrrghhh...help, please!!!
Replies
Hi, I understand how you feel. When my fiance\' died, his ex-wife came to the wake and to the funeral. She was instrumental in helping his daughter put photo boards together (all the photos of her time with him went right next to the coffin and mine were in another room). She posted on a Facebook page as if she had had the most recent relationship with him and had all the \"inside\" info. In her case, I think she just wanted attention, but still, it hurt.
In your case it sounds like his death has come as a shock and is a novelty to his ex, and if you leave it alone she will fade away again. I don\'t blame you for not wanting to be accountable to her. I think the way you handled it with her is fine. If she was that important to him, they would\'ve maintained a friendship for all these years. She probably just got sucked into a kind of time warp, remembering her youthful years in a romanticized way. The same thing could apply to your mother-in-law. Maybe the renewal of her relationship with her EX daughter-in-law brought back a part of her son\'s life that she had more or less forgotten about.
The bottom line is that you know what you had with him, you know what was real. You don\'t have to answer to anyone else. You know how he felt about you, and that you were the most important person in his life. Hold that knowledge close. If you don\'t give this current situation any oxygen it will die out. Just try to imagine what your husband would say about it. Big hugs to you, Amy
Oh Jeannie - how hard this seems for you. It is a frought difficulty and there is no real answer. Our hearts are so deceitful - we can even deceive our own minds. This does not help, but I guess you have to learn to live with it. Like I will have to learn to live with my new girlfriends\' ex. There are no answers - you just have to work it through. Maybe you are over-analysing? John
Aww. Jeannie. I feel for you. Al of this with his ex wife is bringing back your own loss more to the surface. It\'s ok that you do not want to be friends with her on FaceBook. You are in the midst of your own grief and she is NOT helping and you NEED to take care of yourself, so you do not need to answer to her or be involved in any way with her. That which happened to you with Billy\'s death, has impacted your life in a profound way and it takes time to get thru all the emotions associated with it. Give yourslef time and patience and allow yourself to feel these feelings, as hard as it is. In the end, it will help you if you do. It\'s ok to cry and be sad, angry and anything else you feel. If you need any support, I am always here for you. I will pray for you.
I think id be upset too, you have every right, to expect ,HER to be respectful, to you,.. for shame, on her, for putting her current family aside, while she reaps comfort, from her OLD family, your current, family!!! cant help what her current hubby thinks either,.. , its been just over 18 months for me 2 April since my wife passed, and people tell me too, what, ? your not over it yet,? you should be dating, meeting women,.. , living life,.. no one understands, having your entire family ripped out from under you, it eats at your soul,.. learning to survive, alone, wow, thats what we lived thru, and pretty strong, for even making it, I think I also think, the other comment is wise, just wait a while, she\'ll be gone, soon, just like before,... Im counting on it, wishing the best for you,.. your friend, Dave
Thanks to all of you for helping me out. I believe the advice was very wise, so I\'m just going to try to hang in there and hope she gets bored and leaves! Everyone\'s situation is different and people are different so it\'s almost cruel for someone to think you\'re mourning too long or dealing with a problem in the wrong way. \"Walk a mile in my shoes\" is an extremely valid saying. In my case my husband died by suicide and I doubt I will ever completely get over it. And having an ex is not a fun thing. I think that must be why God wants people to stay married! He knows what type of problems and pain divorce can cause! Of course, there are circumstances when that\'s the only choice. Again, thank you so much. It helped me more than you know to be encouraged and understood. I wish you all the best! Hugs, Jeannie