I need to get this off my chest.
Well the past few days have been interesting. This weekend...hmm I hung out w ith a friend and went to group. I promised my friend I would hang out with her on Sunday at 2. Well it is noon and I ate lnch. I have been constipated all week, so after the meal, I felt like I was going to burst. My stomach hurt so much! So what do I do? I eat more. I had 2 yogurts with fiber 1 cereal. Then I start craving chocolate. SO I run to the store and buy 9 cookies. Well my husband is home so I can't purge. I tell him I am taking a shower and attempt to purge, but I am afraid that he is going to come in and know what I am doing. The anxiety makes it so nothing comes up. I take like a 2 min shower and head out to "starbucks" but really, I am thinking of ipecac again. I went to a store, they don't have it. So In frustration I go to starbucks and buy 6 cookies there and 6 rice crispy treats. Mind you, these are the HUGE cookies and HUGE rice crispy treats. I go to another store, desperate for ipecac. My stomach hurts soooo much. They have it and I take it. This is all at 2 when I am supposed to meet my friend. So I go home and instantly purge. I purge like 5 times, wash up, and go to barnes and noble to meet my friend. I am dizzy, my heart is pounding, I feel like death. But I bear with it, and sit at the table. I am supposed to be reading and helping her with her hw, but I cant get my head off the table!!! After an hour of pretending, I go home. The real problem is, that yesterday I wanted to do the whole episode again, and I feel like today I will want to do it again. I don't know what to do, I know that if I start down that path again, all hell is going to break lose and I will end up at a hospital. I need support SO bad, but my husband is unavailible, all my friends either dont know or have their own problems. and I am still alone. Get this too, I am the official captain of a weight loss competition. I have to make their meal plans, give them tips, etcetc. how funny is that?? I also am trying to "save people" who have ED and other issues, but their not listening to me. I also have no job anf my husband does not want me toget another one, but he also doesnt want to take care of me financially...I dont get it either. My life is in turmoil, I can't t stop crying, I hate myself and my life.
Replies
Honey you\'re going through so much and putting so much pressure on yourself. You need to look after yourself before you try and help others. Why is your husband unavailable? Binge/purge cycles are frighteningly addictive and make us feel like doing it again. You\'re doing really well to journal it out. If getting a job will help you to have routine and focus you need to try and get one. If your husband is objecting it is probably a control thing, i don\'t know about your relationship, but i would guess thismight be making things worse for you. Here for you if you ever need to chat.
First of all stop taking Epicac. You are going to kill yourself.
Second of all, stop thinking about yesterday, the more you think about it the worse it will be. Keep yourself busy, away from food, away from whomever is pissing you off. Dont get triggered.
I understand because I am living this hell. I am truly not afraid of hell because I live it! Do something different tomorrow and don\'t listen to the voice that tricks you into the same rountine. Go to a park to walk around. Even if it is 5 or 10 minutes, breath and believe that things change. You have to change to, or should I say I have to change (don\'t want to write things you have to do - speak in the I form) Prayers to you.