I need to "GET A GRIP!"
I thought I had covered all the tracks...told everyone who knew we were pregnant that we had lost our baby, so it would avoid awkward moments. I forgot the wonderful staff at our vet's office. (I had to take our big sweet lug in for veterinary care before the my husband's last paycheck runs out...) When we walked in, the whole staff lit up and immediately greeted me with warm, "How is the pregnant lady feeling?!" and such. Tears ran down my cheeks and I explained that we had lost our baby. Two of the ladies burst into tears and ran to hug me...of course feeling horrible that they had asked. I think I wanted to make sure people knew about our loss ahead of time to AVOID THEIR HURT FEELINGS, because I could not imagine how horrible I would feel in their shoes. I failed these sweet ladies. Awful.
Our vet is the most tender, wonderful man...when he came into the exam room, his eyes were red and full of tears. He said "I am so sorry! They just told me..." To which, I promptly burst into tears. He handed me a stack of GAUZE PADS (LOL) to dab my eyes! LOL Anyhow, I sure wish I had remembered these beautiful people with their huge hearts.
It was our 180 lb Mastiff who needed to be seen. He has been grieving the loss of our baby with us. For those of you who aren't too keen on pets, you can skip this part...But our sweet boy, Duke, KNEW before we did, when I was pregnant. He became even MORE of a shadow to me...putting his head on my lap all the time when I sat down...putting his muzzle right against my tummy all the time. I kept wondering what was up with him? When we found out that we were pregnant, we knew that he was acting that way because he knew we had a "puppy" on the way. :-)
When we lost Matthew, Duke became distraught. We have all been crying so much, and he started licking a little spot on his leg until it was raw. We saw the animal behaviorist and she said it was grief-driven. He was so upset that he worried and worried at this spot kind of as an OCD comforting mechanism. (She said it IS a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder!!) lol Anyhow, he is the sweetest thing in the world. 180 lbs of pure, unconditional love...and right now...180 lbs of grief, too.
Well, as if the vet's visit wasn't enough of an emotional drain, we then had to run off to Seattle Children's Hospital with sweet little Sophia (isn't she precious in her 18 month picture?) They are still trying to get to the bottom of her pain and problems. Gee...I thought our $4,000/mo OUT OF POCKET medical expenses (after insurance) would have been enough, but the poor sweet angel suffers away.
So...the Xray technician had to do her job...poor unsuspecting girl. "Mom, is there any chance you are pregnant?" INSTANT WATERWORKS as I eeked out, "No..." Then I realized by her shocked expression I should probably explain my insane reaction to her everyday question, so I did. She was wonderful, but I couldn't help but wonder internally "When will I stop acting like a raving lunatic over this?!?!?" Normal strangers have NO idea what is going on and don't deserve to have me fall apart on them! I need to get a grip!
Then came a little brag moment...Sophia is VERY VERY used to having her blood drawn, and they always have a terrible time doing it..her veins do not cooperate. For little kids, they have the child sit in your lap and you are supposed to hold them (kind of in a straight-jacket grip) so they can't move during the blood draw. Not so for Sophia. She sits in my lap like she's about to listen to a story or see something of interest. She holds out her arm like it is no big deal.
Today, the tech put the tourniquet on and then poked her and missed the vein...he had to fish around for it. (he was very sweet and said, "is it ok if I move the needle?" Sophia said, "Sure!" and then while he twisted it all around, she gave him encouragement in her little angelic voice, "There you go! Good job! You got it! That's better!" etc. etc.
After all that, he got it into the vein, but there wasn't enough force to fill the tubes, so he had to change arms and stab her all over again..and fish around again! HORRIBLE to watch! But, Sophia is so sweet that SHE THANKED HIM!!! She told him he did a great job!! She is ONLY TWO! He told her she earned 10 stickers for being so amazing!! This little girl is the sweetest, most brave and patient thing in the world!!
Also, while the tech was getting ready for the draw, Sophia blew him away by pointing out letters on the posters in the room and telling him the SOUNDS they make!! She counted to 15 when he asked if she knew numbers...(normally she pretends she doesn't know anything, but he caught her at a good moment...LOL). IT JUST MADE ME FEEL SO PROUD OF HER!! THANK you, GOD for those little gifts in the middle of my emotional wreck of a day!!!
And my wonderful most amazing husband...he still wants to wait to TTC. I have been praying fervently for a change of heart for him...we still have almost 2 weeks though, since I started my first cycle on Friday, right? Plenty of time for God to work on him! He told me that he had a dream last night that we had another baby girl. I should have felt happy to hear that, but I thought to myself, "if we wait until things are perfect to TTC, THAT will ONLY ever be a dream!" ARGH
He needs me right now. He is grieving our baby and also grieving his job. PRAISE GOD his Board of Directors LOVE him and agreed to continue our medical insurance until March, or we would not be able to take care of Sophia and all this medical stuff. In the meantime, please pray for an awesome job for him! God could make that happen in the next 2 weeks, too, you know! :-) Then we BOTH win! lol
I'd better go give Duke some extra hugs now...I think I need 'em! lol :-)
Our vet is the most tender, wonderful man...when he came into the exam room, his eyes were red and full of tears. He said "I am so sorry! They just told me..." To which, I promptly burst into tears. He handed me a stack of GAUZE PADS (LOL) to dab my eyes! LOL Anyhow, I sure wish I had remembered these beautiful people with their huge hearts.
It was our 180 lb Mastiff who needed to be seen. He has been grieving the loss of our baby with us. For those of you who aren't too keen on pets, you can skip this part...But our sweet boy, Duke, KNEW before we did, when I was pregnant. He became even MORE of a shadow to me...putting his head on my lap all the time when I sat down...putting his muzzle right against my tummy all the time. I kept wondering what was up with him? When we found out that we were pregnant, we knew that he was acting that way because he knew we had a "puppy" on the way. :-)
When we lost Matthew, Duke became distraught. We have all been crying so much, and he started licking a little spot on his leg until it was raw. We saw the animal behaviorist and she said it was grief-driven. He was so upset that he worried and worried at this spot kind of as an OCD comforting mechanism. (She said it IS a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder!!) lol Anyhow, he is the sweetest thing in the world. 180 lbs of pure, unconditional love...and right now...180 lbs of grief, too.
Well, as if the vet's visit wasn't enough of an emotional drain, we then had to run off to Seattle Children's Hospital with sweet little Sophia (isn't she precious in her 18 month picture?) They are still trying to get to the bottom of her pain and problems. Gee...I thought our $4,000/mo OUT OF POCKET medical expenses (after insurance) would have been enough, but the poor sweet angel suffers away.
So...the Xray technician had to do her job...poor unsuspecting girl. "Mom, is there any chance you are pregnant?" INSTANT WATERWORKS as I eeked out, "No..." Then I realized by her shocked expression I should probably explain my insane reaction to her everyday question, so I did. She was wonderful, but I couldn't help but wonder internally "When will I stop acting like a raving lunatic over this?!?!?" Normal strangers have NO idea what is going on and don't deserve to have me fall apart on them! I need to get a grip!
Then came a little brag moment...Sophia is VERY VERY used to having her blood drawn, and they always have a terrible time doing it..her veins do not cooperate. For little kids, they have the child sit in your lap and you are supposed to hold them (kind of in a straight-jacket grip) so they can't move during the blood draw. Not so for Sophia. She sits in my lap like she's about to listen to a story or see something of interest. She holds out her arm like it is no big deal.
Today, the tech put the tourniquet on and then poked her and missed the vein...he had to fish around for it. (he was very sweet and said, "is it ok if I move the needle?" Sophia said, "Sure!" and then while he twisted it all around, she gave him encouragement in her little angelic voice, "There you go! Good job! You got it! That's better!" etc. etc.
After all that, he got it into the vein, but there wasn't enough force to fill the tubes, so he had to change arms and stab her all over again..and fish around again! HORRIBLE to watch! But, Sophia is so sweet that SHE THANKED HIM!!! She told him he did a great job!! She is ONLY TWO! He told her she earned 10 stickers for being so amazing!! This little girl is the sweetest, most brave and patient thing in the world!!
Also, while the tech was getting ready for the draw, Sophia blew him away by pointing out letters on the posters in the room and telling him the SOUNDS they make!! She counted to 15 when he asked if she knew numbers...(normally she pretends she doesn't know anything, but he caught her at a good moment...LOL). IT JUST MADE ME FEEL SO PROUD OF HER!! THANK you, GOD for those little gifts in the middle of my emotional wreck of a day!!!
And my wonderful most amazing husband...he still wants to wait to TTC. I have been praying fervently for a change of heart for him...we still have almost 2 weeks though, since I started my first cycle on Friday, right? Plenty of time for God to work on him! He told me that he had a dream last night that we had another baby girl. I should have felt happy to hear that, but I thought to myself, "if we wait until things are perfect to TTC, THAT will ONLY ever be a dream!" ARGH
He needs me right now. He is grieving our baby and also grieving his job. PRAISE GOD his Board of Directors LOVE him and agreed to continue our medical insurance until March, or we would not be able to take care of Sophia and all this medical stuff. In the meantime, please pray for an awesome job for him! God could make that happen in the next 2 weeks, too, you know! :-) Then we BOTH win! lol
I'd better go give Duke some extra hugs now...I think I need 'em! lol :-)
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