I need help.
I think I am honestly going crazy. I'm so depressed I can barely do the dishes. My house is a wreck and I just want to sleep and not think about it but all I can do is think about it. She should be here with me! She should be walking and talking and running around making a mess.
It just never goes away. Ever. It has never been this bad since the first week after her birth/death. There is a literal stabbing pain in my heart like I want to cry but the tears won't come unless it's random and in weird places, when I'm driving especially.
I flunked my class, I'm not going to the state university I've been dreaming of for years. And I feel like a lazy asshole for not even trying, but I did try! I just crashed and burned, it hurts too much, I don't want to do anything anymore. God I sound like a crazy person, but this is how I feel and I can't tell anyone about it because they will lock me up and throw away the key! But seriously my sister or friends would just tell me to go back to therapy but I'm too scared to.
I don't know what else to say. But I'm hurting really really bad and I've always been a strong person, I have been through alot in my life. I've been repeatedly raped, neglected by my schizophrenic mom, abandoned by my alcoholic father. My brother in law beat the crap out of me all the time and gave me drugs and alcohol when I was only 14. I've been through foster care, juvie,and homelessness. And I pulled my life out of the gutter, I got off drugs and got my GED at 17 and started working and went to college.
when I got pregnant I thought God was finally blessing me with the family I never had. Then I lost her and now there's this huge Gaping hole in my life where all the love I had to give her is gone. I feel like a huge failure. I swore I would protect her from all the crap I went through but in the end I couldn't even give her life. What kind of mother am I that I can't even give my baby girl life.
I'm sorry. All my journal writings are so negative and mad or sad, but I come to DS to say these things because you all understand what it is to lose the most precious thing in your world, you know what it is to try to rebuild your life after something this terrible. But I think I'm losing this fight, I think life finally knocked me out. Life cannot always be this hard. I know it.
I remember being unbelievably happy when I was pregnant, I know life holds alot of happiness, but I can't seem to make myself get up and find some. Maybe I need down time to heal, or maybe I need to push myself harder. Who knows.
I just think I need to feel this right now. I have to feel the anger and hurt and agony of losing her, because I have to move on somehow. This month is going to be hell but I can do it. And in the end I will be 20 times stronger and more willing to fight for what I want in life. I want to be happy, I want to get my degree and have a family, and I will one day. But today I'm going to be sad and cry. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
It just never goes away. Ever. It has never been this bad since the first week after her birth/death. There is a literal stabbing pain in my heart like I want to cry but the tears won't come unless it's random and in weird places, when I'm driving especially.
I flunked my class, I'm not going to the state university I've been dreaming of for years. And I feel like a lazy asshole for not even trying, but I did try! I just crashed and burned, it hurts too much, I don't want to do anything anymore. God I sound like a crazy person, but this is how I feel and I can't tell anyone about it because they will lock me up and throw away the key! But seriously my sister or friends would just tell me to go back to therapy but I'm too scared to.
I don't know what else to say. But I'm hurting really really bad and I've always been a strong person, I have been through alot in my life. I've been repeatedly raped, neglected by my schizophrenic mom, abandoned by my alcoholic father. My brother in law beat the crap out of me all the time and gave me drugs and alcohol when I was only 14. I've been through foster care, juvie,and homelessness. And I pulled my life out of the gutter, I got off drugs and got my GED at 17 and started working and went to college.
when I got pregnant I thought God was finally blessing me with the family I never had. Then I lost her and now there's this huge Gaping hole in my life where all the love I had to give her is gone. I feel like a huge failure. I swore I would protect her from all the crap I went through but in the end I couldn't even give her life. What kind of mother am I that I can't even give my baby girl life.
I'm sorry. All my journal writings are so negative and mad or sad, but I come to DS to say these things because you all understand what it is to lose the most precious thing in your world, you know what it is to try to rebuild your life after something this terrible. But I think I'm losing this fight, I think life finally knocked me out. Life cannot always be this hard. I know it.
I remember being unbelievably happy when I was pregnant, I know life holds alot of happiness, but I can't seem to make myself get up and find some. Maybe I need down time to heal, or maybe I need to push myself harder. Who knows.
I just think I need to feel this right now. I have to feel the anger and hurt and agony of losing her, because I have to move on somehow. This month is going to be hell but I can do it. And in the end I will be 20 times stronger and more willing to fight for what I want in life. I want to be happy, I want to get my degree and have a family, and I will one day. But today I'm going to be sad and cry. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Replies
*hugs* we believe in you
hugs we are here if you need to vent.
You have been through so much. You may be right about feeling the anger and hurt right now. I believe that sometimes we do just have to feel it and work through it. Of course, opening yourself to that pain can be so difficult. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day and more good enters your life. Hugs, Corrine
Life does suck at times but I\'ve noticed that the more we go through in life the harder it is to knock us down or out. The loss of a child is harder than anything we can ever imagine experience in life. It is the loss of dreams, hopes... the lack of a chance to live life and the connection between mother and child allows us to grieve for our babies.
Praying that you are feeling better today.
Hugs!!!
N.