I need advice

hi, im new to this so i dont really know what i am doing but i need to get something off my chest i have so much pain and guilt in my heart i just need advice, or someone to talk to, i feel like im going crazy. Like my world is falling apart iv been surrounded by so much bad that i don’t know when anything good comes along. When im happy it quickly fades because i feel like something bad will happen and usually it does. I am very depressed i don’t know what to do. When i was 16 i was sexually abused by a family member for about two years i blame myself i feel disgusted and embarrassed i got the courage to finally let my mom and step dad know at the age of 18. It finally stopped and i was relieved, But at the same time i felt like they didn’t understand they would look at me and ask why i didnt scream or fight, people don’t understand the feelings you have until they are in that situation it is like u are frozen and watching your self from above i felt i had no power its like if a speeding car was headed towards you and all you had to do was jump out the way easy right? No cause u get scared and you are stuck its not easy to just jump out the way, cause u feel paralyzed and no matter how many times a speeding car will be headed towards you if its the 2nd or 10th time those feelings are still replayed like its the first time. I was still frozen. But i was fighting for those years i just felt worthless and scared to say anything thinking people would blame me the way i blame myself. I still have to deal with seeing his face on occasions and family events and it has been killing me and ripping a piece of me everytime that is because i didnt want to go to the authorities. I was scared and embarrassed. I am 19 now and my feelings are all over the place i can’t interact with guys in a relationship sexually cause thats all i think about is that situation then they get mad because i dont say whats wrong i just leave. I know i have very much to be grateful for but i am so tired and sad I already feel dead inside. If anyone reads this i am really willing to listen to any kind of advice