I need a plan
Here I am, nearing the end of yet another 2ww and feeling the anxiety grow each day. There are so many what-if's and unknowns and endless waiting. I find myself obsessing over the numbers and dates.
Pre-miscarriage, I ovulated CD17 of a 32 day cycle, like clockwork. Post-miscarriage, nothing has worked like it should. This cycle we did Femara and I ovulated on CD14/15 (positive OPK CD14, but pain didn't go away till CD15, so not sure). So now I don't really know when to expect AF or when is a reliable time to test. I want to wait until I know the result would be accurate so that I can just deal with the news without questions or wonderings.
And I seriously can't figure out why God made all of the pregnancy signs exactly the same as the AF is coming signs. I mean, couldn't he have just made it so that if you're pregnant, your boobs get stripes or polka dots? Something that you could for sure go "Ah. Yup. That's definitely different." I mean, it just seems like a gross oversight on his part.
Right now I am 14po. My normal (pre-miscarriage) luteal phase was always 16 days. In a normal cycle I don't really get cramps - or any symptoms really - until the day before AF arrives. I get crampy, tired, slightly sore boobs and nauseous. I've had constant cramps and lower back pain for about a week now. It feels exactly like the cramps I had in the first weeks of my pregnancy in September - like AF is going to start any minute. So, that gets me hoping.
But it's easier to take the disappointment and sadness if that's what you expected in the first place. So I make myself stop the 'what if I am' thoughts and focus on the 'when I'm not' thoughts. And those stress me out because I don't have a plan. I really don't know what to do next. Go back to a specialist, I guess. I don't want to see the same one though. He was an ass. So I'd have to find another one. And they'll probably just tell us to move forward with an IUI. Which we can't afford. So what's the point? But I don't want to just do nothing and give up. Maybe just try another cycle of Femara. It was MUCH more doable than the Clomid.
I hate not having a plan. Not having the next step already in my head.
So wishing that none of us had to go through this hell over and over again.
Pre-miscarriage, I ovulated CD17 of a 32 day cycle, like clockwork. Post-miscarriage, nothing has worked like it should. This cycle we did Femara and I ovulated on CD14/15 (positive OPK CD14, but pain didn't go away till CD15, so not sure). So now I don't really know when to expect AF or when is a reliable time to test. I want to wait until I know the result would be accurate so that I can just deal with the news without questions or wonderings.
And I seriously can't figure out why God made all of the pregnancy signs exactly the same as the AF is coming signs. I mean, couldn't he have just made it so that if you're pregnant, your boobs get stripes or polka dots? Something that you could for sure go "Ah. Yup. That's definitely different." I mean, it just seems like a gross oversight on his part.
Right now I am 14po. My normal (pre-miscarriage) luteal phase was always 16 days. In a normal cycle I don't really get cramps - or any symptoms really - until the day before AF arrives. I get crampy, tired, slightly sore boobs and nauseous. I've had constant cramps and lower back pain for about a week now. It feels exactly like the cramps I had in the first weeks of my pregnancy in September - like AF is going to start any minute. So, that gets me hoping.
But it's easier to take the disappointment and sadness if that's what you expected in the first place. So I make myself stop the 'what if I am' thoughts and focus on the 'when I'm not' thoughts. And those stress me out because I don't have a plan. I really don't know what to do next. Go back to a specialist, I guess. I don't want to see the same one though. He was an ass. So I'd have to find another one. And they'll probably just tell us to move forward with an IUI. Which we can't afford. So what's the point? But I don't want to just do nothing and give up. Maybe just try another cycle of Femara. It was MUCH more doable than the Clomid.
I hate not having a plan. Not having the next step already in my head.
So wishing that none of us had to go through this hell over and over again.
Replies
CD14 and you haven\'t peed on everything in site to find out.,....now that my friend is will power at its finest!!! Kuddos for you for not giving into the temptation to POAS.
I agree that striped or polka dot boobs would be way better than 2 weeks of anxiety, not knowing, obsessing and googling till our fingers hurt.
I don\'t know how many rounds of clomid/femara you\'ve done but it can take multiple rounds to be successful, which I think is crap...it should work the first time, thats its job! But alas, that is not reality.
I am in my TWW as well and I am focusing on staying neutral this time around but also telling myself that this could be the time! There is no reason it couldn\'t possibly happen this cycle. Doesn\'t mean I am truly optimistic, it just mean that I am not creating a negative environment and then ending up with a negatively self fullfilled prophecy. Its not easy but I remind myself and refocus myself multiple times throughout the day....
It sounds like you will know soon though and I am crossing everything I have that this is your time for a miracle.
XOXO
\"So I make myself stop the \'what if I am\' thoughts and focus on the \'when I\'m not\' thoughts. \".....WOW I do this SAME thing! It\'s like one bad thing to the other! I agree with you on the period/pregnancy symptoms....during my TWW all I do is feel my boobs to see if they are sore then remember that they get like that before my period too...ugh....I really hope you get a good surprise and you are actually BFP!
I think maybe making an appointment with a new RE (who\'s NOT an ass) is the beginning to your new plan, I\'ve learned that just doing that can make use feel we have more control over this uncontrollable situation. ((HUGS))
I love the polka dot boob idea! Sorry this whole thing is so frustrating. Are you going to POAS?
Probably tomorrow morning. I thought about it today, but decided I didn\'t want to be at work all day, either way the answer turns out. Since I have tomorrow off, figured it was a better day to test.