"I", my word of the day...
I guess that's not surprising since yesterday it was the word "mine"... as yesterday went on and the word "mine" sunk in, I began to move into that word "I" most specifically, "Who am I"...
What a question.... who am I? I was wife, mother, grandmother, provider, family member. And while the wife part is now over, it's got me taking a deeper look at myself.
And I'm afraid. Silly, isn't it? Afraid of being alone, afraid of ending up with another alcoholic, afraid of making relationship mistakes, afraid of the future, afraid of failure. What in the world would I fail at? Life? So silly.
I think I said before that I'm having issues at work. Nothing major, but all of the events taking place this month have got me looking at where I am and I don't like it. I've been lied to more times than I can count, and the person doing the lying is now moving into harassment. I have no patience for that crap. And I KNOW I should never make any decisions while grieving. But I can't help looking... after 10 years of working here, I am only earning $1.00 an hour more than people they've just hired. I can't afford health insurance, and in another year probably won't even be able to afford a phone. This HAS to change...
And I think alot about "home"... most specifically where I grew up in Wisconsin... family was more supportive, closer this year than ever before, and I love that. And I think lots too about how much more opportunity there is there in EVERYTHING. Here, people can barely feed themselves, much less spend on extras. And I COULD rent out the house - keeping income coming in - and explore this more... but also leave friends, dear friends who've helped me through so much... and leave the hills? I love the hills most of all...
My friends begin dropping off their dogs tonite for the week. I love watching them. And thinking about their coming has me thinking that maybe, just maybe, this is a career change I need to pursue even further. I don't even know if I could survive doing it. But MAN, I would love it if I could... or should I go back to checking into those real estate classes again?
I have to wait... wait for the grief to pass... wait for the IRS to claim whatever they're going to claim out of the remaining inheritance... and then I'll know. Know where I'm going to go... what I'm going to try.... take a chance on that failure. Or should I say success?
Later.
What a question.... who am I? I was wife, mother, grandmother, provider, family member. And while the wife part is now over, it's got me taking a deeper look at myself.
And I'm afraid. Silly, isn't it? Afraid of being alone, afraid of ending up with another alcoholic, afraid of making relationship mistakes, afraid of the future, afraid of failure. What in the world would I fail at? Life? So silly.
I think I said before that I'm having issues at work. Nothing major, but all of the events taking place this month have got me looking at where I am and I don't like it. I've been lied to more times than I can count, and the person doing the lying is now moving into harassment. I have no patience for that crap. And I KNOW I should never make any decisions while grieving. But I can't help looking... after 10 years of working here, I am only earning $1.00 an hour more than people they've just hired. I can't afford health insurance, and in another year probably won't even be able to afford a phone. This HAS to change...
And I think alot about "home"... most specifically where I grew up in Wisconsin... family was more supportive, closer this year than ever before, and I love that. And I think lots too about how much more opportunity there is there in EVERYTHING. Here, people can barely feed themselves, much less spend on extras. And I COULD rent out the house - keeping income coming in - and explore this more... but also leave friends, dear friends who've helped me through so much... and leave the hills? I love the hills most of all...
My friends begin dropping off their dogs tonite for the week. I love watching them. And thinking about their coming has me thinking that maybe, just maybe, this is a career change I need to pursue even further. I don't even know if I could survive doing it. But MAN, I would love it if I could... or should I go back to checking into those real estate classes again?
I have to wait... wait for the grief to pass... wait for the IRS to claim whatever they're going to claim out of the remaining inheritance... and then I'll know. Know where I'm going to go... what I'm going to try.... take a chance on that failure. Or should I say success?
Later.
Replies
I am doing a ton of questioning lately too...
At a certain point I need to just get in gear and stop analyzing. But I have not recently lost someone. Go easy on yourself maybe more time treading water is in order. I know you won\'t sit around forever it will hit you as to what to do...
I am doing a ton of questioning lately too...
At a certain point I need to just get in gear and stop analyzing. But I have not recently lost someone. Go easy on yourself maybe more time treading water is in order. I know you won\'t sit around forever it will hit you as to what to do...
I am doing a ton of questioning lately too...
At a certain point I need to just get in gear and stop analyzing. But I have not recently lost someone. Go easy on yourself maybe more time treading water is in order. I know you won\'t sit around forever it will hit you as to what to do...
I am doing a ton of questioning lately too...
At a certain point I need to just get in gear and stop analyzing. But I have not recently lost someone. Go easy on yourself maybe more time treading water is in order. I know you won\'t sit around forever it will hit you as to what to do...
I am doing a ton of questioning lately too...
At a certain point I need to just get in gear and stop analyzing. But I have not recently lost someone. Go easy on yourself maybe more time treading water is in order. I know you won\'t sit around forever it will hit you as to what to do...
I am doing a ton of questioning lately too...
At a certain point I need to just get in gear and stop analyzing. But I have not recently lost someone. Go easy on yourself maybe more time treading water is in order. I know you won\'t sit around forever it will hit you as to what to do...
I am doing a ton of questioning lately too...
At a certain point I need to just get in gear and stop analyzing. But I have not recently lost someone. Go easy on yourself maybe more time treading water is in order. I know you won\'t sit around forever it will hit you as to what to do...
lol, I see DS has the hiccups again. I had to call the in-laws this afternoon regarding the death certificate. No biggie, but my mother-in-law said anytime I want to talk to call her. I know she\'s concerned, but my mind keeps saying HELL NO - maybe out of fear that I\'ll become too emotionally attached to the past? And THEN, the thoughts (maybe because my cold is even worse) about getting healthy flood in. He wanted me to be like him... wanted me to be unhealthy, unattractive, etc. so I would be like him. No wait, that came out wrong... when he took care of himself, even overweight, I found him TOTALLY ATTRACTIVE. He just didn\'t want me to take care of myself so HE wouldn\'t feel unhealthy, inferior, because he always felt that everything was always out of his control. GEES, the stuff an abuser can put in your head. Because obviously I\'ve got an emotional battle with myself brewing... because now I have choices... the choice to just sit back and grieve a little longer and do what he wanted, or to pick myself up, take care of myself, become who I AM meant to be. I\'ve already lost 15 pounds this month with all the stress (and why I\'m still sick)... oh to hell with it... I\'m still alive, I\'m going to LIVE and do it fully. I spent more time with my hair today... digging out my make up tomorrow... gonna go clothes shopping right after Christmas to get the best deals... Bear with me, lol.... I\'m probably going to go back and forth with this until I\'m fully ready to move on....
Gee, I never thought of it that way! That your X wanted you to be as unhealthy and inferior, but that is exactly what my X wanted of me. So keep on making those choices. Become the person you are meant to be! and don\'t worry about the back and forth stuff, its been 4 years and I just now realize what he was doing??? and I am not even to the back and forth stuff. Ha, Ha. So thanks again for helping me find myself and (((HUGS))) to you for doing all that you are doing!