I Must Stay Strong

It is Jan 9, 2016 and this last year was very hard to deal with but this last month or so it  was exceptionally hard and I am typing this through tears so I am not sure if their are typos are not.  My grown daughter made plans to visit me for Thanksgiving which was a total surprise for me because I never see her on holidays and usually make plans with friends other than her or the rest of my family.  My daughter and I are not that close because she blames me for a awful childhood that for most children was pretty normal with some ups and downs like in all families.  My own childhood was way worse and I forgave my parents many years before they passed on.  A few months before Thanksgiving it seemed that her I and my relationship was getting better at least I thought so, so when she asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving I was surprised and thought maybe this time she would follow through with the plans she makes with me.  Two days before Thanksgiving when I was about to leave to pick her up 100 miles away she called and told me that she had changed plans and that if I did not go with her new plans she would not see me for Thanksgiving.  She wanted me to spend time with the people from her support group in her area and that if I would not that she would not see me.  About three years ago she kept asking me to go to her group meetings and I told her that I did not want to and that this type of meeting and the people attending it would most likely be a trigger for me and make me extremely uncomfortable.  Then she would not take no for an answer and kept on insisting if I did not go I was selfish and did not care about her.  Tonight I explained my stance on why I did not want to go to the Thanksgiving party besides I want to have a old fashion Thanksgiving with her at my new home any away.  She told me that I must have not worked my issues concerning her type of group because if I did I would no longer be triggered around these people.  I told her that I have done a lot of work on myself and have made the decision not to be around any types of situations that would possibly be where I made be triggered.  This last year has been extremely hard and I have choose to be around positive and healthy people if possible.  After I got over the decision that my daughter had made and spent Thanksgiving alone because I cancelled my backup plan I thought OK only one more holiday to go and I would start again for a great new year.  On December 4th I had to put my 10 years old companion dog Chloe asleep.  She has sick on and off however she had always recovered from her seizures so I told she would recover this time.  To my surprise the Vet told me that she had suffered brain damage and that she did not have a good or any quality of life.  Because I do not work and home most of the time Chloe spent 24/7 with me and if I was not at home she would go almost everywhere with me for 10 years.  I even took her with me on any vacations I took.  Having to lose Chloe was one of the hardest thing that I had ever been through in my life.  After having a husband or a boyfriend most of my life this was the first time after getting Chloe that I stopped dating to work on myself and the past decisions I had made in my life.  I have not been emotionally able to pick up Chloe's ashes from the vet but I am hoping that I will have the strength to do it later today.  It has been a little over one month since my baby has passed on.  Right before Christmas my daughter contacted me again and told me she would like to come and visited me for Christmas so once again I believe her and then at the very last minute she changed her mind again.  Thankfully I did have a backup plan for Christmas Day.   Today my daughter called me and told me the reason what she did noit show up for either holiday is because she has extreme build up resentments toward me and her father who has been remarried for many years and she said that we do not respect, validate or appreciated her.  I have spoke to many friends, counselors and other support people and they all say the same thing she likes to be the victim and the truth is that she does not respect, appreciated or validate you.  I think I would be OK if my Chloe was still here.  We were so close and I know that we could always comfort each other over the years.  My Chloe would lick my tears off my face when I have cried.  We would play a game were I would kiss her cheek and then she would kiss mine several times in a row.  I use to sing to her and she would just lay completely still or just fall asleep.  She would always make me smile or laugh and I could make her smile.  I know the last few months were very hard on her poor baby and I know she is in a better place but I miss her so much my heart feels like it is going to break.  I just found out that in the area were I live that there is not really any hotlines for animal breavement so maybe when I heal and get my act together I will start one because the ones that are out of my areq have very limited times to talk and I have found that my sorrow just jumps up and bites my butt when I do not expected it!!!