I must keep writing.

I need to keep writing here, I stopped and seem to be slipping backwards. In the time of silence I have found a new emotion in which I can not understand – guilt. I thought I could, but I can’t. I went to three physiologist appoints and was told I was O.K. but I know why I told her nothing, and turned the tables and “worked” her into talking. Maybe it was just an occupational hazard I have as a corrections officer – get every thing from them, and hide everything from them (the inmates.) But I need help. I know everything about myself, yet I hide everything from myself. I keep calling RAINN and keep being told I’m on the list it could be days, weeks, or months whenever the next person stops coming is when there will be an opening. I have been talking to my daughter’s physiologist for two plus years, it helps a little, but it is more like information to help my daughter. The guilt I have is from not fighting him (I froze up and became compliant), not telling on him (how many more did he get?), and worst of all keep such a tight “leash” on my daughter (she is loosing her childhood because of my paranoia.). I do not blame myself for what he did, but for what I did not do, and am still doing.